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1
1
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Ghost. I am currently on leave from WDC and writing fiction in general. There is no point in your reviewing anything in my port, as I am not active at all. But every now and then I drop in and pick a random work to review. You drew the lucky (or unlucky!) straw today.

I assume that your intention is for this short work to be a prologue to a SciFi novel. I am an avid reader and writer of SciFi, so I found this interesting.

I think that this is an excellent premise for a novel. It shows great imagination and creativity. One of the best examples of your creative skill is the way you ended the first paragraph. You listed all sorts of terrible ways for life as we know it to end, then said, "What happened to them was much worse." Clever.

However, you are making the mistake that about 99 percent of all beginning writers make: you deliver a backstory, told from the point of view of an omniscient author, instead of plunging the reader into an exciting story that is taking place AT THE MOMENT. Honestly, despite my love of SciFi, I found myself skimming after the first paragraph. Nothing actually happened. Academically it was interesting. As entertainment it was boring. I was just listening to a narrator recite history to me. Very few readers will be captured by that.

Especially in modern fiction, readers want to be dropped into action. They want to, from Page 1, be immersed in an exciting story that is taking place as he/she reads. They want to see what the main character sees, hear what he/she hears, et cetera. They don't want a history lecture.

A famous contemporary author once gave this advice to new writers: write your novel, and then trash the first 100 pages. Your real novel begins on Page 101. This might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it captures the essence of this nearly universal error.

If you are to appeal to modern audiences, you need to begin with action already happening. Use the work that you posted as an excellent outline and backstory FOR YOUR USE ONLY.

I have no idea how you intend for your novel to begin, so I am going to make something up. It surely has no relevance to the novel that you are constructing, but it illustrates my point. Perhaps you could begin your novel something like this:

I rocked back in my chair and closed my burning eyes. Fourteen straight hours of struggling to get the defensive perimeter program for Sector H working again had left my head spinning, and yet a gap wide enough to drive a tank brigade through was still open. "Amy," I mumbled. "Any luck?"

When she didn't answer, I swiveled around and squinted at her petite form. Her arms were folded across the computer console and her head rested on them. Her back rose and fell in the slow, steady rhythm of exhausted sleep. I sighed and was about to get back to work when I noticed a red light, almost invisible under her left arm, blinking. "Damn," I muttered under my breath as I got up and touched her shoulder. "Blast!" I shouted as I scrambled back to my station and fumbled with the camera controls.

"What?" Amy said, and then drew in her breath. "Breach in K!"

"I'm on it. You warn the encampment. Tell them they have two minutes to get into the tunnels."


See what I mean? Jump right into the action. Let the reader learn your excellent backstory as the novel progresses, rather than TELLING it to them in lecture format.

I hope this helps. It looks like a wonderful idea that you have. Now just make it into a novel, not a history lecture.

TimM
2
2
Review of Ruby's Interview  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Soloscript. I am an outside judge for the Show/Tell contest, and I just read your story. It was very clever and enjoyable.

Your opening line set the scene well:

Perching on the edge of the platform, Ruby craned her neck. Nothing but darkness. The crowd was gathering like an angry cloud.

It names the POV character, places her in the scene, and shows us what she sees. Excellent start!

I also loved your ending. It was a great twist which actually gave me a little shiver of satisfaction. Well done!


I will make one critical comment on your writing. You repeated her name so ofter that it almost began to glow in neon DayGlo. For example, here are a few paragraphs:

Ruby groaned at the swarm of visitors and the ancient gatekeeper manning the security checkpoint. Now she would be late. Ruby was tempted to give up and go home, but her rent was due in a few days and she couldn't stand the thought of a bail out from her parents, who would insist she move back to Iowa. Fresh out of chocolate almond Kisses, Ruby sought strength from sugar-free Altoids.

Ruby polished off five mints while eleven visitors removed shoes, jackets, belts, emptied pockets, and surrendered bags. Ruby rolled her eyes as the hunched guard lazily examined the x-rayed contents of each bin. When Ruby finally flung her purse and briefcase on the conveyor, a man in a black suit elbowed her and barged in front.

“Hey! Excuse me, I was next!” Ruby protested. She wanted to shove the brute back, but the guard waved him through. Ruby stared open-mouthed as four more men in black suits cut in. The last of the men looked sick—his complexion was pallid and his eyes sunken.

As Ruby reached for her bags, the pale man was bending to tie a shoe. Ruby's eyes widened as she watched him smooth out his hair line and tug on his neck as if pulling down a scarf. Could that man be wearing a mask? God, I hope he’s not a terrorist.

You need to work on varying the structure of your sentences. Use a greater variety of subjects. This repetition calls attention to itself, and you never want to do that in writing.


Great work!

Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

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3
3
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi BScholl. I am an outside judge for the Show/Tell contest. I just enjoyed your story. It was cute, and you showed a lot of imagination. You had several nice twists. I especially liked this one:

She caught a whiff of Tommy Finigan’s marijuana habit as she dashed by. I hope that doesn’t stick to my clothes. God, that’s the last thing I need going to Homeland Security.

Mentioning marijuana and relating it to Homeland Security was a wonderful touch!

I will make one comment on your writing style. You had numerous short sentences, often clumped together. Many of them were a simple declarative form: RUBY did this. SHE did that. SHE did something else. For example, look at your second, third, and fourth paragraphs. Note the repeated structure. This combination of short sentences and similar structure gives the writing a choppy feel.

Nice contribution to the contest!


Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

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4
4
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Item reviewed: Bride to Be, Chapter 6 by Purple


Line by line

>> then called the PI who seemed to be evading him <<

Maybe it's just chapter lag or careless reading, but I don't recall that the PI was evading him.


>> All of the sexual encounters not even worth a second thought. <<

Not a sentence


>> Things changed for him in the back of that limo. He never expected it to, and the more he reflected on it <<

THINGS is plural and IT is singular.


>> First and foremost, a woman that saw him, not the name, power of money, but him as a man. <<

Not a sentence


>> He found himself wondering if she felt anything for him at all, or if she kissed him as a form of gratitude for trying to save her sister. <<

That wasn't a gratitude kiss she gave him! I'm surprised that he would entertain the possibility.


>> without his families backing <<

family's


>> easy on the eyes, hot passion in his arms, had an intoxicating smile, and when she looked into his eyes <<

EYES repeats


>> He hated that she could not look at him, when she stared into his earlier, almost lost there as he gazed back. <<

Awkward


>> The bellhop wheeled in the cart, but all he could do was watch Lisa <<

Because of the wording, I assumed that HE was the bellhop, which struck me as odd. I saw later that I was wrong, but too late.


>> He wondered if chest became red as well <<

Typo


>> Have you ever read the statistics for Las Vegas,” he shook his head <<

Bad punctuation


>> He looked at her plate, most of the food remained. <<

Comma splice


>> He wanted to do let her know how he saw her. <<

Typo


>> The PI gave him two possible wedding chapels to check out. <<

Maybe I'm being overly picky, but I can't help wondering how this PI could have come up with two chapels. It seems unlikely, or even impossible. He's far away, right?


>> Looks like Edward gave his name at both. <<

Oh... Here's my answer. Too late. I wish you had inserted this explanation in the conversation that I flagged in my prior comment.



Setting

There was almost no setting, but that's okay. We were not in an interesting place. This chapter was all conversation.



Characters and POV

They are true to form.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

Nothing really advanced in this chapter. It was 90 percent just more of the same, "I love her. I want her. I'd better not."
Maybe it's just a guy thing, but I think this attitude of wanting love and sex but holding back is becoming overdone. A little was fine, but it goes on and on in every chapter.
Maybe female romance readers don't share my view, and love it. So don't take my comment too seriously. See if any women say the same thing.


Style/Voice

Very nice. You do a great job of staying inside his head and making me feel at home.


Grammar

Several comma splices
Quite a few simple past tenses when past perfect is required
At least two simple past tenses when continuous past was required
I didn't flag any of them because I know you are working on grammar.



My Favorite Part

I loved him stuffing the strawberry jam in his mouth and having her notice. Cute.



SUMMARY:

The stifled romance continues. For my own reading preference, I would rather see them get into it and then maybe have some conflict.
This novel so far is nothing but repressed desired. They long for each other but never act on it. This is good for a few chapters, but to me it seems to have gone on for too long.
I would rather see them confess their love, tear off their clothes, and let go. Then later maybe feel some guilt or shame. Or maybe get into a fight.
In other words, I am ready to see some strong emotions come into play. Love. Lust. Guilt. Anger. Their constant repression of their feelings is wearing on me. Just my own gut reaction. Others may differ.
Otherwise it's a wonderful romance, formula but solid.

Tim
5
5
Review of A Final Communion  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Ben. I glanced at the first few sentences of your Farspace submission. I have a couple of quick comments and an invitation.

I am a member of a large and active WDC writing group that specializes in SciFi, fantasy, and horror. We are all serious writers with a strong drive to publish. Detailed, in-depth reviews are required. If you are interested in joining us, let me know and I'll smooth your entry. I guarantee that your participation in this group will help your writing immensely.

I read only the first couple of paragraphs of your submission. I have a few small comments:

>> David Friend awoke in the mouth of a filthy, damp, rust-filled cistern that smelled of iron and mold with no recollection of how he had gotten himself there. <<

This is written in third-person-omniscient mode. Do you know what this term means? TPO was popular some decades ago, but modern editors and agents shy away from it. Works written in this mode are much less likely to be published than works in third-person-limited.

Also, this sentence has a subtle but serious grammar problem. CISTERN links with 'with no recollection' because it is closer in the sentence. Of course, the reader quickly understands that you intend to link the latter with David. But until that mental process happens, the reader is misled. This results in a small lurch in the reading process, and a rolling-of-eyes by an agent or editor.


>> David raised himself weakly from the hard floor of the cistern... <<

Using a weak adverb like WEAKLY is weak writing. *Smile* Always find a more specific and stronger verb. Perhaps he struggled or labored or strained.


>> He felt pains both dull and sharp in his stomach and, without thinking, he pushed his finger against his bare abdomen and felt his spinal cord, a habit he had picked up over the past several months which served to remind him how emaciated he had become. <<

This sentence is so long and filled with diverse things that the reader is breathless by the end. Also, WITHOUT THINKING is almost always bad form because it slows and weakens the act. Also, if you are writing in strictly limited POV, which is the modern norm, it is illegal because if he doesn't think about it, the reader cannot know about it.


I suspect that you have a wonderful story here. I didn't read further because I'm in a hurry this morning, but the content looks perfect. We have a reasonably sympathetic character involved in a scary and mysterious situation. I hope you don't mind that I tore apart your beginning. *Smile* I did this only because I see a LOT of potential in this story and your writing ability, and I want to encourage you to seek out an active writing group where you can polish your technique.


Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

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6
6
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Item reviewed: Bride To Be, Chapter 5 by Purple


Line by line

>> Lisa found it odd that Calvin sat so close to her on the ride to the hotel. <<

Minor comment: I love the fact that you begin with the name of the POV character and her thought. That's always great.
I would love it even more if you began in her senses. Does she feel his warm body at her side?


>> She woke up on the plane, after having an intense dream about him, to find him standing over her. <<

This was jarring. It's a serious problem for me. Sorry.
When I read this sentence, I realized that I have no idea when or where we are. From your opening sentence, I thought they were in the car, riding to the hotel.
Now you say that she woke up on the plane. Of course, I quickly realized that if she is thinking about the ride to the hotel, this must be a historical reference. But it was a jolt when I read it.
If you had used past perfect tense (HAD AWAKENED), and if you had more solidly situated me in the first sentence, this would have been fine.
When you opened with LISA FOUND IT ODD..." you implied that they were riding in the car, but not clearly. For all this reader knows, she might at this moment be in the hotel thinking about the car ride.
Then you jumped backwards in time. The bottom line is that I am lost in time and space, especially space.
Even a couple of paragraphs from now, when the conversation starts, I don't know where I am. I need to be situated in the scene sooner and more solidly.


>> Penny giggled, the sound something Lisa tried hard to forget. <<

Awkward wording or typo


>> She looked at Calvin, catching enough of the conversation <<

Grammatically, CATCHING does not clearly link to either SHE or CALVIN, so this is awkward wording.
It's never good when the reader has to stop and figure something out.


