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Review of Marie  Open in new Window.
Review by The Pop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Marie!" ugh, the first sound I hear everyday after Spanish is my "best friend" Katie. I spin around, quickly putting on the best fake smile I can manage. "Katie! what's up?" As if I didn't already know. For the past two weeks all our conversations have been based around Daniel, Katie's newest victim, I mean boyfriend. "Marie you'll never guess where Daniel took me to last night". Yep saw that one coming. Katie has always been kind of boy crazy, and that's not really a problem. The problem is she is into much older guys. Katie and I are both 16sixteen, and supposedly best friends,. We're polar opposites. We really don't have that much in common;. Katie is a boy crazy(you already said this once) outgoing and judgmental person, where as I could care less whether the new guy is hot or not. I'm extremely shy, and I tend to keep my opinions to myself.



"Katie! Aren't you listening?" I jump a little having been in my own little world the whole time she was talking. "Sorry, what?" She rolls her eyes at me, making sure to exaggerate her movements. "I said Daniel wanted me to ask if you would come with us when we go to the movies tomorrow". I can see she just mentioned it to be polite in her way. She's hoping I'll say no. "Oh,sorry no, I have to work tomorrow". She smiles one of her special Katie smiles. The one she uses when she just got her way. "Oh,that's too bad". Yeah I bet it is. "Anyway I got to go, talk to you later". I watch her walk down the hallway like it's a runway, because in her mind she's A: gorgeous, B: The best thing on the planet, and C: has all the guys drooling all over her. Of course in actuality none of those things are true. I mean sure, she's better looking than I am and has had more boyfriends than I'll ever have but she is nowhere near as great as she thinks she is.



I feel slightly irritated as i walk to my bus. Katie and I had been kind of like best friends for about three years, and she has always been boy crazy, but lately it seems like she's trying to find even older guys. Katie is that type of girl with the blond hair she dyed even blonder. She has an ok figure that she gives herself too much credit for and dull blue eyes that she never misses an opportunity to brag about. All in all she's very full of herself. Even though shes kind of average looking, she goes out of her way to make me and others give her compliments. Compared to her I'm very dull. I have brown eyes, and glasses. MORE DETAIL ABOUT YOU



I sigh as I push through a crowd of people, who decided they could cut everyone else off in the middle of the hallway. When I finally made it to the door that goes out to the parking lot, I look around for my friends. I see them in a close huddle a little ways away. I start walking toward them, until I see "him". Ethan Smith, the object of my affection for two years now. None of my friends understand what I see in him; to everyone else he's ordinary and boring, but to me he's sweet, funny, and very handsome.



He walks past me without even a glance in my direction. Unfortunately I haven't excatly told him any of the things I think about him. After all I'm just his friend, and not even a close one at that. After he gets a few more feet behind me I start to breathe again, i swear one of these days he's going to stop next to me and I'll suffocate. "Hey, Marie!" hearing my name called snaps me out of the fog me head gets in whenever I see him. I look up to see all my friends looking at me; I quickly jog up to them. "Hey guys, what's up?" Olivia shakes her head at me "you're hopeless, you know that right?" the others snicker; they all probably saw me stop in the middle of the parking lot like an idiot.



I look at her and give her a big sarcastic smile "course I do". Olivia and I have been best friends for the past 7 years. She and Katie really hate each other, but they say they put up with each other for me. "Anyway, we're all going bowling tomorrow, want to come?" Taco asked, already knowing the answer. Taco is Olivia's boyfriend they have been going out for about a year, and in my opinion a perfect match for her. I think about how I told Katie I had to work tomorrow, and think how mad she'll be when she hears I went out with them and not her. "Sounds like fun!" Bowling has been our weekly get together ever sense we learned the bowling alley was the only quiet place on saturday, that you didn't have to see a couple making out every few minutes.



Taco smiled and put his arm around Olivia, I think their great together, being how it was two of my closest friends together. They were both very happy, which made me happy. Taco was my newest friend but quickly became one of my closest. Of course his real name isen't Taco, it's actually Andrew. i call him Taco because he's half Mexican, and is forever making jokes about it. I made the mistake of telling him I'm part Mexican too, now my nickname is Flan. Most people don't really get it; I have to explain that Flan is a Mexican dessert. My friends are all weird in their own way, but that's what makes them special and irreplaceable.



