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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/suavidad
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8 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Premonition  Open in new Window.
Review by Suavidad Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice use of visual analogies. They did a lot to shape the mood of your story.

Your descriptions of emotion were a bit on-the-nose though. I think you'd do well to be less direct with that stuff. For example, rather than starting the severity and names of emotions, you could have described the panic-charged thoughts they manifested as in Joe's mind.
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Review of Ghosium  Open in new Window.
Review by Suavidad Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is quality storytelling. I liked the way you moved the story forward with the baseball through the window. You might not think it's anything special, but I've been struggling to create that kind of conflict in my own writing, so I can appreciate it done well.

I found the moment where the cat spoke a little difficult to parse at first. I understand that you were abiding by 'show don't tell', but I feel like you're putting too much trust in the reader to assume that John would mistake the voice for Alex. Judging by the context - exclamation point, 'shouted', 'Alex and John [both] jumped' - I immediately assumed that it couldn't have been Alex that spoke, and I foolishly expected that John, who I think is the perspective character in this scene, would share that assumption. I think this section would flow better if you could somehow prepare the reader for John's reaction.
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