>> Anger began to swell <<

Anger did not BEGIN to swell. It swelled. BEGIN weakens the emotion.


>> She knew what would come next. A rant. “I am thinking <<

Because the speaker is not SHE, you need to start a new paragraph.


>> It will be all right,” he whispered, his warm breath washing over her face. <<

Calvin's phone rang a few paragraphs ago, but he never answered it.


>> Lisa froze, had not realized they never left the airport. <<

This didn't work for me. How can she not realize such a basic, obvious thing? Besides, the chapter began with: Lisa found it odd that Calvin sat so close to her on the ride to the hotel.
So they are either riding or they rode by the time we get here.


>> She focused on slowing her rapid breathing, wishing <<

I don't recall you having a problem with numerous ING words in prior work, but they are obvious in this chapter.


>> This situation would turn out bad for all parties involved, she could see it coming a mile away <<

Comma splice




Setting

I saw nothing of the surroundings in this chapter, and that was a serious problem for me.
For much of the beginning I was not sure where I was, and then when she realized that they were still at the airport, I was jolted.
I suggest that you situate the reader in the scene immediately by showing us some of her surroundings. Are the seats soft? Are the car windows fogging? What does she see outside the windows?


Characters and POV

Characterization was solid in this chapter. They behaved in interesting and rational, believable ways.
I saw none of the We mustn't do it... oops...we did it that I disliked in some of your prior chapters. Great!


Referencing

No problems


Plot

I loved the turnabout twist. Penny accused Lisa of being a witch, and the accusation hit home.
Also, they are onto the PI and announced that. Wonderful!


Style/Voice

Mostly very good. As always, your writing is easy to read, and you do a wonderful job of placing the reader in the head of the POV character to reveal thoughts.



Grammar

I found quite a few instances of simple past when past perfect should be used. But you've heard that before!
This problem happens when you insert backstory into the narrative. Because backstory is, by definition, prior to the current time, you need past perfect throughout.



My Favorite Part

As you can guess from my earlier comment, I loved the fact that Penny turned around the situation. She told off Lisa nicely. It rang true, and it added a real punch to the story.



SUMMARY:

This is one of my favorite chapters so far, perhaps my favorite.
The fact the Penny and Eddie called simultaneously, ordered them to call off the PI, and turned the tables on them was wonderful.

Tim
7
7
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Item reviewed: Bride to Be, Chapter 4 by Purple


Line by line

>> They landed in Vegas at dusk. <<

As you probably know by now, one of the things I'm fanatic about is opening a chapter inside the head of the POV character.
This lets the reader know who is POV and draws the reader into POV's head right away so that the story can begin playing out.
You have a habit of opening chapters with statements of fact from the omniscient author. Consider:
The lights of Vegas spread out in a breathtaking panorama a thousand feet below their plane. The soft hum of the landing gear locking into place drifted through the cabin, and he shifted his gaze away from the window. In the seat beside him, Lisa... (whatever she looks like)
Here, I showed the reader what he sees as they approach, let the reader know they were landing in Vegas with TELLING the reader this fact, gave the reader a sound, and showed Lisa to the reader as Calvin sees her.
This smoothly deposits the reader inside Calvin's head as the scene begins in this chapter.


>> Calvin never liked to be mistaken. <<

This is a violent intrusion of the omniscient author TELLING the reader a fact.


>> After two glasses of wine, she became talkative, asking him personal and professional questions. <<

Personal opinion and suggestion: You may have a good reason for delivering this to the reader as a summary memory. If so, fine.
But I myself would have liked to see at least the beginning of this. I would like to see her becoming drunk and talkative.
Naturally, this semi-drunken business conversation would become tiresome for me quickly. So you can't show me the whole boring thing.
Here's how I handle this situation in my own writing: I show the beginning of the conversation, enough to let the reader know what's going on, and then have a scene break and jump ahead in time. This avoids summaries, which I usually hate.


>> Needing some distance, he moved about the cabin, and then headed to the cockpit to spend some time with Max. <<

You have a habit of using the omniscient author to explain motivations to the reader.
Here, the author TELLS the reader that he needs distance, and then TELLS the reader that he goes the to spend time with Max.
If you just SHOW him doing these things, we'll know without being told all that we need to know.
When you do this so often, the reader is regularly reminded that this is just a story being told by an author, not a living experience that the reader can live vicariously through the POV character.


>> “No way, who's the unlucky lady?” <<

Cute twist on an old line


>> give him a board seat because he ran off an got married <<

Typo (AND)


>> How many times to I have to tell you? <<

Typo (DO)


>> He acted like an awkward fifteen-year-old <<

HAD acted (it's a prior event)


>> They had a great friendship, established at the age of ten, so being without his confidant hurt. <<

Violent intrusion of the author to TELL us a fact that we don't even need.


>> Calvin winched, as if he were punched in the gut knocking the wind right out of him. That statement hit home, and he could not deny it, knowing that Max knew him so well, and their friendship the one positive thing he could always count on. <<

Long, complex sentence


>> watching as her eyes began to flutter open <<

Omit began: ...watching her eyes flutter open.


>> the pink of her toenails so pale he almost it. <<

Typo


>> He expected their jobs to be priority number one, which meant the client they chauffeured from one destination to the next should matter. He hated when it did not work out that way, and became vocal about it to the companies owners. <<

Violent intrusion of the author again, TELLING us some facts that we don't need.


>> he did not even realize how fast he rushed towards the car. <<

WAS RUSHING because the action is ongoing


>> His cell phone began to ring <<

Omit BEGAN. His cell phone rang.


>> Finding their siblings did not have to be an ordeal, they could afford some leeway in the process. <<

Comma splice




Setting

Fine for me, although it might have been nice to see Vegas as they descended. Also, a look at Lisa as she sleeps would have been sweet.
Remember, the more that you show the reader images through the POV character's eyes, the more the reader will be involved in the story.



Characters and POV

I've mentioned this to you before, and I'll probably say it again. This is just my own personal opinion, and maybe it's out of line because what you are doing is standard in the genre.
But this reader feels regular annoyance at your habit of repeating over and over the conflicting drives of characters. You did this often in Distracting Duncan, and I'm seeing it often here.
Calvin thinks that he can't become involved with Lisa. Then he stares at her bra and enjoys a fantasy. He again 'knows' that a relationship is out of the question. Too damaging to their business. Then he stares at her butt and thinks that he'll sleep with her before the day is over.
Normal people have conflicting emotions. Such conflicts round out characters well, so what you are doing is great... except that your characters go back and forth so many times that it becomes obtrusive to me. I eventually become overwhelmed with it. I feel hit in the head with the conflict.
I think the conflicting emotions are wonderful, but I wish I didn't get hit with it so often. Once a chapter is plenty! I'll get it.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

As I think about it, not much advanced here. They arrived in Vegas. On the other hand, I suspect that this pace is common in the romance genre, so I'll trust you.



Style/Voice

When you are inside heads and revealing thoughts and emotions, your voice is excellent. I get to know characters well through your smooth, intimate technique.
However, you often use the author to tell facts to the reader. I flagged the most serious cases, but there were many less serious cases.
I suggest that you concentrate more on presenting everything through the POV character instead of switching to the omniscient author every now and then. This author intrusion lifts the reader up and out of the story.



Grammar

Quite good, and improving. I think I found only a couple of incorrect verb tenses.



My Favorite Part

>> She is going to end up in my bed before this night is out. <<

I always like foreshadowing of sex. *Bigsmile*



SUMMARY:

The romance continues. It is flowing smoothly and you are keeping everything believable and consistent. I think this is a wonderful work in this genre.

Tim
8
8
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Three ~ Panic" Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Item reviewed: Bride To Be, Chapter 3 by Purple


Line by line

>> Lisa wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, releasing all the frustration at once. Calvin Grayburg had a way of getting underneath her skin and making her crazy. She could not let that rich snob place the blame on Penny for this fiasco. <<

Mostly personal opinion: As I've mentioned before, you have a tendency to make characters over-react. This felt forced to me, too strong a reaction. Just my opinion.


>> Edward had to have been the one to initiate this farce of a marriage. He probably dangled his wealth in front of her <<

This is an excellent candidate for dialog. She could spit this back at him, thereby showing the reader her anger in a natural and believable way.
I recently read an excellent article in Writer's Journal in which a prominent agent said that when she receives a submission, she loves it when it has lots of dialog.
She hates seeing big blocks of narrative and introspection. She wants characters to interact with each other, not sit around and privately think about things.


>> Lisa felt butterflies begin to dance in her stomach. <<

Okay, I promise that this will be the LAST time I mention it. Maybe you love the word.
But believe me, BEGIN and START(ED) are ugly, cluttery words. They suck the punch out of writing by slowing it and weakening it.
Also, words like FELT (and SAW/HEARD/SMELLED et cetera) slow the reading experience. Butterflies danced in her stomach.


>> Calvin’s eyebrow rose watching them. <<

Grammatically, this means that his eyebrows did the watching, which surely is not true. *Smile*


>> flying so far away in such a little aircraft. Is it even safe? <<

Surely she is intelligent and educated enough that she knows it's safe.
I see later that you need this reaction. That's fine, but it would work better for me if it were a long-standing fear of flying, which many people have.
Doing it by having her think the little plane might be unsafe is much less rational than just letting it be a common phobia.


>> She crossed her arms over her chest <<

He CROSSED his legs a moment ago.


>> I’m sure that’s hard for someone like you to believe.” <<

This nasty comment took me by surprise. She's been really hot for him, and he's done nothing wrong. Where did this outburst come from?


>> His piercing blue eyes made her winch in her seat <<

wince


>> “Oh, come on, Cal, you don’t really need me to spell it out for you, do you?” <<

I grumbled about this in Distracting Duncan, and I'll grumble here.
For my taste at least, you very much overplay inner conflicts, to the point of making them beyond stereotypes.

In Distracting Duncan, the two main characters were constantly thinking to themselves, "I can't do this. I must not do this. I won't do this. He/She is a jerk and this would be wildly wrong." Then they do it.
Or they were thinking about how hot the other was while saying a nasty, demeaning, insulting thing.

Now you are doing it here. In her thoughts, she's ready to tear off his clothes and hop into bed with him.
But her words are biting, downright unkind, not to mention unreasonable and unjustified by his behavior.

I know that conflicted characters are good. You are on the right track. But in my opinion, you are carrying it so far that I find it to be unbelievable behavior. Characters have reactions and say things that are much too extreme.


>> The jet engines began to scream, the speed picking up as they raced down the runway. Alarm began to return <<

I know I promised, but BEGAN appears twice here. A moment ago you had this:
the plane began to move. She could not watch. The thought of the tiny jet coming into turbulence, or crashing began to enter her mind
BEGAN twice again.
This is a habit that I claim you should work hard to break. It's such an ugly word. I suggest that you use your word processor to search for it and eliminate them all. Or at least most of them.



Setting

Plenty for me



Characters and POV

I already said my piece about behavior. It is perfectly normal for people to think one thing and say something else. Conflicted emotions are common and normal.
But I claim that you use too much conflict, pushing thoughts to one extreme while behavior and words go to the other extreme.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

Very good. They are on the way, both in terms of relationship and mileage in the jet.



Style/Voice

Very good, except that BEGAN appears over and over and over. It's a nasty, ugly word that I think you should banish.
In rare cases it is necessary for correct logic. But the vast majority of the time it just inserts itself and slows things down. It's a habit.



Grammar

Very good, nearly flawless.



My Favorite Part

>> She hungered for him like a wilting tulip thirsty for a drop of spring rain. <<

Lovely line



SUMMARY:

This is a wonderful story and it is progressing well. You have a lot of talent for writing romance.

Tim
9
9
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Item reviewed: Bride to Be, Chapter 2 by Purple


Line by line

>> Calvin stood under the hot water until his skin began to prune. <<

I won't flag this again, because you are used to hearing it from me.
I wish that you would use your word processor to search your work for BEGAN and STARTED and remove all of them except for those rare examples in which the word is needed for logical meaning. (Very rare!)
These two words are clutter that slow and weaken writing. They suck the punch and power out of sentences.


>> Liz Beth called him, begging him to come out for a night on the town. <<

Ditto. I've hammered you on this, so I won't mention it again in this review.
Liz Beth's calling happened PRIOR to the current time, so it must be past perfect tense: HAD CALLED.


