My impression of this piece is that it is a well written and well thought out poem about where most people spend their time. It accurately portrays frustration and accuracy to how it is in today's society.
My encouragement is: Keep looking up, you will one day have your own fortress of Solitude.
A ruminative review of I'm pensive not depressed written by Bear review by: VelicityX
First impression: A simple poem about life.
Errors (if any): in the sentence So I'm pensive, but dont say depressed. there is a need of an apostrophe in the word dont but I dare say you may know that by now.
Overall impression:
As I am reading this poem, the timing is just so perfect. Life is a world of hard. This poem directly describes how I personally feel and I believe it will reach a multitude of people. Sure, it may be for an older audience but I feel as though we all go through these things. I also was reminded of my father while reading, so I found comfort.
Due to the relatable nature of this poem deserves all 5 stars!
This is an honest review of Boots of Bellfonte written by Bear or S A Gibbins given by: ~VelicityX~
First Impression:
A general children's poem.
Errors (If Any):
I found zero grammatical errors.
Overall Impression:
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. I can certainly see why it has been awarded. I read the poem twice. The second reading, I read it to my baby. I think this easily could be turned into a children's book and would love to see it on shelves.
Criticism and Encouragements:
All my critiques are positive. The poem is well constructed. The flow is well received. The poem tells a story that all audiences can enjoy. A phenomenal job. Keep up the great work. Keep Writing.
~V~
I enjoyed this poem that also brought me a visual of a story of a wolf goddess and her pack. It is beautifully written. The only folly I have with it is even they know... It feels as if it should read only they know but this is just an opinion. Other than that, thank for bringing great work to your audience. I would love to read more.
I am not a fan of this poem, there is not enough depth. A simple expressive poem about men thinking women are crazy. I just think that though poetry repeats words, that the word crazy could be substituted with other words of the same meaning a few times to create the missing depth it needs. It is kind of a funny poem though.
*An Amiable Review of "Toressa" by: Velicity Phoenix*
I read these lyrics and I smile.
The Edit
There is only one part I would "edit" about this, and that is leave out the word "and" before love comes to my mind<this alone is powerful enough without the "and."
my favorite part My favorite part is the second stanza. Such sweet words are written here.
You have been selected as the first recipient of my review after many months of Hiatus. I will be writing your direct quotes in italics I will make my own suggestions and show you what I think may be incorrect, if anything. I hope you find some use out of my review. Enjoy.
First Impression. A magnificently written story, How on earth will I ever review such talent. The title made me want to read it, short sweet enticing. The story content is grand and inspirational. Introduction.
I am personally not a fan of the "main character" First line introductions.
To quote your line " it’s not every day you get to meet the man who will murder you" In my opinion would be a better introductory line. It is there that I got excited.
Body
In about the 15'th paragraph down, where you introduce the "hit man" I quote this part. "I saved him a lot of money" I feel that the words "a lot" do not express quite enough impact on the amount of money saved. Consider word revision here.
First paragraph of the first break
It took a moment for the fogginess of sleep. < appears to be incomplete, 'fogginess of sleep' to what?
Third paragraph from the break
Thinking it was some the stomach flu or an ulcer. This sentence is incorrect and an "add on to the previous sentence. I can see that you began typing your thoughts rather rapidly.
It needs to be re-written. look at the part some the stomach flu
6th paragraph from the break
you are what we call end stage.” the word "in" needs to be in front of "what". This is because a person cannot be cancer, but they can be "in" a stage of cancer.
8h paragraph from the break
When he came back into the bedroom his wife Linda, who looked worried, asked,
try a comma after "wife" and instead of "who looked worried," maybe "looked worried and asked " "
this way it reduces commas but still gets the same message. Just a suggestion.
last paragraph after the first break
He smiled when he thought about Shelby coming in to the world kicking and screaming. Upset from being removed from the warm and safe womb, and mad at the world.
I suggest conjoining the sentences. I do not think it would make them a 'run-on' as a posed to the last portion being an 'incomplete' sentence.
Second Break
Third paragraph from the second break
Torn between his wife’s constant reminders to remember to lock the back door, and the directions he gave the man he met behind the bar. < no subject. Who was torn?
7th paragraph from the second break
A grimace covered Pat Sajak’s face and as he responded, “I’m sorry Fran, there are no T’s.” look at this sentence again. Remove "and" and then read it again.
13 paragraphs past the second pause
when he left his earlier in the day, Duncan went to investigate
maybe "when he left "it"
The last break
The last break was so very thrilling. I really found no errors.
