Welcome to writing.com!
I found your item on the review requests page so here it goes-
Overall: I got your meaning, but the poem didn't flow as well as it could. I had to reread a few parts. I think changing a few things will help a great deal.
I want to start by saying I write poems also and often have trouble with the flow in my poems as well. A piece of advise that I found extremely helpful is to get some one you know to read the poem aloud. that way you can here how it sounds and hopefully catch any typos. You can read the poem yourself, but when I do that I sometimes read what I think should be there not what actually is.
Things I would look at.
"The fact blurred/ I remained stable" nice contrast between blurred and stable, but I think it would be much better if you said the fact blurred/ but I remained stable or though the fact blurred,/ I remained stable"
In the second stanza you say "goodies." When I think of goodies and I think of children's birthday parties so I think that goods or something similar would go better with the theme of your poem.
You say "Am alive but dead" twice. To me that was confusing because there is no clear subject. How about "I am alive but dead."
In stanza 6 did you mean "hearing goodbye from them all day" not the
And finally something that really messed with my reading was that you switched back and forth between past and present tense. I have done that on several occasion and my writing sounds ten times better when it is all in one tense.
I hope my advise is helpful to you, but In the end this is your poem so do what you want with it. If you change some things I would be happy to look at it again.
I took this poem to be talking about the economy. I like how you highlighted the problems people face and I love the use of the word slave it makes the poem so much stronger to me. I also thought the poem flowed very well, the rhymes didn't feel forced.Overall a great piece.
Write On!
Lovely. I love that you addressed two issues and give simple and understandable answers. The best part of your piece is the examples because examples are easiest way to understand something for me. Glad to say I knew most of the mistakes you mentioned :) Something really helps me when self-editing is reading it aloud, because sometimes the words in my head are not on the page.
Very Helpful
Write On!
Hi! I found your piece on the newbie review page. Your piece was interesting and I enjoyed reading it. It is hard to critique a piece of writing like yours that is more thoughts than actual story or essay. Having said that I have a few suggestions. I think your first sentence "Where I live at is..." could be improve better start the story if you said I live in... so it would be a little more precise. I also noticed that you use quite a few buts at the beginnings of you sentences, maybe reduce those a little. I would recommend reading the piece aloud and seeing you like it the way it is or want to change it.
What I didn't like:
~The ending, it didn't seem to go with the poem. Yes the theme was the same but it seemed a little off topic and didn't have the same flow.
~The lines in all caps distracted me from everyone else and made the piece seem angry and a little childish to me.
~the Or maybe like I said before seems redundant to me. I think it would be better to take out either the maybe or the like I said before
What I did like
~ Up until the last part I really loved your flow
~I think you painted a very good picture
~I liked they way you expressed your opinion without using unneeded insults toward other people
~Overall:
~I absolute loved the everything until the capital letters! You have a gift.
Remember I am not a professional and this is just my opinion.
Keep up the good work and good luck.
Hey! Interesting poll. Anyway I think my answer may have been a little biased conidering many of my poems don't rhyme :) The way I view this question is writing, whether it be poetry, essays, or poems, is about expressing yourself and sharing your thoughts with others. If rhyming hellps you express yourself in poetry form fine, but that is not the only way. Sometimes the idea that all poetry has to rhyme is more hurtful than helpful. when a new writer writes a poem thinking that the only way to write a poem is to rhyme, many times the rhyming and the poem itself sounds forced and losses some of it's meaning as well as flow and their piece would have been much better had they just put down their thoughts. However, that is not to say that rhyming poetry is not good sometimes it is wonderfiul it just depends on how the auhor uses the words and th rhymes.
I think many people share my idea on this subject somewhat based on the fact that only thing in my portfolio with 5 stars is a poem a wrote about a soldier called "Going Home" and it doesn't rhyme. (I am not trying to brag I promise, just making a point)
Good poll. Hope I didn't bore you to much with my rant :)
Keep up the good work!
Critiques and advise first :)
The first few sentences seem rather off topic with the piece to me. I was expecting something entirely different than what I got and in this case I don't think that is nessicarily a good thing.
I would advise you to change your summary... what you have now almost seems to say you are only going to rant about hat is wrong in government and that you don't actually no much. Try something like "my opinion on the politics" or 'what are we really afraid of?"... something that describes your piece.
That being said I think this could be an effective and persuasive article if expanded it a little and added some facts and/or examples. Right now you mostly act questions and don't give a lot of answers.... explain more, express your opinion on the matter.
Overall I think you are doing a good job. Keep in mind that this is only an opinion so don't get dishearted :)
I think your piece could be really good with a little expantion and tweeking.
Keep up the good work
Sincerely,
tomakeyoutink..
I really like it. The only not so good thing I saw was that the beginning is a little cliched with the growing up together secretely liking each other and finally acting on it thing you have going. I also would ave liked to have a little more background like a few more scenes from theie childhood. I like the foreshadowing you put in the begging it encouraged me to read faster so I could figure out why they weren't going to see christmas.
Overall I really liked it. Really good Job!
Keep up the good work!
Interesting perspective and a little gloomy. Feeling trapped is a unversal feeling whether in a small town or a big city and I like how you showed that your character thought that the smallness was the problem. I also like the mentions of TV and internet and reality shows; it shows how much we rely on those things now a days and how they can give us an inaccurate picture of the rest of the world.