>> Liz Beth got the notion that Calvin would be proposing soon, and in honor of her theory, she decided she would do something she never did before during sexual intercourse. <<

I'm wondering why this paragraph is here. It is backstory that has no direct relationship to the current situation.
Instead of the plot continuing to move forward, time suddenly moves backwards, something that bothers most readers, either consciously or unconsciously.
Most readers want the novel to advance in a relentless march, and they don't like it when the advance stops for a jump backwards.
If the scene related in this paragraph is crucial to the plot, I suggest that you present it in realtime, chronological order.

If this novel is erotica, the sex scene could be wonderful and revealing of their personalities.
The reader could see her change position and be privy to his reaction as she does it. The scene could be a nice mix of eroticism and pathos because of their opposite attitudes.


>> Cal noticed the strange behavior from Edward over the last month. <<

You've got a LOT of exposition here, using the author to tell backstory instead of showing us events in realtime.
I think it would be much more effective to reveal this information through a conversation between Calvin and Lisa.


>> With any luck, they would be sitting on the plane waiting, as Edward and Penny arrived. <<

Their plan is not clear to me. Penny and Edward will be getting on this plane and see Calvin and Lisa already seated? That's what it sounds like, but that can't be right. I need more clarity.


>> His mother, Carol, wanted him to return home, but he decided against it for now. <<

I hate to say it, but I truly am drowning in backstory. This historical fact has nothing that I can see that is related to pushing the plot forward. I feel as if the interesting story has essentially stopped moving forward.
I don't care about all this history. I just want to move forward.


>> Snapping her jaw shut with a loud click, she turned and headed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut. <<

I don't know why she did this. It seems like an emotional over-reaction, and I don't even know what it was a reaction to.


>> rush off to the airport in time to stop the plane from taxiing the runway. <<

Um, by jumping in front of it and waving their arms? *Smile*
I need a little more detail of their plan so I can form a better image.


>> Closing the door, he took a deep breath <<

Glance back through this chapter and note how many sentences have this structure: Doing something, the subject did something else.


>> All he wanted to do at the moment was toss his head back and roar. <<

Why? I don't see why he would have this reaction. To what?


>> His brother expected everyone to wait for him, as if time meant nothing. That always bugged Calvin, and John as well. Their father believed time was money, and wasted time was wasted dollars. <<

This is more TELLING backstory instead of SHOWING things in realtime.


>> the light makeup she chose for her oval face complimented her <<

complemented


>> We have no idea where they are headed, if your people on the ground will find them, or if we can stop them in time. Do you have any idea what this will do to both our companies?” <<

Do to their companies? What will chasing Edward and Penny to Vegas this way do? How? Not clear at all. If you stick with this, I'll need enhanced dialog to understand what she is saying.


>> “I see, only the mighty Grayburg’s could be hurt by this marriage.” <<

Oh, so she was talking about the marriage, not the chase? Not clear.


>> And I’m sorry if this hurts you, but yes, a marriage to your sister would complicate things in a tremendous way.” <<

As worded, this sounds like a sudden revelation. But I thought this was the premise all along.




Setting

Setting is not crucial here, so I was satisfied.
Oops, when the phone call came, saying that the plane had already left, I was not clear where they were. That might have been just my own careless reading. Maybe a few more words there would be good.


Characters and POV

POV was perfect. The characters are consistent and sympathetic.
I did have the same problem I had in the prior chapter: I was often confused by motivation of actions and words.
I flagged several places where a character said or did something that surprised me. I had no idea why it happened. In those places, you need to make the reason clear.

I've seen a common thread in your writing, going all the way back to my earliest reading of your work from many months ago: You have a tendency to have characters over-react. They laugh, become furious, become passionate, and so forth, with what feels like insufficient cause.
I suggest that you either tone down these emotions, or make sure the reader understands why the emotions burst forth so strongly.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

This chapter was mostly dialog, bonding, and backstory. The only forward motion of the plot beyond some emotional bonding was learning that the plane has already left.
I would love it if you pulled EVERY bit of backstory that I flagged. The beginning of the chapter is especially problematic for me.
You had tons of exposition there, in which the voice of the author recited historical events related to Calvin's earlier days.
I claim that these bits of history contribute nothing to the ongoing plot. They just distract the reader from the interesting story in progress.



Style/Voice

You have a wonderful way of putting us inside the heads of the main characters and letting us get to know them. This is your big strength, and you do it very well.



Grammar

Your big grammar downfall is using simple past where past perfect is required. But you already know this.

I also wish that you would break two habits that annoy me (and most other readers, I suspect):

1) You regularly use BEGAN and STARTED when they are not needed for correct logic. These words just add clutter to your work and suck out its power.

2) You structure MANY sentences the same way: Doing something, he did something else. This repetition stands out. It's fine for variety, but you use it so often that it becomes obtrusive.
I suggest that you search for ING and see how many you can eliminate.



My Favorite Part

>> Different for Liz Beth consisted of changing position, from missionary to riding the pony, which did nothing to arouse him. <<

I loved this and hated it.
I loved it because it holds the potential for both eroticism and personality revelation. It could be a wonderful scene.
I hated it because it was a quick summary presented as backstory. Maybe I'm excessively fanatic, but I hate backstory. I groan any time I run into it in a work.

Could you work this scene into the story earlier? Once Calvin and Lisa meet up, it's too late. The plot is already in progress and they must remain together for a while.
But here's a radical thought: Open the first chapter with this scene, either just before or just after Calvin gets the phone call from Lisa.
Maybe he's in the middle of the sex when the phone rings, and then he's got to get rid of Liz Beth so he can meet Lisa. Just a thought.



SUMMARY:

You have a wonderful pair of main characters here, and they are involved in an excellent plot.
For the romance genre, this is ideal. They are on a mission to stop a marriage, and at the same time they appear to be headed toward a relationship of their own. Perfect!

Tim
10
10
Review of Bride 2 Be  Open in new Window.
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Mainstream Novel Workshop Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Item reviewed: Bride To Be, Chapter 1 by Purple


Line by line

>> Lisa Green felt the fury racing through her veins like molten lava. She continued to stare at the note in disgust <<

Nice opening. It names the POV character, shows us what she's doing, what she's looking at, and how she feels. Excellent!
I'll raise one tiny quibble: CONTINUED feels like clutter to me. It slows and weakens. She stared at the note. Isn't that stronger?


>> What the hell is Penny thinking? My sister has no morals whatsoever! <<

Because these are present-tense thoughts, they should be in italics.


>> made actual steam begin to blow from her ears. <<

Um, no. Not actually. If you don't mean ACTUAL, don't say it.


>> one Lisa worked at to the point of exhaustion. Only one thing left to do <<

ONE repeats
Okay, you said that this is a rough draft, written for NaNo. This means that it will probably have tons of typos and little errors. I think I'll avoid nitting all of them until you get it more cleaned up yourself. I'll focus on the bigger issues now.


>> Picking up the phone, she punched in Calvin Grayburg’s number. <<

I'll stop and comment on this because it is a subtle but vital issue in writing. It's grammar lesson time. *Smile*
When you begin a sentence with a participial phrase, this construction implies that the two actions are SIMULTANEOUS. If you want squeaky-clean grammar, and all serious writers should strive for that, you must make sure to follow this rule.
In real life, one would not simultaneously pick up the phone and punch in the number. One would first pick up the phone, and then punch in the number.
Thus, the construction you used here is illegal.
I know I'm being picky, but you are a serious writer. You might as well develop good habits.


>> Lisa could not be thrilled with her sister’s actions, but she would be damned if Penny became the scapegoat. <<

This was a jarring intrusion of the author, telling us an explanation.


>> On the drive over she called Anna, Jill, Debbie and Megan <<

I'm already dealing with the names of four main characters in just the first few paragraphs. I'd rather not have more names thrown at me now. Can you just call them 'her four clerks/employees/whatever' to avoid names?


>> Once the plane touched down, Lisa’s heart began to race. At this point, she had no idea where her sister could be. For all she knew, Penny hopped <<

Two comments:
1) You begin all three of these consecutive sentences with clauses. That's too much repetition for me.
2) The last sentence should be HAD HOPPED because it is a prior action. I've criticized this often in your earlier writing. You definitely need to know when to use simple past and when to use past perfect. Now that you are writing a new work, I suggest that you get this rule down solid. Would you like for me to give you a good grammar link?


>> his clothes seemed to mirror that tale. <<

SEEMED is clutter that weakens writing. His clothes mirrored...


>> She glared at him. “Drop the bag.” When anger made her voice drop an octave <<

I don't get why she is this angry. He's being a gentleman, carrying her bag. Where did the anger come from?


>> Just take me to the nearest hotel. I can take it from there.”

“Already taken care of. <<

TAKE(N) three times


>> Lisa turned in his direction mortified, her mouth dropped at the thought. <<

Comma splice.
But more importantly, why is she mortified that he has an adjacent room? It's not like he got one room for both of them.
Friends and business partners often have adjacent rooms. It's polite and convenient.
Like the anger a moment ago, I think she is over-reacting.


>> She crossed her arms as a smug smile lifted the corners of her mouth, her satisfaction in bothering him evident. <<

She is POV, so this feels like a violation.


>> Reaching out for the note, his long fingers brushing against her head sent a tiny jolt of electricity up her arm. Closing her eyes <<

I'm seeing tons of ING words in this chapter, so many that they are now obtrusive.


>> The lighthearted one that met her at the airport seemed like trouble, and she would steer clear of that at all costs. Penny created enough with her latest escapade. <<

I'm going to stop commenting on verb tense now, but I just had to mention that you did it twice here.
The one who HAD met her (a prior action)
Penny HAD created (a prior action)
When the action named happened PRIOR to the current action, you need past perfect tense.
This is not a style issue. It's a basic grammar rule.


>> Impulsive Penny often did things that sent Lisa off to rescue the younger woman. With their parents deceased, Lisa took it upon herself five years ago to make sure that Penny was well cared for, and had everything she needed within reason. She paid for college and set her up at the boutique. <<

This is the author telling us some backstory that is not needed here.




Setting

Perfect for me. You had some lovely images, especially in the hotel room when she looked out the window.



Characters and POV

POV was almost perfect, although I did flag one slip.

You let the author intrude a couple of times. They were both small, and never pervasive.
Still, the intrusions were historical items that had no direct bearing on the advance of the plot, so if I were writing this I would pull them. No big deal.

Your characters are excellent. Except for the two mysterious, overdone emotions, they were sympathetic and believable. You sure have set this up for romance!

I did flag two places where Lisa had a strong reaction that I did not understand. In both cases, her reactions came out of nowhere for no apparent reason. I suggest that you go back to those two places and add a few words or sentences to clarify the rationale for her reaction.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

Excellent for this genre. We have a sympathetic main-character woman going off on a Mission with an obvious romantic interest.
The Mission is important enough to grab the reader, and the love interest is clear.



Style/Voice

Very good. You do a great job of putting the reader inside her head and letting the reader see what she sees, hear what she hears, and experience her emotions.



Grammar

Serious problems here. Luckily, fixing grammar is the easiest part of writing. A writer can easily learn how to write with good grammar, but learning to write a good story with good characters is hard. You have that part down well, so now you just need to work on grammar.

When I reviewed your earlier work, I was patient with your constant use of simple past when past perfect is needed. I just figured that you had written it before you knew the rule and had not edited it yet.
But now that you are writing an entirely new work, I need to hammer you. It would be silly for you to write a whole new novel with this serious error throughout.
I flagged this error the first few times I found it, but then I stopped. You did it many, many times.

I also found quite a few comma splices. I didn't flag any of them because I assumed they are from NaNo carelessness.

You employed ING phrases and tenses so many times that they flashed on the screen before my eyes. I suggest that you use your word processor to search for ING and reword as many of them as you can.
Beginning a sentence with a present participial phrase is nice for occasional variety, but you have a habit of doing that so often that the construction becomes obtrusive.

I am being this picky with you because this is a new work. You have the difficult aspects of novel writing down well. You have sympathetic characters involved in an excellent plot. It would be a pity to write this new novel and fill it with the same old grammar errors that you have been making for years.
Any writer as serious as you are should be concerned with good grammar.