My overall impression.
At first glimpse I thought I would find zero errors, and to my surprise I found quite a few. However, that being said, your story was so interesting that I believe it was that exciting to write as it was to read. You may have been corrected from these before but any story could use a nice "re-read". I love thrillers. It was somewhat predictable with the ending diagnosis. However, I did not predict the man to want to kill both, and I also did not predict Linda having a new boyfriend.
Nice idea written in a well descriptive fashion. I work at an ER so it is nice to read things like this with knowledge of the material. I really enjoyed the story and intend to read more.
An Amiable Review of A Day To Remember by Velicity Phoenix
First Impression: I normally do not review stories written in the teen category; but I saw this one up for grabs during the raid and thought why not? After the first few paragraphs I immediately fell in love with this little story.
Dislikes
The only thing that I do not like about it is the large font. I do not know why, but I am one of those that is deterred from large fonts.
Errors There are a few minor errors, and the story could use a "once over". I will point out the one that jumped out at me the most, but I did not want to overly hound on the rest because I myself, am way less then perfect and the story is way too good to truly notice them unless you are picky.
You organisational skills I believe you meant to write Your and I did not even notice until the Review Tool pointed it out but organisational was misspelled. It is spelled as organizational
Overall Impression Other then the minor issues this was a wonderful piece that made me smile at the end. I loved the way Christine got what was due to her. It was well written. It flowed well. I enjoyed it. A good read.
A note. Consider changing the title to
Fourth of July to rememberThis is just another personal preference. I love stories where the title is worked in the endings. I do not know why but usually gives me chills or an "AH" feeling.
If I had the funds, I would give this piece a merit badge myself. I chose this piece to review out of clear random punching for the raid.
After reading it, I realized, this is the way to tell a true story that literally will make your "skin crawl". I absolutely love the vocabulary choice. The story flows well. The description is phenomenal for a true story. I have several accounts of true stories of my own and I always end up stretching the truth and call my stories fiction because I can never stick to the truth without making it sound boring. This is inspirational.
Thanks for the very impressive read. It has become added to my favorites and I plan to look through other readings of yours.
An Amiable Review of That Nightby Velicity Phoenix
First Impression: A nice story for a flash fiction contest.
Errors: Your errors were minor typos. But I have noticed even I make minor typos and forget to check for them
put one on it word, I think this was meant to read ( put one word on it,)
there would be ho help coming. and I think the "ho" in this part was supposed to be "no"
Overall impression:I really enjoyed reading this little piece. It made me laugh and it gave a bit of chills at the end too. Nice job at creating the sense of irony that had a paranormal twist at the end.
I accidentally clicked the review button in searching for something else to do on the site. That is how powerful your poem drew my attention. I read it out of curiosity from the title; then kept reading it throughout because it was that appealing. I remember a time that I wrote romance poetry, and this brought a nice nostalgic memory of that time. Thanks for the good read. I have already added it to my favorites. Lately I have been writing in the Dark genre. But this inspired me to think about venturing back into the romantic field a bit.
One thing I want to point out. This poem is not just about romance, or love. It is a bit mysterious as to "what kind" of love was lost. And I love that about it as well.
I chose this story because it drew my interest by the title. I see that it was written for a contest, so I will give the best review I can for this piece. It might not help much.
What I find intriguing {/c:bgreen}
I really think there is a strong first line here. It draws me into the story which is what a reader wants. I also like that it kind of turns into poetry in the middle. I find myself writing a short story and also breaking off into stanzas and then back into stories from time to time. This kind of writing is new and fun to me, it makes the reader wonder how your mind thinks. I really like the ending as well. It is pouring emotion and depth and a little spooky which I love.
What I do not like. I do not like that for some reason right before the poetry it loses me. I nearly get bored wit the story. I do like poetry but it was not until "I drowned. I died. I was reborn. I felt pain and they took my blood out of me -"that I found that I began to feel true emotion again. the other stanzas or paragraphs were very monotone and bland.
Errors. I do see a lot of minor errors. Most of which are typos or an "overlook"
Did I meet people, did I fall in love with someone like Medusa who turned me into a stone. < still needs a question mark.
Some turned out to listen to what i said.< "i" needs capitalization.
Some didnt care and wanted to go suck on rainbows. < "didnt" needs an apostrophe
Some left before I even knew who they were to me...and i remember them as lightening in dark summer nights.< second "i" needs capitalization.
But i cannot turn the blue ribbon wound on the dust trail. < "i" needs capitalization.