I also like how you focused on "What do I want to do?" I think it is true that many people want to do something different, but they don't know what
I really like how you captured human emotion in this piece
Write On!
I found this a hillarious and informative picce. I think you did a great job setting it up without sounding mean and keepin the readers attention. Also a good idea to help those who are unsure how to rate/review items they do not like. The second person view is very involving and there is no complicated language bringing the essay to a level that everyone can understand. Overall a great job!
Keep up the good work!
That is so sweet!! I think your teacher will definately like it! The only suggestion I have is that "My nightmare it was" doesn't floww well with the other lines in that stanza to me because it is so much shorter, but that is only my opinion. The good thing about poetry is there aren't very many rules, but that is a down side too because then how do you decide hoe good or bad a piece is? Anway good job. And Keep wriing!
Kind if drepressing but not bad. I like the overall meaning of taking courage. Though your rhyme scheme is simple it doesn't sound forced. I was impressed by your beat in this poem.
There are two other things that I noticed-
You capitalization isn't consistent -lines 7 and 8 are not capitalizad yet all other lines are-and the third line in the last stanza the second part is not capitilized like the others-If you meant to leave the words uncapitallized that's fine, just be aware that you did.
Also be aware that you say "don't let nobody get under your skin" grammatically that is incorrect it should be anybody; however, I could see it being used if you are refering to the break down of the city. It just interupts the flow a little for me.
Overall-Good Job and welcome to this site I hope you enjoy it here
Keep writing!
I love the last line! Very true! I think you tried a little to hard with the rhymes though because there didn't appear to be a pattern they actually rather interupted the flow. However, you do have wondrful discriptions and you use a varity of words. So keep up the good work, you can go far!
Having suffered from depression myself before it is always intersting for me to read poems about depression. I have to agree with you that the feeling of being alone is a key emotion in depression. I congradulate you on putting a lot of emotion in so few lines, but I felt like you wanted to say more. I think you have an accurate discription and are working hard on conveying emotion.
Keep up the good work!
I have long since come to the conclusion that humans as a species are obsessed with the question why. So I decided to read this poem. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I think it is a good start but I think you can definately add more. More lines and more varity to your rhymes.
Good start. Keep writing!
Good rhyme scheme and interesting use of capitalization. I think you develpe a steady beat in this poem also which makes it flow well. I also love yur discriptions you use strong verbs to discribe things which provoke emotion. I also love the mention of behind the mask because to me that really speaks to human nature. Overall I liked it. Keep writing!
While the poem was never happy the end was rather shocking and the way it didn't flow really added to that. I found that very unique and interesting. The parallelism in the stanzas is very good. I love how the poem gets steadily darker- it really pulls the reader in. Though it is about a terrible thing this piece very well written.
Keep writing!
I think your poem very arcurately describes depression as I once suffered from depression myself. I like your rhym scheme the way you keep the even lines -ying but change the odd lines seemed to add to the flow. I also think the poem really speaks to me personally because I can relate. Especially the first line and lines 5-7. I remember the worse part about depression was that loss of hope and I know the longer it took people to notice the farther down I sank.
So overall this poem really spoke to me and pulled at my emotional strings. I love it. Keep writing.
Very good job! I can feel the emotion in your poem which is always a good thing. Your rhyme sceme was good and overall you had good flow, though the third line is a little odd because it is longer than all the rest which almost throws off the beat. I don't reall know if you could word that differently though and keep your rhyme scheme.
I love what you are trying to get across here because it is true that we offer advise so readily, yet rarely take our own.
Overall it was a very good poem and I enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing!
Rather dark, but good. I like the order you have going here with parallel structure in the stanzas and the rhyme scheme. Although I had to go back and read the fourth stanza again to see the rhyme between pain and again, but that might just be me. The way you phrase this makes it personal which to me adds to the overall effect and makes it more emotional.
I liked it. Keep up the good work!
I don't know what country you are from ( I am thinking the US though). Anyway I am from South Carolina and I can say with certainty that the mahor think wrong with the U.S. is education and until we make education a higher priority, the cheating will continue at the terrible rate it is now. In a lot of school the only thing taught is how to take tests which limits what a student learns regardless of whether or not they cheat. If people were taught to repsect education and it's value I think cheating would decrease and students and people would be better able to see the negative consequinces or their actions. And I totaly agree with the cheating continuing on into life after school.
Keep up the good work!!
You do a good job conveying your emotions, but the flow could use some work in my opinion. Your tone of resenment comes through loud and clear (love the exclamation points). Again with the flow I think it is rather confusing with all the "you"s- I know it goes with the innerargument but sometimes it gets a little distracting, but that just my opinion.
Overall really good job especially with conveying your tone. Keep Writing!!
I like the message and you have a good rhyme scheme going here. It has good rythm even if it's short. My only suggestion is to maybe add commas after breathless and pain since the next line is rather connected and not capitalized.
Overall it was a very good poem. Keep up the good work!!
I love poems about nature and I love how you incorporated the quote into your poem. Again your fbeat and low is impressive. The discription is really good it conveys emotion very well and makes it seem very real. I also love how it is like a cycle.
Overall I really love this poem!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tomakeyouthink
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:03am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