My Favorite Part

>> Her heel caught on the runner and she lost her balance. The jolt sent her head first into Calvin’s lap. Her hands landed on the black leather, one on each side of his thighs. <<

This was cute. In fact, it is so cute that I would love for it to be double this length, with more detailed choreography.
This reminds me of a scene in an old James Bond (or some other action hero) movie. He is running through the woods with a woman who scorns him, a real cold bitch.
They fall down a cliff and slide uncontrollably downhill. When they come to a stop, she is lying on her back, head downhill, legs spread. His head is caught between her legs, with his mouth pressed against her crotch. Her reaction is precious.
I think you can make this scene really wonderful with a few more details.


SUMMARY:

This is a great start to a new novel. I think that the characterization and plot hook are wonderful.
Now please, please, please, learn the difference between simple past and past perfect. It's time! You owe it to yourself.

Tim
11
11
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Item reviewed: Isaac's Dream, Chapter 2


Line by line

>> A Bakudan, a type of drone bomb typically found in the vicinity of dead worlds <<

I don't recall the 'typically found' information in the prior chapter. Maybe I missed it.
It does seem as if the fact that this bomb is typically found near dead worlds is an important fact, so if it's not there in a clear way, you should make sure it is.


>> “Did it get damaged in the impact?” <<

It's not clear at all whether IT is the lightseeker or the bomb. We learn very soon, but not until after a momentary lurch.


>> “That Lightseeker is one of the new models we’ve been producing for a few years now. When I did the last redesign, I made the hull into a giant capacitor/conductor array, just to see if I could catch one of these things for you to study. <<

I'm surprised that the Director needs to be told this. Is he that far out of the loop?


>> Sam made a jerking motion with his head towards Chuck and Sato’s enthusiasm trailed off. <<

Chuck COMMA (otherwise it reads wrong)


>> talk about this later, right?”
“Sure, but right now <<

RIGHT repeats


>> “If they’re just bombs waiting for a target, what value can they have if we catch one intact?” <<

In my opinion, this is a dumb question from him. The value is obvious. They can learn to protect themselves from it better. They can study alien technology. They can get clues about why they are present.
I know that you need a way to feed information to the reader, but this felt wrong to me. Maybe you can slightly modify the conversation to make it more realistic.


>> They’re of alien origin, but almost always contain components that come from civ they are associated with. <<

Minor complaint: If these things are giant high-tech bombs, and especially if they destroy the lightseekers, I'm surprised that they can learn this. What's left after it blows up?


>> She had returned and was standing behind chuck <<

Capitalize Chuck
Very minor nit: I wish I had seen her arrive. No big deal.


>> When the door closed, murmurs of the interrogation Cendor knew was coming filtered into the room. <<

I don't get this at all. Chuck was dismissed because he has no clearance. He just left, alone. So who is interrogating whom? Where? In the hall? Why?
I also did not understand the next sentence, his thought.


>> Whoever controls these things has their sights set on us <<

Nice hook


>> a fried datacube fund floating in space <<

found


>> It’s stuck in a logic loop. After firing its primary weapon, it returns to acquire mode, senses our drone’s presence and builds up to fire again. <<

It is now obvious that they have learned a lot about this thing, more (it seems) than they could learn from a remote examination of exploded debris. I'm really wondering now about this.


>> It’ll do that until the Bakudan can no longer generate power, or gets shut down.” <<

Gets shut down? So they have reason to believe that the alien creator, or some other entity, is still in control of the bombs?


>> but losing the chance to prove the impending connection to human civilization reliable? <<

Typo? This is awkward.


>> careful to avid giving her a direct opportunity <<

avoid


>> how would you recommend we expense tis project?" <<

this


>> A deafening silence came over the room <<

A work I reviewed recently had DEAFENING SILENCE in it. Was it your prior chapter? Not sure.


>> After several minutes, Isamu made his decision known. <<

SEVERAL MINUTES seems like a very long time in this context.


>> That civ only died out a few hundred years ago, <<

That civ died out only a few hundred years ago,


>> I’ll need a few days to put one together <<

Missing open quote


>> I have a few people in mind that are already familiar with <<

WHO are



Setting

There was very little setting, but that was fine with me. This is a dialog-driven chapter taking place in a place we have seen before.



Characters and POV

You have a lot of characters in a room together and interacting in complex ways.
This makes keeping track of things a little difficult for the reader, but it's not too bad.

I have one small thought for you to ponder. I do NOT feel strongly about this. I am NOT pushing you to do this. I simply want to plant the idea in your head.
Do you need all of these people in the room? Can you do the same thing with just three people? This would be easier for the reader.
If you feel that you do need all of these people, that's fine. It's just that it is always better to add characters slowly. Begin with two, let the reader get to know them, and then add a third, then a fourth later, and so forth.
Putting all of these people together in one scene this early in the novel strains the reader a little. The truth is that right now I know only Cendor. All other characters are a jumbled blur. Is this a problem?



Referencing

No problems



Plot

This chapter was essentially a political and character-interaction plot.
We were introduced to a bunch of characters and shown a little bit about their personalities and conflicts.

I did have some confusion about the history of the alien bombs and their knowledge of them.
Maybe I was careless in my reading of the first chapter, but when I began this chapter, I had the impression that these bombs wiped out the probes in a huge explosion.
But as the chapter progressed, first I learned that they knew about some of the components (from the native civilization), and then I learned that they even know how the bomb's software works.
Now I wish that I had been given some information about how they knew all this. I would take only a sentence or two, I suspect.



Style/Voice

Very good, much better than your prior writing. You are good with dialog.



Grammar

Almost perfect



My Favorite Part

>> Whoever controls these things has their sights set on us <<

This was a great hook!



SUMMARY:

Your writing style in this very good, a huge jump over your earlier writing. I am nicely hooked with these bombs, and enjoying the personalities. Well done!

Tim
12
12
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Jeff. I reviewed the original version of this chapter, but at your request I will now review the revision.
You may notice good/bad comments on items that are still the same in this revision. This is because I tend to focus on areas that I consider most important at the moment. I may be looking at different issues today.


Item reviewed: Isaac's Dream, Chapter 1 (Rev 7/27/09) by SciFiGuy


Line by line

>> Cendor DeVang, Director of Exploration
Chuck Carlson, Shifter, Interstellar Probe Division
Sato Blevins, Assistant Director of Exploration, Interstellar Probe Division <<

This is extremely useful to the reader, but it seems unconventional for a novel. It feels gratuitous and out of place.
I'm not sure what to say. It looks like it should not be present, but at the same time I like having the information in front of me.


>> The heavy knocking at the door was urgent and unexpected. Cendor DeVang looked up with contempt, muttering a curse as he glanced at the clock. <<

I am going to be super picky on this opening.
The second sentence is excellent, exactly the sort of thing I love. It's perfect.
But the first sentence, arguably the most important sentence in a book, sounds a lot like a statement of fact.
Always be suspicious when you use WAS to link a subject to a predicate adjective. It's weak writing because even though it is not passive voice, it still has a passive feel to it.
Try to employ an action verb. Consider: Heavy knocking on the door shattered the silence of Cendor DeVang's office. He looked up...
Here, the verb is SHATTERED instead of WAS. Not only is it more powerful than WAS, but it also gives us his reaction to it. Having silence shattered is more immersive than just telling us that the knock was unexpected.
You can probably do better than my example, but you get the idea.


>> The long rays of sunlight dancing through lingering clouds of smoke confirmed the lateness of the day. <<

Excellent image. I love it. Omit THE at the beginning?


>> In Cendor’s eyes, it marked the death of something beautiful. <<

This is mainly a gut reaction, a minor opinion.
To me, IN CENDOR'S EYES dangles funny at the beginning of this lovely sentence. We are in his POV, so we know. I would omit it.
If your writing were not in deep POV, I could see including those three words. But because we are nicely inside his head, they are just clutter. My opinion only.


>> The door opened, just a crack at first <<

Why do you say AT FIRST? To me, it confuses the motion.


>> as if wanting an invitation to be more of a pain in the ass than he already was. <<

Great!


>> The visitor’s crisp white uniform told Cendor he was a mid-level supervisor <<

Good way to feed the reader some information while keeping it in POV.


>> Everywhere his gaze wandered, trophies and mementos from a lifetime of service to the Senka Corporate stared back at him in silent captivity. <<

Great. I am seeing a lot of wonderful images, well presented, in this chapter so far.


>> I growl a lot, but I don’t bite. Have a seat.” <<

He said HAVE A SEAT a moment ago, so if the guy has not sat yet, I think he would repeat it more strongly.


>> He glanced at a few images returned by a Lightseeker drone, finding nothing impressive. <<

FINDING NOTHING IMPRESSIVE sounds like telling instead of showing. We know his reaction from his next words, so this is not even needed.


>> another civilization without civilians <<

I can't figure out what this means.


>> “Well s-sir,” Chuck stuttered <<

We just heard the stutter, so you don't need to tell us.


>> His discomfort grew with every bong <<

Maybe you should use a different word. This made me smile because it reminded me of my college days long ago. *Smile*


>> Something crawled up your ass and made you walk down here, and I’m not going to stick my hand up there to fish it out. <<

Great line!


>> and began mashing inputs <<

BEGAN weakens and should be used only in those rare cases when it is logically necessary. He mashed inputs.


>> “Well, I see you haven’t killed him yet,” Sato said with a smile. <<

The dialog so far has been between two people, alternating.
A newcomer just entered, so it would be good to tag this new speaker, perhaps with body language, BEFORE the words are spoken.
This makes the reading smoother. Otherwise, the reader hears the words without knowing who just spoke them, a small lurch.


>> Cendor nodded to Jim, a close friend and corporate ally <<

A CLOSE FRIEND AND ALLY is telling, not showing. We'll know soon enough based on words, thoughts, and actions.


>> Run it through the CommLink, I’ll get the curtains and lights <<

Comma splice


>> pinpricks of light began coating the ceiling <<

BEGAN again
I don't think you need it here, although it is arguable.


>> on the hull that almost obscured the ships name <<

Minor nit: The HULL did not obscure the name.


>> an object everyone except Chuck was familiar with <<

Instead of telling us that Chuck was not familiar with it, can you show us?
Even better, do you need this fact now? I suspect that you can omit it and move things forward faster.


>> who’s only known purpose was to engage and destroy <<

WHOSE
Also, this feels like the author telling us a fact. Can you insert this in a short line of dialog?


>> like an arrow, lodging in the aft decking of the Senkan drone as its momentum spun the two vessels like a top. <<

LIKE repeats


>> "The answer to the riddle of a lifetime is now in the palm of our hands!" <<

Minor complaint: I love ending a chapter with a mysterious hook, but this was a mite too mysterious, or maybe mysterious in a way that I didn't like.
My problem is that I don't know what he meant by this. So instead of pondering a delicious mystery, I find myself wondering what his words meant.
This is a very minor issue, just a trivial gut feeling that may be unique to my mood at this moment. Don't pay a lot of attention to it.


Setting

Excellent. You did the office well, and in his POV.


Characters and POV

Excellent. You have portrayed the three main characters well. I understand them, and they behaved believably and consistently.
Do you really need all of those other characters standing around? If so, fine. I did not find them too obtrusive.
But they did add to the list of characters that I had to keep track of in my head as I read, which was a bit of a nuisance. No big deal.


Referencing

No problems


Plot

Excellent. You gave us a nice plot hook. I do wish that I knew just a tiny bit more about the startling new situation. What are the implications of this development?
I suspect that just one sentence of dialog, two at most, is all I would need to complete my picture and hence more fully appreciate the hook.


Style/Voice

This is a HUGE improvement over your prior version! That version was filled with telling instead of showing, while this version contained only a few small instances of telling. Excellent!
Also, you had numerous clever lines. It is clever little snippets scattered in the text that make for fun reading, and you have done this well.



Grammar

Excellent


My Favorite Part

>> The distinctive alien drone, who’s only known purpose was to engage and destroy, began radiating a blue-green glow. <<

Even though this sentence contained some telling, easily fixed, I loved the introduction of an alien artifact.


SUMMARY:

I can't believe how much you have improved your chapter with this revision! This was fabulous. It's great characters in an exciting plot, well presented. Yes!

