I really like the set up of the poem. What you dislike about them, what you like about them. I like the flow of it as well. Very well written. I like how at the end you describe them as becoming true human beings, not just "extensions of myself". I can relate to that very well as a mother.
I really liked this story! You did a great job of description and I looked forward to the rest of the story and finding out what would happen next. I think, as a writer that can be hard to do but you really managed to keep me interested. I'm not usually a fan of fairy tales but I thought this one was interesting. You could really turn this into a longer story if you wanted to. A few suggestions on grammar below.
Watch how much you use commas. There are a lot of unnecessary commas in this piece. You may want to look over and end sentences instead of using a comma or just take out the comma altogether. Example--"in this kingdom, the finest wine instead of water flowed in rivers, even the civilians’ clothes were decorated with rubies and jade, and theatres, bridges, public baths were built from smooth luminous marbles". I would take out the comma after the word "rivers" and put a period. I would take out the comma after the word "jade" and put a period and take out the word "and"
Other than the actual grammar, this is a good story for your first short story. I say a job well done!
Beautiful piece! I love the use of the word, "blissful" in this poem. It embodies all of the innocence and purity in a baby. I also really like the ending of it as well. It makes me feel as though I am safe as well. As the parent of daughters, this really speaks volumes. Well done. Only (1) bit of advice. I would most definitely put an "s" on the end of the word, "need". I look forward to reading more of your work!
This essay is a great idea. Fun is needed in everyone's lives, so I love the subject. I like how you compared and contrasted how fun is viewed or used differently by two sets of people: those who are happy and those who are serious. We all have our own ideas how fun is accomplished. There is no one way to go about it as long as we are having fun. Very well written and flows pretty well. I like the ending alot! There are a few suggestions I will make:
1.Second paragraph, "Not only does it help get rid of stress. But, it also helps us maintain good physical and" --I would put a comma between "stress" and "but".
2. Second paragraph, " What does "having fun" mean to individuals." --This is a question and needs to have a question mark at the end of the sentence.
3. Third paragraph, "But as far as serious people are concerned, they have specific things they do for fun"--I would not start a sentence with the word, "But" You can just leave this word out. I think it occurs again in the next paragraph as well.
Those are my suggestions. Keep writing! You do it well! Have fun with it, I know you will.
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