Overall, this piece is very good. I believe the storyline has GREAT potential, but needs to be elaborated upon. "There was a steaming mist in all the hollows, and it had roamed in its forlornness up the hill, like an evil spirit, seeking rest and finding none. A clammy and intensely cold mist, it made its slow way through the air in ripples that visibly followed and overspread one another, as the waves of an unwholesome sea might do. It was dense enough to shut out everything from the light of the coach-lamps but these its own workings, and a few yards of road; and the reek of the labouring horses steamed into it, as if they had made it all." This is a quotation from chapter one of A Tale of Two Cities. The imagery is SO VIVID. That is what this story lacks. In the story, the plot line is established clearly, but very little description is given. What is Deranacor like? What do Cameron and his sister look like? What are the parents' personalities? Your story has a very interesting storyline and tons of potential, but more elaboration is needed. The first paragraph is like reading a summary of a story, not the story itself. Your story has immense potential, but you need to add more detail. Describe your characters, what does Cameron look like? Is he short, tall, thin, fat, black, white, purple? This story sounds like something I would really love as a book, but in the form you have now it won't go far at all. You wrote two paragraphs, those paragraphs should have been pages and chapters. Add some more duration and this will be AMAZING! Final notes: its spelled Grimm. Punctuation could be improved, possessives need apostrophies. Finally, again, duration. The first paragraph holds enough bare bones information, but add some detail. That paragraph could easily be two or even three chapters long. So great job! The story has wonderful potential and I hope to see it continued in the future with more meat on its bones.
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