Tim
13
13
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Item reviewed: Isaac's Dream, Chapter 1


Line by line

>> The knock at the heavy wooden door was urgent and unexpected. Cendor DeVang looked at it with contempt. <<

I have one trivial quibble with this opening, and a lot to like.
HEAVY WOODEN sounded slightly out of place because it feels like extraneous information, something that the POV character would not notice or care about at this moment. It sounds to me like the author dropping in a bit of gratuitous information. No big deal.
On the good side, It names the POV character, places him in the scene, and gives us a hint of his attitude. Excellent!


>> the long, yellow rays of sunlight passing through billowing clouds of aromatic smoke were right on schedule. <<

I couldn't make sense of this statement. The sun is on schedule?


>> Sheila must have stepped away, he thought. <<

Different editors have different rules for thoughts.
The most common style sheet that I have seen says that you EITHER italicize the thought or say HE THOUGHT. One or the other, but not both.


>> “Come in, have a seat,” Cendor offered in a deep, gruff tone. <<

DEEP GRUFF TONE feels out of POV. Of course, he may have done it deliberately, in which case it's fine. But that doesn't seem right to me.
Normally, the tone of a dialog line is something HEARD and NOTICED by the POV character.
Do you understand what I just said? If not, let me know and I'll explain more.


>> The crisp, white uniform told Cendor the young man <<

This is the third time recently that you have used a color with another adjective.
I don't normally nit comma errors, but it is repetitive, so I'll mention it.
The serial adjective rule for commas almost never applies to colors. In other words, you almost never precede a color with a comma.
The reason is that you separate serial adjectives with a comma only if you could reasonably reverse the order of the adjectives.
Because you would never say WHITE CRISP UNIFORM, you must not use a comma.
My wife (who is a world-class grammar expert) explains it differently. She says that colors bind to their nouns so tightly that they act as a single unit.
So in effect you have only one adjective, CRISP, modifying the single unit WHITE UNIFORM. However you explain it, the bottom line is that you do not use a comma when the second adjective is a color.


>> tucked under one arm as he closed the door with the other <<

Subtle grammar error: AS implies simultaneity. Did he TUCK it at the same time that he CLOSED the door? I suspect not. Rather, he already had it tucked there.


>> ornate leather chair in front of his desk, watching the young man’s augmented eyes wander about the large, overstuffed room <<

This is mostly a personal opinion, a gut reaction. Still, I think some objectivity underlies it.
I am only a few short paragraphs into the story, and I am already feeling smothered in adjectives. In fact, here is what we have in just 253 words:
heavy
wooden
urgent
unexpected
long
yellow
billowing
aromatic
impeccable
best
stringy
white
vaulted
beautiful
dark haired
young
mahogany
bowed
respectful
deep
gruff
crisp
white
mid-level
golden
yellow
three
black
large
black
yellow
new
ornate
leather
augmented
large
overstuffed
Wow! This is so many adjectives that they are starting to flash in neon Day-Glo.


>> brought to your personal attention immediately.” He stood at attention <<

ATTENTION repeats


>> almost wincing as Cendor took it <<

Subtle POV error: If he ALMOST winced, how can Cendor see it? He is POV, so we can't see it either.


>> “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Sato smiled. <<

I have mixed feelings about your ending hook. By the way, this comment is just my own personal reaction, purely subjective.
On the one hand, you have SET UP for an exciting scene and thrown at us the fact that we will see something honest-to-goodness exciting in the NEXT chapter.
On the other hand, I wish I had seen the exciting thing in THIS chapter.
I get the feeling that this first chapter did not have an exciting hook in it. Rather, it teased the reader with the promise that if we read just one more chapter, we will get to see the exciting thing that is promised.
Speaking strictly personally, this leaves me feeling cheated, as if you made me read an entire chapter but then left me with only a PROMISE that I will soon see something that grabs my attention.



Setting

The setting was extremely detailed, which is good. However, your chapter contained an enormous amount of what is often called gratuitous description
This is description thrown in by the author for its own sake, so he can claim that he has lots of description.
Truly effective description is limited to those things that the POV character would notice and that would either clarify aspects of the situation, enhance character depth, or advance the plot.
It is generally bad to just recite a bunch of facts about the setting.
Some time ago, I posted this message in the groups. This quotes an expert speaking, not me:
The current issue of Writer's Journal has a wonderful article called "Seven Bad Habits of Highly Unsuccessful Writers." Here is what this author has to say:
Too many useless mannerisms, bits of business or trivia, or descriptions can bog down your tale right out of the starting gate.
While the color of someone's coat can be a revealing detail, make sure there's a reason for its inclusion,
and beware stacking up lots of physical description before the reader has a chance to build her own image.
The reader is less likely to care that Susan is of medium build with brown eyes and auburn hair
than about the fact that Susan is carrying a bouquet of wilted flowers, has wet mascara running down her face,
and is missing one earring.

That quote says it well. Please ponder it, as correctly choosing what setting and character description to portray in a scene is a key aspect of good writing.



Characters and POV

We have a solid feeling for the POV character. You did a great job of putting us inside his head and helping us to know him.
You also did a good job of showing us the other characters as they arrived. You used body language well.


Referencing

No problems



Plot

This is much, much better than your first version. Unlike that version, you dropped us into ongoing action and showed us a hook.
My only small concern is that the hook is put off to the next chapter. Speaking personally, I felt cheated.
For my taste, I would prefer to have a little less description of the setting, and more quickly to get on with the real hook.
Show me the Big Thing at the end of this chapter instead of promising me that I'll see it in the next chapter. That's just my own gut reaction.



Style/Voice


Your style is mostly good. The chapter was clean and easy to read.
However, you had several POV violations that I flagged.
I also felt smothered with adjectives as you piled them on in a way that felt more like the author throwing things wildly about instead of showing us things that the POV character notices and cares about.


Grammar

Excellent



SUMMARY:

This is TREMENDOUSLY better than your prior first chapter, very close to perfection as I see it.
In order to fully satisfy me, you need to do only two relatively small things.
First, you need to drastically cut your adjectives and limit description of the setting and other characters to only those things that the POV character would notice and care about, or that serve to advance the plot.
Second, you need to move the Big Thing in the next chapter to the end of this chapter in order to provide a more solid hook.
These two things, if you choose to do them, should be quite easy.

Oh... the prologue... That terse computer conversation will be cherished by a small niche of readers.
Those readers who love hard, realistic SciFi filled with nitty-gritty aspects of technology will love it.
But I suspect that this minority will be swamped out by the vast majority of readers who will roll their eyes and put the book back on the shelf as they wonder if that sort of difficult text will appear regularly.
Also, I suspect that this sort of opening is so unconventional that agents will not get past the first two or three lines.

Remember that most readers (and hence all agents and publishers) care most about PEOPLE, not technology.
For this reason, I suggest that you drop the prologue. Starting in Cendor's office with an exciting discovery is a very effective opening. I'd go with it.

Tim
14
14
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with FantasyHorrorSciFi Novel Works...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
SciFiGuy - I'm going to give you a heads-up right now: I have a LOT of (hopefully constructive) criticism of this chapter. I did this only because you are a serious and talented writer who wants to be published.
Most of my criticisms are not of your writing technique, which is very good, but rather publication. You have violated many of the most important rules of publication, which you can find enumerated on the Web sites of many agents and publishers. This is where I put most of my attention.

Item reviewed: Isaac's Dream, Chapter 1 by SciFiGuy


Line by line

>> In Chapter 0, we were introduced to the main characters <<

Thank you for doing this! I like the reminders.


>> The goals of Chapter 1: Introduce the reader to Verdan and Johnny at the adult stage and plant the seeds of their personalities. Provide background to the universe through the eyes of the characters. Set the stage for their coming adventures. <<

I have not yet read this chapter, so I may have to eat these words.
However, the goals you state here scare me because they are textbook examples of what NOT to do in a first chapter!
A good first chapter does not just INTRODUCE characters, nor does it PLANT SEEDS, nor does it PROVIDE BACKGROUND or SET THE STAGE.
A good chapter jumps right in, with the story ALREADY IN PROGRESS. We get to know the characters on the fly, while they are already involved in something exciting.
That said, I will now read on and hope that you do not do what you said you were going to do...


I'll note here that because this is, by your admission, an early draft, and also because it is quite long, I will avoid nitting spelling, grammar, typos, and so forth. I'll concentrate on big issues.


>> While Verdan busied himself with homework, Johnny stared at the plaque attached to agold-trimmed landing strut of the ancient spacecraft just a few meters from the park bench they sat on and contemplated its meaning from a historical perspective. <<

I was breathless and panting by the time I got to the end of this sentence. *Smile* It is much, much, much too long for me to swallow with comfort.


>> Johnny suggested studying here because the setting tied in <<

I know I said that I wouldn't nit grammar, but I want to make sure that you know that this should be past perfect tense: HAD suggested.
If you don't know what I mean, please let me know and I'll pursue it with a quick explanation and a useful link.


>> Johnny stared at the lunar module intently, his head leaned back against the rail as his thoughts drifted <<

A nearly universal rule of modern publication is that you have 200 words in which to grab the attention of an agent or publisher.
You are at 231 now, and nothing has happened. Two guys are sitting around and doing their homework, staring, and letting thoughts drift.
No action has happened, nor has a mystery been presented, nor has a serious problem been exposed.
Okay, I know that you have a prologue, and it contained more action. So you are somewhat off the hook.
But only a little, because now I know that the prologue has no direct bearing on the story. It's just an introduction to a few characters. I'm quite sure that at some point you will have to cut it. Beginning a novel with a look at main characters as children is another textbook example of what not to do. Sorry, but it's true. *Smile*
Readers and agents and editors want to jump right into the story, not see a scene from childhood and then jump forward to the interesting part.


>> While Shakespeare was a favorite of his <<

Author intrusion


>> Sheryl Miller was among them, the love of his life <<

LOVE OF HIS LIFE is author intrusion


>> Look at what the Free Market has wrought! <<

Always beware of having a character preach at readers. It's risky.


>> completely out of character for himself <<

Author intrusion


>> “You were snoring,” Verdan said <<

Cute, but see my next comment


>> “I had a dream. <<

A universal piece of writing advice given by agents and publishers is to NEVER, and they mean NEVER begin with a dream.


>> She said that it was nice to know what your mouth looked like when your foot wasn’t in it. <<

Great line!


>> finished with studies for the next few days <<

Author intrusion. I'm going to stop flagging this now.


>> Johnny readjusted his focus and found that someone had carved ‘Billy loves Kate <<

Please, please don't hate me. *Smile* I have to be honest and say that I am bored silly. Nothing is happening! These guys are daydreaming and having a bland conversation.
There is no tension, no excitement, no mystery. Nothing but random thoughts and chit-chat. Sorry, but I have to be honest.
I'm going to skim mode now.




Setting

For all the thoughts and meandering, you had very little setting. I would have enjoyed more of a look around the place.



Characters and POV

Your characters are real, sympathetic and consistent. Very good.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

Um, please don't be mad, but for me there was no plot. Two guys sat around and chatted about philosophy. I can't imagine an agent being taken by this.



Style/Voice

You let the author intrude quite a few times. Your voice was smooth and easy to read, though, and very clean.


Grammar

Nearly flawless. Excellent



My Favorite Part

>> She said that it was nice to know what your mouth looked like when your foot wasn’t in it. <<

This was a wonderful line


SUMMARY:

Oh sigh. I hate it when I have to beat up on somebody like I just did, but I had to because you are a serious writer.
If you were hopeless I would not have bothered to say so much. But you have an excellent command of things like grammar, sentence/paragraph construction, and characterization.
But you very much need to understand that the key to a successful novel is to completely avoid introductions. JUMP RIGHT IN with things moving! The reader is not interested in being brought up to speed on the characters and situation. The reader wants to hit the ground running.
Other than this, your technique is excellent.

Tim
15
15
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Tric. (Can I call you Tric?) I've never reviewed you before. Welcome to our group! I hope I can give you some useful suggestions.


Item reviewed: Rise of a Demon, Prologue, by Tricnomistal


Line by line

>> A horde of men circled Galon. The specks of their torches outnumbered the stars in the sky.
Galon stood watching them <<

As a general rule (not always obeyed, but good when in doubt), it is better to establish the POV character BEFORE saying what he sees.
So my suggestion is to mention Galon watching first, then show us what he sees.
This is not a vital issue, but a good habit, especially for beginning writers.
You provide a perfect example here of why this order is good. When I read the first sentence, I assumed that Galon is a city, not a person, both because of the sound of the name and the number of torches.
I visualized someone looking down at the city of Galon from a hill, with thousands of torches cirlcing the city. Then I realized I was wrong, which is a bump in the reading road.