I think that is all the errors I see. They were simple and not really that bad just a little proof reading could have prevented them.
Overall It was not a bad read at all. I craved more though. Toward the end, I wanted more mysteriousness. But I liked the story. Thanks for the good read.
I am interested to see what you have written that is not for a contest. I bet it is even better.
I am glad that I chose this poem to review. It gave me chills to read. I enjoyed it because, there is so much darkness in the world and It is good to read a little bit of bright beautiful love flame.
Depth:
There was depth to this fie minute write. I felt like the person fell completely in love with a stranger, and yet did not have time to even catch their name. It was happy and sad at the same time. It was written in almost a music video format because that is how I pictured it in my mind.
I feel as though this poem is brutally honest. In this world we have to learn to sell our work sometimes in order to make it. However, at times, it's okay to offer it for free, to get a better audience. Also it's a bit short. Maybe it could have a little more detail of encouragement to actually "follow your dream".
There is depth to this piece. A lot of things are shown in a mere monologue. It really makes the reader interested in knowing about the sister. However, I'm not sure if it intended or not, but the character itself sounds bland. However, at the same time, if ti is just an interview, the character shows depth by discussing the deep facts about their sister openly. Maybe that is the point?
Errors. I really do not know if it is an error or not. the word So in the first line. I feel like it would be better suited with a comma afterwords instead of standing alone with a period.
Maybe I will read more to find out about this character.
First Welcome to WDC. I noticed that you have not been a member long. I hope you find it is very awesome to be here. I've learned a great deal, and I have a lot of fun on this site. I had wanted to return the favor and review one of your writings. I like poetry, but at times, I find it hard to review. I found this one short story.
I find the story well written and easy to read. I am a fan of many genre's and styles of writing. I do love children stories now that I have a child of my own. I believe I would tell this story to my daughter had she been old enough to understand it. I found no errors in the writing. I appreciate the good read. Thank you. Keep on writing
OH goodness. I love this. It has been a very long time since I have seen a singing fish. I love how you put humor in this poem. I found no errors. Just seems like a poem written specifically for fun. Thanks for allowing me to read and review.
Wow. I literally could not stop reading this piece. Every word is enticing until the end. I really enjoy the detail in this piece. I felt like I could have been there. It is graphic, and sad. I was interested in reading due to it's dark nature. I find no errors. Thanks for the great writing.
I see that this is a sort of flash fiction. A story within only a few lines. I like it. I do not think even, I have the potential to write such a story with so few lines. There seems to be no visible grammar errors. There seems to be no visible punctuation errors. One thing I must note, that when read, it appears that the killer actually left 2 red roses. One for the kill, and the second one as he escaped. Unless you mean, that the only rose he left was the one for the kill.
Other then that, there were really no errors at all. :D
Consider a title change. The title does not seem to connect with the poem.
The poem itself is powerful.
So many have told me that they will "cut off all emotions". Emotions never leave. We try and ignore them, but they are always there. No one is emotionless, even the clinically insane.
However, I love the way this is written. Honestly, this particular poem, is filled with emotion. Well written, and flows very well.
I found this a little humorous, so I decided to review.
First Impression. A poem about a "hickey"? I wonder If I spelled that right. If this is about the aforementioned love mark, then quite honestly do not think the title fits the poem. It is written for "teens" or maybe you are young; and it is apparent in the poem vs title. For one to "Hate" red based off of the teasing they received at their job, is definitely juvenile.
Overall impression. It's a good poem. It's well written. I found it humorous, and delightful to read. There are no errors. Consider a different title.
This is merely my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. Happy Writing - V
This is great! I enjoyed this read, and even chuckled at the end. I found that, I figured out the plot, and ending before I read it. Most times,this is not good; however, in this "only dialogue" story, I found this to be perfect. Shows signs of a good writer.
No obvious errors were found. Love it. Hope to read more of your work soon.
I honestly did not read the title of this poem. I love how I did not know it was about a horse until then end.
After a second read, I can feel the love of this horse through the writers eyes, as if it was their own. It feels like the writer or owner of the horse, looks at the horse as their own child. I am picturing the writer/author, in the crowds, smiling down at their horse with pure satisfaction. I am picturing them smiling even more, as they hear "tremendous running machine" from someone else's mouth.
Powerful. I got chills reading this. Perfectly categorized as Dark. If I had been that person of betrayal, and saw this, I would be scared. Well written. I found no errors. I also like how it is written in real time. Most poems are written in metaphors. Great Job. I want to read more. :)
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