Review of BScholl’s Expectations and Ruses
By Soloscript for Show, Don’t Tell Contest
General Comments
Your story was creative and clever. I thought you did an excellent job with the prompts and with “showing” throughout the scene. Your story was very well-written and a pleasure to read. The surprise ending was like the cherry on top of a delicious sundae!
Your writing is concise and tight. I applaud your creative verb choices! They added depth and vividness to the scene. Here are just a few examples:
“The man next to her pushed a furtive smile toward her."
“Sorry, he squeaked…”
Ruby flipped the bloody tissue in a trash receptacle…”
“Silence!” the man shot from his chair and wagged a deformed hand at her.”
I was also impressed with images you created with few words, such as:
“They seemed pack-like intent on scrambling into the building.”
“…a staggering deluge of hot, moist air struck her face”
“He pulled the door shut and a soft thump filled the quiet room.”
“A bizarre picture of a swamp with an equally bizarre white bird with huge wings drifted in painted stillness…”
If pressed, the only improvement I could suggest would be to better develop Ruby as a unique character with a unique voice. You used third-person limited POV, but the narrator seemed a little too aloof and the perspective too distant for the reader to really understand and care about Ruby. Maybe a little more backstory would help with this. Or perhaps some hints into Ruby’s flaws, struggles, or unique personality. If space is a problem for purposes of the contest, you could cut some of the interesting, but less important descriptions—such as the trash and cup swirling in the street, or even Ruby’s cut elbow since a broken heel accomplishes the same thing, really.
Contest Criteria
Are 25 Elements Shown?
You did an excellent job of “showing” all the elements.
Are Five Senses Used?
You wove all five senses into the scene.
Are Characters, Setting & Events Shown?
You very effectively “showed” characters, setting and events. I only noticed one instance of possible “telling”: “Ruby’s anxiety swelled.”
Do Descriptions Enhance Point of View?
In general, your descriptions enhanced the point of view.
Originality and Creativity
Your story was both original and creative, especially given the constraints of the 25-element scenario!
Writing Basics
Grammar: I noticed few errors. I think you meant “rifled” instead of “riffled through her purse.” At times I wondered about punctuation. For example, the sentences “They seemed pack-like intent on scrambling into the building,” “It’s now or never even if I am ten minutes late” and “You aren’t human are you?” seem to need commas after “pack-like,” “never,” and “human.”
Dialogue: Characters have their own voice and interact realistically.
Staging: You showed where the characters were in relation to each other and the setting.
Congrats on winning! I enjoyed reading the story you created using a very challenging prompt. It was easy to relate to Jo and her party-fatigue. Nice job!
Congrats on winning this constest. This story held my attention well. Vivid descriptions. The tortured soul's twisted thoughts seemed believable. I liked the way you wove in his alcohlism. I wasn't sure about the knife, though. You did a great job of using the vocabulary--not easy. Nice job!
Cheryl
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Very well done! Bravo! 
Soloscript