>> Galon had used all his might to destroy these under-humans, these followers of Karon <<

Minor quibble: Galon and Karon are similar, and many readers will confuse them. I suggest dramatically different names.


>> Those who did not parish <<

perish


>> south to the coast taking to the see <<
sea You mentioned that this is an early draft, so I guess I'll quit nitting typos now.


>> they charged hard and overcame Galon. <<
In the next few sentences you do a great job of SHOWING us his defeat, so you don't need to TELL us he was defeated.



Setting

The setting was reasonable. You didn't give us a lot of detail, but we got images and sounds. As far as I'm concerned it was fine.



Characters and POV

There's only one character, and this is short, so we don't know much except that he fights valiantly with presumed magic, and then dies, swearing to return.



Motivation

He's fighting for his life, so I guess he's got great motivation!



Referencing

I don't have any, but I don't need any.



Plot

This is short, and very little happens, just what I mentioned in 'Characters'



Pace

Prologues are often fast paced, so this was fine. If the novel were all this fast I would worry, but this is perfect for what it is.



Style/Voice

He's got an arrogant, taunting voice, and you've shown him cleanly.



Grammar

Numerous typos, misspelling, and so forth. It needs a lot of cleaning.



SUMMARY:

This was too short for me to be able to say much.
In your lead-in, you said you wanted an opinion about whether the story line is interesting.
Well, the caharacter is interesting, as well as the situation. His promise to return is a good hook.
So as far as it goes, this is promising. It was just too short to have anything I'd call a story line. The main character fought and died. That's it.
I'd say that this would serve well as a prologue. I suspect that you have a good story in mind, so keep at it. Post more.


I do have a suggestion regarding cleanliness and length.
Reviewers tend to have only a certain amount of 'reviewing power' in them in a given session. If your work is very clean, then you can get away with a long posting that will require reviewers to stop only rarely.
However, this work had an enormous number of small grammatical and spelling errors, incorrect use of words, typos, and so forth.

If you have little experience with grammar, and this is your best effort, that's fine. Nobody here will criticize you for posting work with grammar errors.
Grammar is about the least important aspect of writing, and we would love to work with you and help you to improve.

However, if this is the case, I suggest that you keep the length of your postings down to about the length of this Prologue. That way, reviewers can take the time to point out most of your errors, and you will learn quickly.
If you put up a long posting (several thousand words) with this many errors, reviewers will skip most of the problems, just focusing on the big issues, and your learning will slow.

I'd say you have the beginning of a good story here, and you should pursue it for at least a while. After reviewers have gone through a handful of chapters, we'll know more.

Tim
16
16
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Shelly. Sure, I'll take a look at this story.
It's too bad you are on such a short deadline, because you might have gotten useful reviews if you had posted it in the group.

>> My dreams were never actual dreams. <<
First sentences are crucial. Something subtle is wrong with this one. I think it's because it's a sort of logical flaw: dreams were not dreams.
I think that the idea you want to get across is that your dreams are not 'normal' in some way. I'm sure you can do better than these examples, but here are a few off-the-cuff ideas:

My dreams are not like those of others. I walk through a fog, aimless and unhurried.

When I sleep, I do not dream as the world knows dreaming. I walk through a fog, aimless and unhurried.

When I close my eyes and invite sleep, a white fog descends, pushing aside any dream that might attempt to slip into my mind.


>> It was so peaceful I would have stayed there forever if I could. <<
The problem here is that you begin with 'My dreams' which is plural, but then switch to 'It was so peaceful' which is singular.
Also, you need to decide if you want it to be past tense (just prior dreams) or present tense (all of your dreams, in general)

>> fearful of his anger. Another day of pain would begin. <<
Excellent opening hook

>> When my sleep was disturbed this time, however, it wasn’t to the early gray of morning. <<
You wanted picky, so I'll give you picky. *Smile*
Analyze the grammar of this sentence. Its essence is that SLEEP WAS DISTURBED TO. I don't think something can be DISTURBED TO.
Also, it is passive voice (sleep was disturbed). I don't find it much of a problem, but some people will (such as a contest judge). So you might want to reword it to make it active.
One can AWAKE TO something, so perhaps:
This time, however, when I awoke from the peace of my fog, it wasn’t to the early gray of morning.

>> The room was blanketed in the shadows of darkness. <<
Passive. Make it active: Shadows of darkness blanketed the room.

>> The hands began to tug harder <<
Avoid BEGAN whenever possible. The hands tugged harder.

>> Clammy hands touched my bare skin. <<
You just used HANDS. Perhaps FINGERS.

>> I moved to the edge of the bed and stood. <<
Personal opinion only: This felt too abrupt to me. I suggest adding a sentence or several to drag out the tension here. Milk it for effect.

>> I dozed off and on, dreamless until I would jerk awake a few minutes later <<
Picky point: The phrase "dreamless until I would jerk awake a few minutes later" links DREAMLESS with JERK AWAKE, which is nonsensical logic. You need to reword it so that JERK AWAKE links with DOZED OFF. Perhaps:
I dozed into one dreamless sleep after another, each time jerking awake within minutes.

>> shivering from having laid on the cold tile <<
lain

>> I opened the bathroom door, peering out. <<
I opened the bathroom door and peered out. (You need it this way because they are sequential actions, not simultaneous.)
The way you worded it, she was peering out as she opened the door, when really she opened the door first and then peered out.

SUMMARY: Actually, most of the wording in this work was very good. I had only a few suggested changes.
It was also powerful and emotional. I felt your fear.

I feel funny about my one complaint, because it's pretty big, but at the same time I'm not sure of myself. So I might be misleading you because of my lack of understanding. Still, we need to think about it.
The problem is that I didn't understand the end. I expected some sort of clincher, a revelation or a resolution. Instead, I sat here scratching my head.
What happened? She opened the curtains and saw daylight. The shadows of darkness were gone. But so? Wouldn't that be the case when the sun comes up?


And what about the dream? She was being touched and tugged by something unseen, and she was scared. But a hidden voice assured her it would not hurt her.
At the end, she wonders if it was a dream or real. What is the implication of this? Suppose it was a dream, or suppose it was not a dream. If not a dream, what was it? What is its significance?

The bottom line is that I didn't 'get it.' When the end of the story came, I had no feeling of resolution. I didn't feel as if a problem or mystery had been resolved.
I also had some open questions, as mentioned above.

Hopefully, this is just a matter of you doing some minor clarification.

Or maybe it's me. I'm a guy, and nothing even remotely close to your event has ever happened to me. So maybe I'm so far removed from its reality that I can't relate.

I hope this helps a little. I wish I could do more for you, but this is it. The story was well written and powerful. I simply didn't understand the end.

Tim
17
17
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mithandriel. I just enjoyed The Manor Chapter 2. Here are some thoughts:

>> The sound of wind and the icy touch of cold rain on his face awoke Geroth with a start. His head throbbed as if kicked by a horse, blurring his sight. <<
Great way to set the scene and draw the reader in right away.

>> None of the known constellations were visible. This was no place he was familiar with. <<
A bit passive and 'telly.' Perhaps:
He looked in vain for a constellation that he recognized. Finding none, reality struck him hard. He was in a strange land, a place he did not know.

>> No thief worthy of the profession leave such valuable items behind. <<
WOULD leave

>> deciding there was no other choice, began to follow the road. <<
I try to avoid BEGAN. He followed the road.

>> Geroth could no longer see the outline of the hill he awoke on through the mist. <<
Awkward wording

>> yet nothing could be seen through the fog. <<
yet he could see nothing through the fog

>> His hope began to change to trepidation <<
BEGAN again. His hope changed...

>> Ever circling, his heart beat heavily in his chest <<
Grammatically, this means that his heart was circling

>> He knew that there were mysteries in the world that could not be explained however Geroth was a man of reason and reason dictated a logical explanation. <<
You've omitted a lot of necessary commas in this chapter. I usually avoit nitting commas, but this really stood out.
He knew that there were mysteries in the world that could not be explained PERIOD however COMMA Geroth was a man of reason COMMA and reason dictated a logical explanation.
Commas are necessary to clarify the logic of sentences and separate them into unified segments.

>> the mist reformed and the girl was obscured once again. <<
You love WAS. I've seen it and its close relatives so often that they are grating. Perhaps:
the mist reformed, obscuring the girl once again.

>> The left gate lay on the ground as if it was knocked aside <<
as if it HAD BEEN knocked aside

>> At one time, it proudly bore <<
HAD proudly

>> he had never seen in all the lands he traveled in his life <<
HAD traveled

>> The mansion was covered in grime to the point of being almost black. <<
grime covered

>> Her arms were held out at her sides almost beaconing him <<
She held her arms out at her sides, beckoning him...
(make it active, and lose ALMOST, which weakens)

>> He watched in horrors as they drew closer. <<
horror

>> All that could be seen was a hazy outline <<
all that he could see

SUMMARY: This was a very exciting, ghostly chapter. You've done an excellent job of painting it for the reader.
The level of detail was perfect for me. Any less and it would lack substance. Any more and the pace would be too slow, and hence boring.
We're obviously inside the world of the painting. Well done!

You do have several recurring problems that I should mention:

1) You missed MANY commas. It often happened that I had to work to puzzle out the meaning of a sentence simply because the lack of commas made long, complex sentences run together in one confusing jumble.

2) Use your word processor to do a word count for WAS and WERE. You used these very weak constructions much too often. They are legal and necessary, but you over-used them to a degree that made them stand out.

3) I don't usually comment on passive voice, but you used it so often in this chapter that it stood out. I flagged a few of them, but I left many unflagged. Turn on your word processor's grammar checker and find them. You can reword most of them in active voice very easily.

4) You often omitted HAD when the past perfect was grammatically required. This made some sentences unclear until I stopped to puzzle them out. If you don't understand past perfect, ask and I'll explain it or direct you to better resources than me.

5) You used BEGAN several times, and ALMOST at least once. These words are sometimes required to convey the proper meaning, but usually they just weaken and should be avoided.

These are all minor grammatical issues, far less important than the story telling, which you did very well. Great chapter!

TimM
18
18
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Mikita. I just enjoyed Magigenesis Chapter 2 Part 2. Here are some thoughts:

>> At first he had ignored Karoline's suggestion that the Assembly had taken the boy out among the Mundanes <<
This meaning is not entirely clear because SUGGESTION does not quite go with HAD TAKEN.
Is she making an accusation, or offering an explanation for an event that happened?
Or is she making an actual suggestion, and the verb tense in the second part of the sentence is wrong?

>> The last time Sigerdlic saw the Antemagenus was when he was seven. <<
Having just finished reviewing Part 1 of this chapter, which I found to be extremely slow paced, I sighed when I read this sentence. More backstory. (Please still like me. *Smile* I'm just giving my honest impression.)

>> When the boy was close to an age where Manifestation was possible <<
More backstory

>> It had been years, since Sigerdlic had felt any sign of him <<
More backstory (also, lose the comma here)

>> He had to be shielded somewhere by the Assembly <<
More introspection

>> He had no intention of sharing his rule, but he had had centuries of practice in making Sorceri happy as well as miserable. <<
More introspection and history.
Mikita, the first six paragraphs, some of them very long, have been backstory or introspective narration of facts or both. The plot has gone nowhere.
By this point, I'm asking myself, "Why do I need to know this now?" In all honesty, I'm not even remembering any of it. If these facts are essential to my appreciation of future events, I'm sunk.
Because they have been TOLD to me rather than being SHOWN to me in memorable action sequences or engaging dialog, they have not sunk in. They're gone already.
I feel like this is a background outline that you have made for yourself, to help you place people, places, and events in their proper geographical and chronological perspective.
That's a good thing, usually quite valuable to an author to aid in consistency. But I don't think many readers want to be told all this.
If a knowledge of these facts is essential to understanding the plot, Heaven help us. It would take a very clever and careful reader to keep track of all the information that has been presented in the
prior part (Part 1) and this so far. And if it's not essential, why include it? All it does is slow the plot. Others may disagree with me on this, perhaps strongly. This is just my reading preference.

