I liked lines in the poem like: "Forget the things I miss," "Again I must begin", and "I know it's going to rain".
I guess this is a finished poem, but have you thought about re-using these lines in a villanelle, where the meaning of lines like these change slightly every time they are repeated?
This was enjoyable also surprising in that she was not bitten and he suffered in her absence.
My comments:
- I wasn't sure about the rhyming word 'nice' in line 4 as it felt like a filler.
- He drank her smiles, not her blood - I am not sure this scans. Is it just me? The rest of it flows, but when I read it aloud, I stopped here. Was this an intentional moment to reflect?
Three months before the boys' welcoming into manhood, a message arrived at the Khumaint House. Delivered through many hands, the stone-carved cylinder bore an air of unmistakable authority. Only its intended recipient could open it—a testament to the Emperor’s unmatched wealth and power.
Akhalilel turned the cylinder in his hands, his thumb finding the small opening at its base. A sharp prick followed as it sampled his blood to authenticate his identity. The lid clicked open, revealing a tightly rolled parchment. The Duke unrolled it carefully, his eyes scanning its terse, direct contents.
What could the Emperor possibly be planning? Should I tread cautiously or prepare for a storm? He wondered, his brow furrowed. Without hesitation, he cast the parchment into the open fireplace, watching as the flames devoured the message. Sinking into his seat, he brooded over the letter’s implications.
A knock broke his thoughts. Three measured raps, followed by the entry of Kail, his most trusted advisor.
I liked it because:
- of the sentence variety
- of the way that you moved from the general (a message) to the specific (the small opening at the base
- of the stone-carved cylinder)
- of the way you showed actions and reactions (the duke unrolling it, scannning it and being interrupted)
- of the way of the way you focussed on one detail
- of way you used the adjectives 'measured' in 'three measured wraps' and 'most trusted' as in 'most trusted advisor' as I could fill in the gaps as a reader. It told me as a reader that the Duke didn't like to be bothered, and that he trusted very few people in very few words.
- of the way you use dialogue to indicate power dynamics (“How many times must I tell you, Kail? You may call me ‘friend.’”)
- of the way you segue from his solitude into Lady Cornwright's entry
I wasn't so sure about what followed in chapter 1 & 2 because:
- it felt like it was there to move the plot on (ie “I fear for the future and for the security of your bloodline." or "But to win this upcoming war, I must take risks that unsettle even myself.")
- it felt like it would not be spoken aloud ("But even though I see you as a friend in my heart, I cannot bring myself to speak it aloud." - The first paragraph signals there is a power imbalance which is undermined by this character seeming speaking freely)
- I really like how you develop scenes and this tell is a replacement for a memorable moment or beat. I don't want to be told this bit, I want to live it in your story.
- I wasn't invested enough in the characters to care about their living or dying so I had to re-read to avoid the details washing over me.
- the introduction of Lady Cornwright doesn't add much except to say she loves him
- her saying 'please' felt odd for her
- chapter 1 seems short
- Lady Cornwright has a beeper. I had to google to remind myself what a beeper was in our world. It is such a funny word and left me uncertain as to the mood, and the world you were creating which I guess is Pre- Nokia, or pre-BlackBerry yet people recieve messages in stone-carved cylinders that have blood analysis technology ...)
In short, I like your writing in the first paragraph, but would love to see more scenes rather exposition as this is how this reader cares for your character.
There are sections that could be cut down even further
1)
Words carry weight,
They are loaded with emotion,
Carry/weight are both communicated by weight. Line 1 and Line 2 say the same thing.
2)
There are many filler words.
Those who speak have dumbbells falling out their mouths,
3) try variations for the effect you want
dumb bells that fall out your mouth
Like dumb bells that fall out of mouths
like dumb bells that out your mouth fall
4) the image is startling. can you make it more so? dumb bell is a weight. Can you think of other things that are weights or might be considered weights?
It reads well.
I was not sure about the line - Oh, what a great mass!
The other lines focus on actions and memorable threes.
I am not sure how I would say this line - exasperation, awe, or anger.
Also, "Oh, what a great mass" has a softer sound than its rhyming twin in the first line.
In contrast I like lines such as "By the maker, I must face them" and the threes
such as "With blade, hammer, and arrow shot"
Thanks for a fun read
I really liked the imagery in the first four paragraphs/sections.
I also really liked the one line emphatic fragment paragraph segments.
I wasn't convinced that the later paragraphs were adding much and would have liked more concrete world building with tempting details to encourage me to ask questions about and engage with your creation.
In this prologue, you introduced the following characters: (Mirabelle and Eirwynn, her son, Gosse and the Order, Belenus, Cassius, the Ariels, Rowana and his Laurentinus friends and Damian, Clementine.
In this prologue, you have also told us about the following places: Laurentinus (I guess this is a city or a village), the True World, and Levigne.
In this prologue, you have also revealed that there is war or conflict, also magic, as well as a powerful, destructive figure.
This feels like a bit much, yet I am struggling to imagine who these people are. Ok - except for Mirabelle - her voice is really clear.
In short, I liked the first four paragraphs the most because I felt grounded.
I want to experience the events firsthand if possible.
Thanks so much for sharing this. It was a fun read. I would love to see how you develop this.
I like the mood you create.
I like the language you use.
I think it could do with fewer articles.
Try reading it aloud.
Do you want it to scan?
At the moment, it sounds a bit wonky to me as the lines seem overlong.
Was this your intention?
If not, cutting articles might help it to fit a desired metre.
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