I like a good "dark" poem, and cemeteries as well.
The first stanza is my favorite. I like the idea of
" Haunting beauty" that
"slinks into your mind "
I thought you'd like to know I noticed a small typo:
changine perception
(changing)
Great descriptions in your poem. I liked the way the words gave the sense of a rocking motion, sort of like making the reader feel the rocking of a boat at sea. The intensity of the rhythm of your words made me think of some of A.E. Poe's poems.
I also liked the way you brought "destiny" full circle from the beginning line to the last.
Welcome to W.com! I liked the darkness of your poem. My favorite lines were:
Dreaming and screaming in your brief descrip.
I also liked: And tell me I was dreaming.
Wake me up
End all the screaming.
IMO, the poem would end stronger without the last line: And now.. The dream is over.
It detracts from the message of the rest of the poem. In general, though, I liked your poem.
Hi, Funnyface, how are ya? I enjoyed reading your poem. Here are the things I noticed:
I liked the internal rhyme of a memory of a penny
I had a bit of trouble with
heart, taught, and depart
because I was trying to get heart & taught to rhyme before I realized that the rhymes were meant for heart and depart. I don't know how to write poetry myself, so this may not even matter. But I thought I'd mention it b/c it didn't read easily in my mind at first.
Feelings, like sheer veils
whispering in time's zephyr
That is simply beautiful.
I also liked: echoes of silence.
I noticed you do something I do, which is to use indentations as part of the poem, e.g.:
once was ...
but is no more.
(In my case, it's trying to find a way to get the emotions across on the screen.)
There is a quiet feeling to your poem, a feeling of sadness like the end of summer. I enjoyed reading your poem.
You just say you’re sorry
And you won’t come back
Yes, it's so true...people almost always leave. Then, at last, you find "the one" and life is so much better! (It's what happened to me, anyway.)
I liked these lines:
I’m still breathing
But I’m still bleeding.
I saw no errors in spelling or grammar. I wish you all the best with your writing!
I can certainly relate to this poem! Instead of reading when I can't sleep, I should try writing more.
I liked the play on words with to sleep,
Perchance to scream!
and Wide asleep
I almost missed that the first time around! Sneaky.
Only two suggestions: First, I think "seplechures" is misspelled, but can't say for sure. Secondly, consider using less exclamation points. Most books I read on writing (and I read a lot) say that overuse of exclamation points should be avoided, for several reasons.
Welcome to W.com! Hope you like it here.
Cordially,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** reminding you to check "Under the Bed" at night
All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.
~ Edgar Allan Poe
P.S.
Here are some of my favorite books on writing:
This is a powerful vignette. I loved the intensity, and the way you made "they're burning her today" stand out. Of course, as soon as I read that, I knew where we were. (I'm originally from Mass.) This part of history has always held fascination for me.
In such a short piece, you really captured the "I" character. What I liked best about his characterization was how you showed us
Instead, they're driving me insane. I've been sitting here, in the bushes near the clearing for hours. Waiting. Thinking.
I could see/feel his tears at the end. Well done.
Cordially,
Starr* R reminding you to check "Under the Bed" at night
Very nice! Clear images and I just got a beautiful feeling when I read your poem. (Maybe cuz I moved to Fla. from New England and really miss the colors of Autumn.) I loved that you used both sight and sound in your poem.
Often even the final plot and theme barely resemble what we originally intended...
This is so true!
it is my opinion that conflict should be considered a particular element all its own and not just subsumed by plot.
An excellent point. I agree.
Make the conflict appealing by revealing, through characterization and narration, what the basis for the struggle actually is.
Very poetic!
You've given some great advice here. I'm taking notes.
I loved the last line of your article! I see no grammar or other errors. Well done, T.S. I'm going to suggest this article for the For Authors newsletter. Maybe they'll like it too.
Cordially,
Starr* R reminding you to check "Under the Bed" at night
Great opening sentence! My kid is crazy over zombies. The gang is always meeting at different houses, killing off zombies in different versions of the games! Cracks me up.
Anyway, this was a good concept in the zombie universe. One thing I'd suggest you watch out for, though: you have a tendancy for run-on sentences. Run-ons make it harder reading. For example:
Bran needed his flock of humans, without them he'd starve. He'd become fond of these humans, they have been good to him supplying him with a blood doll in return for leaving the rest of them alone. It was a good arrangement, he was given the blood he needed and he protected them from the zombies.
Suggestions:
Bran needed his flock of humans; without them he'd starve. He'd become fond of these humans. They have been good to him[,] supplying him with a blood doll in return for leaving the rest of them alone. It was a good arrangement. He was given the blood he needed and he protected them from the zombies.
I loved this line:
Tuxedoed and groomed to a sharp, deadly tee
I almost didn't click on this, because I'm not a 007 fan. But your Brief Descrip drew me in, and I'm glad, cuz this was a "deadly" funny poem. Very nice. I'm recommending this for the "Comedy" newsletter. Maybe they'll like it too!