>> The Consul glanced up as the door opened. His Karoline stood on the threshold, followed closely by her Quinta aid. <<
YES!!! Yes, yes, yes. At last the plot is moving.

>> He let his magic rise and enter her skin claiming her as his own <<
skin COMMA

>> He is in the United States of America, just north of Phoenix, Arizona." <<
A shocking touch of reality!

>> There were a few unAwakened Sorceri in the Mundane world. Karoline along with the other Magistri brought them to Duriel once the magic rose enough to be dangerous... <<
Interspersing 'telling' sequences like this slows the plot and distracts the reader. Also, it damages the delicious immersion that good novels produce.

>> So you do think he found her, purposefully?" <<
No comma

>> He released her sighing <<
her COMMA

>> He won't have any mind powers to speak of which means he won't <<
of COMMA

>> He felt Karoline's anger flare at the mention of the girl, he expected a similar flare of magic <<
Comma splice

SUMMARY: The second half of this work was much better than the first half. Except for a couple short telling sections, it moved along well.
The dialog was smooth and believable. The tension between them was done well. If you could write all the time like you did in that part, I would love the story.
Please understand, some degree of backstory or narration is usually acceptable, and occasionally even necessary. You don't have to scrub your novel clean of it.
It's just that you have so much of it. When you have one long paragraph after another that is nothing but history lessons, either told by narration or presented as backstory, the reader quickly becomes fatigued.
Nobody wants to feel like he/she is reading a history text. Most readers want to drop into the world of the novel and become totally immersed in it, living there along with the characters,
seeing what they see, hearing what they hear, and feeling what they feel. Every time you go into 'telling' mode in which you deliver a lecture on social norms or give a history lesson, the reader is pulled up out of the world.
You've got a great story going here. Just keep it moving forward. Constantly ask yourself if things are needed. Make every sentence count.
Don't include a single sentence, or even a single word, that does not have a clearly defined purpose, which should almost always be to push the plot forward rather than fill in historical details.

TimM
19
19
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Mikita. I just enjoyed Magigenesis Ch. 2 Part 1. Here are some thoughts:

>> an acrid perfume like a just struck match <<
I suspect this should be either just-struck match or match just struck.
Interesting concept, giving magic a smell.

>> Instead, He stuffed his ungloved hands deep into the pockets <<
Don't capitalize He

>> It was a new generation and he could no longer pluck them <<
generation COMMA

>> undulating in soft waves of power and he knew her magical element was Water <<
power COMMA
The rule is: noun verb COMMA conjunction noun verb

>> He could have given her thoughts that would sear her tender mind, and broken her sticklike body <<
I guess you mean for BROKEN to match GIVEN, but because SEAR was between them, I felt like this was poor parallel structure. Perhaps (unless it changes your meaning too much):
He could have given her thoughts that would sear her tender mind and break her sticklike body
Trivia, I suppose. I'm feeling very picky this morning, perhaps too picky.

>> a small thing and yet, the smell of scorched cherry blossoms hung in the air <<
small thing COMMA and yet the smell...
The comma nearly always comes BEFORE the conjunction

>> He was too careful and she was too stupid. <<
Cute line

>> Sigerdlic might have found her offer tempting if her magic were anything remarkable. However, she was only a lower level Quinta, hardly worth his notice <<
This is a purely personal opinion, so don't pay a lot of attention to it, since others will surely differ.
For my taste, the pace is too slow. We are witnessing enormous amounts of introspection with no forward motion of the plot.
First, we watched and analyzed the children, several of them in great detail. I thought that a mite slow, but I didn't comment because it was interesting, giving me an idea of who and what he is, and how his mind works.
When the woman touched him and called him Consul, I assumed that the plot was about to move forward, but instead I got a lot of his thoughts about her.
Then came the paragraph that began "She silently stripped off one of her gloves.". I looked forward to seeing where this would go, but instead I got a very long paragraph explaining the meaning of her move,
as well as somewhat of an information dump about the reasons for gloves.
By this time, if I were reading this in a novel rather than for reviewing, I would have switched to skimming mode, waiting for something to happen.
Then came a paragraph that begins "Sigerdlic might have found her offer tempting if her magic were anything remarkable."
I skimmed that paragraph and saw more musings about his feelings toward her, concluding with yet another small information dump about ancient traditions.
Please forgive me for sounding harsh in these comments, but I would not be doing my job as a reviewer if I did not share my honest feelings.
I do admit that this has been interesting so far. I've learned a lot about the laws of their universe, the laws of social behavior in regard to magic, and his own personality.
So this has been a very educational read to this point. On the other hand, I don't usually read fiction to be educated, so I'm rapidly losing patience. I desperately want something to happen.
I need some action, and I need the plot to advance. It's practically stood still for much too long (for my taste, though probably not everybody's).

>> program requesting additional funding from the Quinque Consulem." he added to keep up the pretense <<
Consulem COMMA

>> "No. The girl has seen auras since she was four <<
This paragraph did not have a closing quote, which made it difficult to parse. The meaning is not clear, because I don't know who to attribute things to.

>> He was indifferent to Mundane born Antemagenae <<
Mundane-born

>> Why just last week we practically had to rescue a young prophetess from her own family. <<
Why COMMA

>> He waved a nonchalant hand at her dismissing her <<
HER twice sounds funny. Perhaps: He waved a nonchalant hand, dismissing her

>> She relaxed an inane smile on her thin lips. <<
relaxed COMMA

>> That left the prophecy. <<
Nice closing hook

SUMMARY: In all ways but one, this was a great chapter. You have presented a strong central character, and solidly defined his personality as a villain worth hating and fearing.
You have thoroughly (!) set up a magical world and told us much of its history and customs.
You have given us a mysterious secondary character in Karoline.
Your writing was clean and clear, except for a few minor comma issues that are trivia.
My only real complaint, which is purely subjective, is that I found the pace much too slow. I am an action reader. I like novels that move forward at a rapid clip, with one thing after another happening.

Here is the plot that I saw happen in this chapter:
1)The bad guy observed a bunch of children playing. He takes special note of several of them.
2) A minor underling told him that an unseen major player is away, even though he was scheduled to meet her.
I'm trying to think of other plot advancements that happened in this chapter, and I'm coming up empty.
Everything else was his personal musings, telling of social customs, and backstory.
Naturally, many people will find this fascinating, so please don't pay undue attention to my criticism. I'm just relating my own personal response to this chapter.
If I were to edit this chapter, I would cut it like crazy. I would use more of his body language to convey his emotions and responses, rather than using extensive internal musings.
I would also eliminate most or all of the backstories, making a note to present them later if they are important, and remove them permanently if they were not critical to the plot.
Careful use of body language, and careful choice of words in dialog can communicate enormous amounts of information to the reader, and do it in a way that is much more effective than presenting entire paragraphs of thoughts, which become tedious.
Also, I suspect that much (most) of the history presented here is not necessary to the novel.
They are facts that are important for you, the author, to help you maintain consistent actions and behaviors. But are they required for the reader? Do we really need to know all that detailed information in order to appreciate the novel?

After all these blunt comments, I hope you still like me! I'm of the opinion that personal opinions are an important part of the review process.
Please remember that I'm an action reader, and my comments about pace reflect my own reading preferences, not objective critical comments. So take them with a huge grain of salt.
Also, other than the pace issue, this was a wonderful chapter, full of fascinating and deep characters and presenting a solid hook.

TimM
20
20
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Mithandriel. I just enjoyed The Manor Chapter 1. Here are some thoughts:

>> Geroth strode down the cobbled street that served as the main thorough fair between the trade district and the central market square. <<
THOROUGHFAIR (one word)
Also, this is an extremely picky opinion that I'm giving only because this is the first sentence of your novel, a key sentence.
Saying that it is "the main thorough fair between the trade district and the central market square" is unnecessary information from the author right up front.
Ideally, you should work this fact in later, through dialog or observation (the number of people crowding the street). Do we even need to be told this fact? Is it important in any real way?
If it is, sure, you can tell it later. But to have such blatant 'telling' of a seemingly unnecessary fact in the novel's first sentence will turn off picky readers. Just my opinion.

>> He walked with a purpose, however he was in no hurry to complete his task. <<
Comma splice

>> provided a short respide from the unseasonal heat <<
respite

>> the many shops and stalls that lined the outer part of the market district , taking care to avoid the many shop owners <<
MANY SHOPs twice

>> The area was the main concentration of taverns, gambling dens and houses of ill-repute serving as the entertainment <<
This feels like author intrusion

>> The man feigned poverty, which would not be a lie once he learned of the theft and moved on as if in a hurry. <<
Awkward wording. Do you mean that the robbed man moved on? Not clear.

>> Geroth was a man of many seasons and witnessed the tactic <<
HAD witnessed

>> only to realize that his coin purse was missing.
Maybe it was time for a drink after all. <<
How will he pay for the drink?

>> He spent too much time at the tavern <<
HAD spent

>> He allowed Bertram, a pig of a man with less-than-average intelligence to ridicule him. It took all of Geroth's will not to throttle the man for his outburst. <<
This is an author's concise summary of an event. You are telling us what happened instead of showing us.
Give us the dialog in this scene so we can see for ourselves that he is less than intelligent. Let us see the ridicule, and Geroth's struggle to restrain himself.

>> it seemed that this man could see him just as clear as a soaring hawk sees a mouse <<
clearly

>> The heath's comforting warmth allowed him to relax a little <<
hearth

>> A faint look of recognition crossed Geroth's face. <<
POV violation (If you don't understand this comment, ask.)

>> Many years ago, I was a simple merchant <<
Missing quote (and many more missing quotes later, that I'll not mention)

>> cannot explain to you what the painting means or what significance it holds only that you are connected. Your fate is entwined with this girl somehow <<
Great hook!

>> Geroth reached into his purse to pull out some coins. <<
I thought his purse was gone

>> his small one room apartment above Bertram's smithy <<
one-room

>> One tongue lashing from Bertram was enough <<
tongue-lashing

>> he noticed the rolled up canvas sitting next to the bottle <<
rolled-up

>> As his eyes fluttered in a futile attempt to remain awake, the images on the canvas began to move <<
Another great hook

>> dreaming as the girls dress began to sway <<
girl's

>> The painting began to slip from his fingers as his eyes fell shut <<
painting slipped (began clutters)

SUMMARY: This was a fascinating start to your novel. The characters were presented well, the pace was perfect, and it was quite cleanly written.
I did find a fair number of places (a few of which I noted) in which you should have used the past perfect tense (HAD verb) but didn't. Also, you were missing a lot of quotes in the extended dialog. Trivia.
Well done, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

TimM
21
21
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Mikita. I just enjoyed Magigenesis Chapter 1. Here are some thoughts:

>> I felt my magic stretch awake like a lion awaking from slumber. <<
Beautiful opening line. However, AWAKING is not a word that I've ever heard. Awakening? Waking?

>> It dug kneading claws into my gut just to see if I was home and holding the leash. <<
Another nice image.

>> I let my magic flow along her skin <<
This confused me. Her? Who is HER? I don't see another person here yet. And it can't be the lion, because the lion is the magic, so the magic can't flow along its own skin.

>> paying out the power at a measured pace <<
I suspect you mean PLAYING out, as one plays out a fishing line.

>> The air crackled, alive all around us. <<
Okay, so there is a second person here, the HER from above. Personal opinion only: I don't like being kept in the dark like this.
I would have much preferred having at least a glimpse of the other person, a positive indication of her presence, before words like HER and US appeared. Otherwise I'm left to wonder who HER and US are, which is mildly annoying. Just my opinion. Others may disagree.

>> Beatrice wasn’t the type to initiate change, but tonight, I asked, not with words, but with my power. <<
Ah, this would have made the perfect opening sentence. If I had known from the start that there's a Beatrice present, all of my problems would have evaporated.

>> like wet Sand flowing along a Wind swept shore. <<
Why are Sand and Wind capitalized? (I see later that you are being consistent, so I'll trust you.) Also, wind-swept.

>> I fumbled for my cell phone. <<
Cute change in context!

>> I could feel the rampant power throbbing uncontrolled in my veins. I was so screwed. <<
Cute. This made me grin.

>> “What’s happening to him?” asked a man’s voice. <<
Interesting. For some reason I can't name, I thought the POV character was a young woman. I wish I could say why. Sorry. This came as a surprise.

