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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vindikatif
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15 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Wrenja Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Interesting. There are a few syllabic issues throughout the piece. Like spelling every "ev'ry" implies speaking it as one syllable, I'd reccomend spelling it in it's basic for to fit the structure of the haiku. Unforunately I don't have any suggestions for "a wolf's head I now have". Maybe just removing the now would work, but it makes it less poetic. Something you'll have to work on.

Nice job though.
2
2
Review by Wrenja Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a nice continuation, the first few paragraphs are a little shakey but it quickly becomes solid once again. Some of your wordings are awkward, or repetitive, and would benefit from some reworking. Reading the passages out loud will help you figure out where the most work is needed. These are some of the pieces I'd consider reworking:

A pale blue bruise had already begun to swell above her left eye, and an inch long gash already beginning to coagulate was prominent on her soft, pale cheek.

A plan of action took hold in his mind, and he could already see himself performing the steps necessary to bring the plan to fruition

It also feels like you can make this sentence a little more powerful:

It took only seconds for the waves of shock to finish crashing over Séamus

Nice job.
3
3
Review by Wrenja Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice work, the story has a really nice pace and it doesn't really feel forced at all. You did a nice job characterising Séamus and I believed his feelings thoughts and intentions.

There's some questionable comma usage which is really minor and only one real area I'd say you'd want to go over a bit more:

Today was no different, and after a while he began to doze and his thoughts became mingled with dreams as time passed and the morning elapsed, the flock doing their job in the mean time without disruption.

and, and, and, and. Slow down there. I know how when you get writing and you just want to get everything down. It's coming so fast you can hardly keep up, but a little bit of reworking and this will read a lot better and make more sense, it's really rough.

only other thing I noticed was a tiny spelling error:

the adrenalin running threw Séamus’

This is a really nice piece, good job.
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