Very good story. I enjoyed the bouncing between the present and the past, It gave great insight into Jonathan and family as characters. I think you really seemed to understand what it is like being in his position (admittedly I don't have much context being a) a girl and b) having a supportive family). I truly felt like I could empathize with Jonathan and that isn't easy with a fictional character.
It's good to see an interactive with a novel concept. Too many of the interactive stories are just growth, shrinking, possession, and age changing. I do think that this interactive could benefit from you adding to it some more, I've found that interactive stories catch on better when they start a little longer. I do intend on adding to it, but only once I've finished a couple of chapters in other stories and some of my own writing. Good Luck.
I found your story very interesting and I hope you continue to add to it. I would however change the title, although I understand the relevance to the story now, when I first read it I found it unoriginal and I almost didn't read the story because of it. I did like the parallels to The Hobbit in the beginning and I do see a lot of potential in this story and in your writing to create a book that could find its place in the Fantasy Cannon.
To start, I very much enjoyed your story. You did a great job of staying focused on the important parts of the story without leaving out too much detail. That is a very hard line to find but you did. I also liked the English diction. That may just come from you being English but I did like it. And finally your use of 'The End,' like the omniscient narrator I feel that 'The End' should be used more in modern writing.
I appreciate what you are trying to say but there are those loners who live outside of the boundaries you set. Two different groups were brought to mind, those who live in the wilderness who make everything themselves and for themselves, and those who feel shut out from society who might take help if offered, but they are not offered it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/taytaywilliams
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:38am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