>> an angel with spiky hair and a nose ring. <<
You sure have created a diverse crew for this scene!

>> The Assembly had been protecting possible higher powers like me, but now, that secrecy was shot. <<
I didn't understand this, and I wish I did. A touch more information would be nice.

>> My magic was coming back under my control with each slow even exhale. I didn’t want to jinx it with an inhale. <<
I've been wondering for a long time why he can keep exhaling without ever inhaling.

>> her waves growing under my magic, several broke with white caps <<
Comma splice or bad mix of tenses or typo

SUMMARY: For the most part, this was a beautiful opening to the novel. I liked the depth. You put the reader deep inside his mind and surrounded him/us with fascinating happenings. It inspired a sense of wonder and awe.
My only complaint is purely subjective. It's probably just me, and many people would disagree. For my taste, the pace a a bit slow. The mystical happenings dragged on to the point that I was tempted to skim.
In fact, if I had been reading this in a novel instead of reviewing it, I would have definitely gone to skimming mode about halfway through it.
Of course, many other readers would be entranced and relish the long, deep, sensual immersion. I certainly did for a while. It's just that it faded for me before long, and made me wish that the story would move on.
This, I emphasize, is a purely personal opinion. Take a vote.
Very clever and imaginative. Well done!

TimM
22
22
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Lon. I just enjoyed DAHGRI Chapter 2. Here are some thoughts:

>> you’re going to a new place, with new people, you must be on your best behavior <<
Comma splice

>> The government subsidized all orphanages the same. <<
Equally?

>> A normal occurrence considering he was usually up long before the light of dawn. <<
Not a sentence

>> pulled onto something more important that someone trying to scoff cubits <<
THAN

>> without an id, she didn't want to see where that would land her. <<
Funny construction

>> "Oh come on, you're not mad at me for that are you? <<
For what? I couldn't figure that out.

>> I won't tell you want I saw then," <<
WHAT I saw?

>> She could bring in the cubits if she hit things right, it was something she had never been able to teach him <<
Comma splice

>> Coco blushed, it was something Dag had never seen a Farren do. <<
Comma splcie

>> It was quiet a sight to see <<
quite

>> They finally found one just on the outskirts of the district. Standing outside a short distance away, Dahgri waited for just the right moment <<
JUST twice

>> She quickly copied his work and locked his terminal before linking to the other user. <<
Would a public terminal allow this sort of thing? It sounds criminally stupid of the designer.

>> She breathed a sigh of relief, they had been working on different parts of the code block. <<
Comma splice

>> A hand clamped down on her shoulder and her screen went blank. Now she was in for it. <<
Nice hook

SUMMARY: This was great, a very fast, easy, enjoyable read. My only criticism is the ease with which she stole code and even locked out the other coder. No system would be designed to allow such a thing. Otherwise, wonderful!

TimM
23
23
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Lon. I just enjoyed Dahgri Chapter 1. Here are some thoughts:

>> She stared longingly through the doorway of the information café. <<
Nice line

>> handed the older man reading a paper a cubit. <<
How about 'handed a cubit to the ...' to avoid an awkward construction

>> he stood, intent on chasing her away, <<
This felt like a minor POV fault

>> back door of the information café and peered through the glass. The clerk had his back to her, intent on his paper again. A woman stepped back from one of the many units. Walking to the back <<
four backs

>> Dahgri eyed the clerk, the station was across from him <<
comma splice

>> Her grubby street clothes put her beyond their notice. <<
Nice pathos

>> placed her hand on the UC, uplink connector. <<
I know I'm being very picky here, but I never like it when the author intrudes in even this small way

>> The screen before her returning to its original data feed: a news editorial. <<
Not a sentence

>> Some of the cubits scattered as she scampered crab-like out the door. <<
Good way to help us get to know her and feel sympathy

>> “They’re all over the place, Dag. What the hell were you doin’, man?” <<
This was an awkward jump. It took me until the next dialog to realize who this was. The transition would have been much smoother if you had added even one sentence, two at the most, to lead us there with her, or at least show us where she is through her eyes.

>> “Why, did they stop you on the street?”
“Yeah, three times! The id from Farris bit the dust on the last pass.” <<
This totally lost me. I figured it out a few sentences later, but the bump in the road had already jounced me.

>> Farris was a smuggler they knew. He trafficked in anything he could get his hands on <<
This was, for me, an unwelcome intrusion by an omniscient author

>> the troopers patrolling the streets. They must have realized she hadn’t left the quadrant. <<
They are after her for what she did in the information cafe? It's a big enough deal that they call out the troopers to go after a street urchin?

>> running a webbed hand over his smooth hairless head. <<
Nice image

SUMMARY: The first three-quarters of this chapter was very nice. You did a great job of putting me inside her head, getting to know her, and forming a sympathetic bond to her. However, when the scene dramatically jumped to include Coco (a wonderful name for one whose color changes!) I felt suddenly jerked about. The scene change was too abrupt and disorienting. I would have liked to have been eased into it. Also, some of the dialog was confusing. I had no idea what they were talking about at first, and this was annoying.

You have a very imaginative story here, one that I suspect will involve a deep bond with Dag. This is good. I only suggest that you clarify the final scene with Coco to make it read more smoothly and with more understanding.

TimM
24
24
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi SigmaWind. I'm sorry to have been away from you for so long. I hope you didn't think I had totally abandoned you. You have been a faithful reviewer of my work, and I owe you a lot for your many useful critiques. It's just that when I checked in to this group, I wanted to work my way through all of the denizens, just to see who and what was here, and to introduce myself and my characteristically brutal brand of reviewing. :) Anyhow, I just enjoyed What Love Began Part 2. Here are some thoughts:

>> The moons of Jupiter were hung above the giant swirling clouds of the planet like marbles. <<
Now that the locals have awakened my awareness of passive voice, my alarm blew here. How about just eliminating 'were?'

>> Behind him he could here a mechanized <<
hear

>> Actually it was probably highly illegal drugs <<
My preference is to use modifiers as sparsely as possible. Do you need 'highly?'

>> “Revenge won’t get my job done.” <<
Nice line

>> Before he could continue Twenter pulled a null-grav knife <<
On his father??? Wow, this REALLY lowered my opinion of him. I don't care how angry he is, this is major. Is this your intent?

>> “You are not my father.” <<
He 'thought' of him as his father earlier. I claim that this is not fair.

>> But your mother is aboard a ship that has something my boss wants collected. You want to ignore me okay. If you take the job maybe you can get both Andrei and the other person off that ship. <<
This line made me stop dead and think. All I can conclude is that Andrei is the mother. Is this right? If so, why does the 'father' refer to her as both 'your mother' and Andrei? And who is the other person? The 'something' the boss wants?

>> Mentally Twenter berated himself, <<
Do you really want to add 'mentally?'

>> “Thanks for the backup” He heard his father thank someone. <<
Redundant

>> “I want the bridge.” Garrett told her.
...
long before a week is up some one of the local mining platforms will have salvaged this ship and left us for dead. <<
I don't understand his logic here. What is he saying to her?

>> Silently she wished that she could just put it together <<
Do you need 'silently?'

>> And this time he would settle the score, and maybe in a more spectacular way than anyone had yet guessed. <<
Nice hook

>> Most adults didn’t pay much attention to an eight year old <<
This shocked me, because for a moment I thought he was this age now!

>> Garrett reached out and grabbed the injector in Sirons hand. Looking at it briefly he noted what it was and then injected himself. The relief was nearly immediate. But then the world began titling and Garret slide off the stool <<
A few sentences ago he ordered Sirons to keep him going. So now he knocks himself out?

>> “That perverts got a big surprise coming” <<
Have you already told us why she would call him this? Maybe chapter lag has made me forget. This is quite an accusation.

>> After all the women had been sleeping with Garrett <<
woman?

>> Her heart sort of jumped <<
'Sort of' is much too loose.

>> Basically it allows me to pick information <<
Basically is a terrible word

>> It wasn’t that she wanted to leave Sirons <<
POV switch

>> And she had memories of the earth being destroyed in about 26 years. <<
Wonderful hook!

SUMMARY: You have a magnificent plot here! The characters and relationships and plots within plots are wonderful. It is very fascinating. When you get this cleaned up, it will be a fantastic novel. However, you have a couple trivial problems, and one recurrent one.

Trivial problem 1: You never use an apostrophe for possessives. Easy fix.

Trivial problem 2: You are frequently redundant. You say things like (and these may not be exact quotes, but close): She silently thought, he mentally figured, et cetera.

Significant problem: There were many places in this chapter when I got lost and had to stop and figure things out. I often lost track of who did what, or why someone did something that seemed highly inappropriate in the circumstances. This is a very common problem. The root of this problem is that everything is absolutely clear in the mind of you, the author. So when you fail to clearly convey information to the reader, you do not notice the critical omissions. Of course, those of us who are entirely at the mercy of the writer for information definitely suffer from the lack of detail. My suggestion is that you study the wording of every section that I nitted for clarity above and try to logically analyze what went wrong. What information did I need but you left out?

In my (admittedly limited) experience trying to write fiction and critiquing the fiction of others, I have observed that this is one of the two big problems faced by beginning writers. (The other is making sure that everything said and done by a character is the believable result of a clear and consistent character and motivation.)

Despite my many criticisms of this chapter, I believe that you have the makings of a wonderful novel here.
Now all you need to do is slightly lengthen it by adding more detail. This will tremendously improve it.

TimM
25
25
Review by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Idelan. I just enjoyed Breaking the Sound. Here are some thoughts:

>> A tone connected perfect partners. <<
Wow, what a wonderful first sentence! Not only is it intriguing, but it also rolls off the tongue with a lilt.

>> This tone, essentially became you, it was everything you were or could be. <<
Correct puntuation: This tone essentially became you. It was everything you were (optional comma) or could be.
I'll mostly stop nitting punctuation now.

>> The tones of True Mates combined into a shining sound that sang in your blood. <<
Lovely line

>> People resided in tubes, held in stasis waiting to find that perfect mate no matter how long it took. <<
Whew! Wild concept.

>> It was rare to hear a tone ringing this deep in the Hall. <<
I wish you would have provided a few words to say why. Because these are the sleepers? I guess, but I'm not sure.

>> white robed caretaker <<
white-robed

>> She was breathless and excited she grabbed Neylan’s hands vibrating with glee. <<
I've seen a fair number of comma splices and run-ons. This was a particularly noticeable one.

>> More caretakers appeared they industrially gathered supplies <<
Yet another. Does your word processor have a grammar checker built in? A scan for run-ons and splices would teach you a lot.
This is obviously a major weakness of yours.

>> Maysa stood up, tears rolling down her cheeks as her perfect mate was wheeled over to her. <<
How did she know that the tone was for her? I saw no indication of a connection.

>> to peer at the woman he had been waiting more than a century and a half for. <<
Nice line. I hope he thinks she's cute! Well, I guess they would not be perfect mates if not!

>> He could feel her healing ability emanating from her; <<
Ding ding ding ding ding. POV violation.

>> “You can use your abilities to help strengthen him but no more.” <<
I wish I knew what 'more' is, but I suppose I can wait. I had better learn soon, because this is a grab line.

>> the power he felt was strong <<
Another POV

SUMMARY: This was a warm, touching beginning. It will be interesting to see what now happens to Neylan.
(I assume that this is where the story will go.)

I have no complaints about your story telling. You have clearly set the scene and introduced three characters.
Well, I suppose I have one very small suggestion in regard to the story. I wish that when the aunt appeared, I could have seen her through Neylan's eyes. Because she is an aunt, I visualized her as dowdy, sort of like my old aunts. I was surprised when I learned that she was a pretty blonde.

Oh, and one other small thing. I am wondering why some of the customers are in tubes, waiting for a hundred years or more, while others are not. Do they pay more in order to wait for more perfection? Are they particularly hard cases to match, and hence put in tubes if no match is found soon? Perhaps you could tell us through Neylan's thoughts.

My big complaint is, luckily, one that is easily fixed. You need to get a grammar book and learn about run-ons and comma splices. You had an enormous number of these in this work, and it was distracting. It detracted from the reading experience. As an aspiring writer, it is part of your job to learn good grammar and punctuation. Luckily, this is the easy part of writing! You already have the hard part, the vision and imagination, down well. Now work on the easy part!

Good work, and I look forward to reading more.

TimM
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