This is an interesting journey of self-discovery for Ronald Jackson, but by shunting from his perspective to the other woman's, I feel that the revelation actually loses some of its impact. I would suggest writing away from the shifting narrative and focus on his outlook exclusively.
For instance, when he's in the batrhroom, examining himself by way of her mirror, this would be a good time to entertain thoughts of his wife, how they met, how he ended up with her even though he's obviously convinced he could do better. Introduce that first hint of doubt there.
Then contrast that vision of his wife with this beautiful woman he finds himself with, and when she boasts about what she's done, and why, he's brought to epiphany and then panic as he realizes what's just taken place.
I don't mean to be a co-writer in this, I'm sorry if it seems that's what I've done here. Rather, I'd hoped to demonstrate to you that you might be able to avoid the second perspective and still demonstrate both his motives and hers.
I really like where you take this, by the way, that just as he realizes what he's about to lose, he loses it anyway, and I hope these comments can be of some use to you. : )
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/taccicity
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:52am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