"Flan!" I look up at Taco with a shocked look on my face "isen't that your bus?" he says pointing at a bus that's already halfway down the street. "oops" I start to quiet down after a few more seconds, and soon it's time for my friends to get on their bus. I wave goodbye to them, as I pull out my cell phone to call my dad. It rings about three times before I hear my dad answer, in worn out voice that tells me he's probably been mowing the grass "hey dad, i missed the bus, is it ok if you pick you both up" I thank my dad as i quickly hang up. Emily is my 7 year old little step sister, her elementary school is just down the road from my high school, so I walk there whenever I miss the bus.



Usually the walk to Emily's school wasn't bad if the weather was cool, but today the sun was beating down hard. The walk from my school to Emily's was torture, living in Florida for 8 years hadn't desensitized me to extreme heat. Even when I moved to Kentucky it didn't seem any cooler, until it started snowing, which was a new kind of torture for someone raised in the sunshine state. I finally reached the gym door of Emily's school. Moving to sit on a bench next to the door, i waited for Emily to get out of school and my dad to show up.



I lean back against the bench and close my eyes, the light breeze feels wonderful against my too warm skin. I breathe in the scents of spring, I take a deep breath and sigh. A rain drop falls on my cheek, and I open my eyes. While I had been sitting on my bench, the sky had gotten cloudy and dark. The rain started drizzle, and slowly got harder. The rain was cool and felt strangely relaxing, I tilted my face up toward the sky and felt the droplets run down my cheeks. "Enjoying the rain?" I jump and turn my head so fast my neck hurts, toward the stranger standing just at the other end of the bench.



"w-who are you?" I manage to stutter out,"Direct aren't you?" he smirked. If I was shy before, I wasn't now, I jumped up glaring daggers at the stranger. "honestly princess, there's no reason to look at me like that" I continued to glare. He smirked again. God I want to hit him,"Ok princess, my names Derek, and I need your help" was he crazy. "Ok...." I said, I start to back up trying to remember the most affective places to hit someone. He started to walk toward me, nose, throat, stomach, groin. "look princess, your people need your help" I just stare at him. He walks closer "princess" that does it "Stop calling me that, I don't know you" I wanted to scream at him, but it all just came out in a choked whisper. He was right in front of me now "you do know me princess" he smiled at me, a smile that lit up his face "we were..." I did get to hear what he had to say. At that moment my dads car flew around the corner behind me, when I turned around to look at Derek again, he was gone.



" Marie what are you doing out in the rain?" my dad yells from the open car window. I stared at the space where Derek had been just a second ago. What was it he was about to say? "Nothing dad", as he walked up next to me. "Ok I'll just go get your sister. Go ahead and get in the car" I nodded and walked to the car. I leaned back against the seat and felt how wet my hair and clothes had gotten. I hadn't noticed while I had been talking with Derek.


OK, this story has me going. I'm dying to find out who the hell is Derek and what he has to say. I know it looks like a lot of red but its all just grammatical stuff, not story stuff. The story itself is very good. Keep it coming. I will become a fan so I can follow this if you don't mind

The POP
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Review of Shades of Brown.  Open in new Window.
Review by The Pop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Well done. I can truly feel your hate for Micky D's. And I love the dream of being a journalist. I think we call can feel that same dream. There are some grammatical problems and punctuation problems but the story line is good. Good flow. I know I like it because I even liked the cigarette parts and I hate cigarettes...haha

Well done R.A.
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Review by The Pop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the story line. I think it has real potential. However, there are some sentences that don't flow for me. These are only suggestions.

She would have enjoyed herself at home just as much.
. She’d have just as enjoyable of a time at home; after all, it was the last night she’d get to spend with her family before her brother went away to college.

In a panic, Sean played with the idea to simply drive away. OR to just keep driving.
Panicking, Sean played with the idea of just keeping on driving, and almost managed to trick himself into thinking it was just an animal.
Three
3 hours later, Michelle groggily opened her eyes.

His conscience got the better of him, though, (I would take the first comma out)

Also, any single digit numbers I would spell out rather than using the numeral.

I hope some of these help. Like i said, the story is very good. I like the way it kept going back and forth between characters. That was a nice touch.

Thanks and Write on!!

The POP
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Review by The Pop Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed that. Its funny how we try to figure out how its going to end and yet, most times we are wrong. I like the twist at the end. Well done. Thank you

The POP
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