I like the underlying idea of the poem. The structure reminds me of Ezra Pound's Hokku form based on the Haiku. Look up In a Station of the Metro, I think that is the title. Your piece sparked an idea in my head that looks like this right now:
You say do some soul-searching
But I wouldn't have to
If you didn't lose it in the first place.
I really like this piece. It reminds me a lot of my piece, "War Hero". The storyline is different, but the feelings are the same. I loved the tone and voice of the story. The terminology of an insane character is always a place to have fun. What really made me fall in love with this was the sad punchline of an ending. The irony in it made it beautiful.
The descriptions are thorough, I know what it looked like out there. There are some minor grammatical errors, such as the lower case "worry." not big deal stuff, just a screening through word should catch it. There is some serious foreshadowing in the whole "things seemed to be looking up" piece. You could be slightly more clear with what happened with the third pitch, possibly. That is where surrealistic dream turns into nightmare, it should be described more thoroughly than other pieces of the story, in my opinion.
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