Very good, a couple of pointers, mainly punctuation after some of the lines. The whole first stanza is just one line, so I might try adding a few commas or caesura for effect, like after "seeing you today". You could also add another line break before each time you mention the phrase "the last time", then you get anaphora, which really emphasizes the effect. End-stops are also really good for emphasis e.g you could change the first stanza to read:
Seeing you today, walking down the hall
I couldn't help but think, about
the last time I held your hand, Or
the last time I felt your lips against mine.
I tried to smile.
But instead felt the heat of tears trying to run down my face.
I think the words there are fine, you just might want to think about how to lay them out for maximum effect.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tizali
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:34am on Nov 28, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