This is a sweet story. You have a way with description, such as these nice lines: Their hands touched several times and little shocks seemed to go through Winnie. It was a new sensation.
Just a note about formatting: each person that speaks should have their own paragraph. For instance:
She had tried putting her dark blonde hair up with combs and he noticed.
"Your hair looks awesome." .
"Really?"
"Yeah, makes you look like Hillary Duff in that one movie. She is so hot!"
Also, to make your story easier to read online, there should be a double space between each paragraph, too. Example:
Everyone was taking their picture.
As part of the special, Esther shopped with a designer for clothes. Then she was treated to a spa for “The Works”; massage, manicure, pedicure, hair cut, style and coloring. She was told a chest of makeup was hers to take home. They treated Winnie also.
After this transformation, Esther walked elegantly[,] holding her head up and shoulders back.
She sparkled, like the angel at the top of a magnificent Christmas tree. She was more beautiful than any movie star, her eyes dancing with happiness.
Hey there, my fellow dark writer. I saw your post at "Horror Luvrs "R" We the forum" and decided to stop by. Glad I did, cuz I enjoyed your story.
I have a couple suggestions; feel free to use the ones you like and ignore the rest.
things Hailey had never seen before and hoped never to see again.
* Here is the dreaded "telling instead of showing." Try describing what Hailey saw; readers want to know this stuff. Reach for concrete images. (Strunk & White, rule #16). Most of your descriptions are vivid, so I'm sure you'll be able to fix this one easily.
Consider using fewer exclamation points. In "Self-editing for Fiction Writers," they say: "Exclamation points should be reserved for moments when a character is physically shouting. When you use them too frequently, you begin to look as if you're trying to infuse your narration with an excitement it lacks. Dialogue & description should convey all the emotion needed. This also makes the author's voice seem more confident."
I loved what you did with the Sirens; the play on words, both literal and metaphoric. Your dialogue is very good. I could almost see those characters talking.
And these are my favorite lines: She hoped their wings didn't work.
Hailey also hoped that Harry stopped to get her down soon, because the ride up here sucked.
Made me laugh!
Hi, this is a beautiful poem. I've submitted it to the WDC Poetry newsletter for consideration. I'm hoping that they'll use it, cuz this poem deserves recognition,and I'm sorry to see that I'm the first to review it.
I thought your imagery and descriptions were very well done. I could see the places you describe quite clearly! I especially liked the last three lines of your poem. I wish you all the best in your writing. I'm putting this on Public Reviews, in hopes of getting more views/reviews for your work.
This looks very ambitious! I'm glad you have participation. This sort of contest is not for me, but I saw your post at the Preferred Authors' forum, so I thought I'd come over, check it out, give you some support. Writers have to support each other, after all!
This is very colorful and inviting. The rules are clearly stated, and I like that you gave so much extra info to help everyone get it right when they do things like tags and how to post correctly. I can see you spent a lot of time on this. I hope you get more entrants, and I wish you all the best. Oh! Here's a thought: you are welcome to post this at "Invalid Item" .
First of all, the title intrigued me, so I had to check it out. That's when I saw this was written by your son. How cool, that your child writes too. My teen is a good writer, but she doesn't think so, and doesn't enjoy it! A disappointment, but maybe she'll change her mind.
Anyway, time to talk about your son's story! He jumped into the action right away. I don't normally read war stories, so the fact that it got me immediately interested is a plus.
I liked how he kept us tense by repeating his character's thoughts: I knew in the next ten seconds I was going to die.
we knew in the next five seconds we were going to die.
I wished he'd done the same sort of thing with At the last two seconds, I screamed into the sky , for example:
In the last two seconds as I thought I would die, I screamed...
Of course, then you have to deal with the unintentional rhyme of sky and die, so... Well, that's why it has to be up to him, the writer, not me!
Little things, if he's interested:
"You've broken three ribs and both of your legs are broken."
* Repetition. Suggest:
"You've broken three ribs and both of your legs."
1. The impact of the truck made me go back seventy-five yards.
2. You were flung seventy-five yards out of the humvee.
* Repetition. Suggest leaving out the first line, keeping the second. This helps to draw out suspense/interest.
Now, I know I seem to be contradicting myself a bit here, but the difference is, in the first set of repeating lines, "I knew in the next ten/five seconds..." it's being done consciously for effect.
but fear off balanced my shots.
* This sentence is a bit awkward. If he keeps it, " off balanced" is spelled with a hyphen: off-balanced.
The ending sentence was very sweet. Made me smile. Your son has a way of creating great visuals with his words. I hope he continues to write!
My favorite lines are these: The mixture of her daughter’s giggles and breathing in nature’s fresh air seemed to inspire her. She felt in that moment that God would provide her with the right words, that she was not alone.
They're inspirational without being overly sentimental. I love the way this flash fic turns around our expectations as it shows what love in a family can do.
I liked your poem because of the contrast between what he means to her, that is, what he stands for, and what she's going thru. You show her disdain and her poor circumstances both at the same time. Nicely done.
"Staring her right in the face" -- you've described that well.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Cordially,
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