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15 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This has the makings of an interesting story, but at the moment I think it's a little too short - I think we need to spend more time with this thing to really engage with it. On the other hand, since it's not going to be having any conversations with the crew members, the whole thing is necessarily done in exposition and action, so you don't want to make it too long either.

Here are a couple of my own suggestions:

Spend mire time introducing the creature by exploring its senses in depth. The fact that it can't see very well came a little too late for me. It clearly depends primarily on it's sense of smell, and maybe of touch. Really delving into these senses would give the reader a much more visceral feel for this alien creature.

I was a little surprised at the end that it died so easily, given the setup - the humans are terrified of it. If it's such a wimp, wouldn't they just have organized search parties, hunted it down, and destroyed it? So maybe it's fragile, in the sense of easily killed, but what other characteristics does it have that make it so dangerous? Speed & agility? The ability to bend light / become difficult to see (except when it feeds?)? I think you need a little more work to join the concepts of the dangerous alien with the can-be-killed-with-a-knife alien.

One other small point: unless the creature is some sort of transformed human, I think maybe you're anthropomorphizing him a bit too much. Calling him HIM for a start - might be better if he referred to himself as an IT. Maybe not. The references to "flesh tearing like tissue paper" and the "painful gnawing at his stomach", though, do make it seem that the creature has human memories. Rewriting these references would perhaps help to make the thing feel more alien.

I like the piece, but would like to see it expanded to maybe double the length, with more depth of exploration.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review. Hope this is of some use.
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Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sara

This is great - looks like you've really got something here. It reads almost as good as published material. Here are a few thoughts:

I think "A Cure for Immortality" is a much more engaging title than "Millennium Potion" - I presume the latter is a working title?

I think the opening block of exposition is too long, and you're trying to get too much information across. I can see that you're building Athenais's character, building atmosphere in the bar, and providing historical context - but it goes on for 1250 words, which is just too much of a stretch for the reader at the beginning. Better maybe to leave some of this information till later where we can learn it through action and dialogue. One thing that might strengthen the opening is if the three colonists came in much earlier (after, say 400 words, rather than 1200) and maybe even sat with Athenais earlier, so some of the info could be brought out during the conversation. The fact is that we'll learn all about this stuff as the book develops (that's part of the fun of SF, right) so once we, as readers, get a really engaging opening, we'll follow you to the rest. So Athenais's rebellious nature doesn't have to be deeply explored in the first 1200, and the historical context only alluded to. Just a thought.

I felt there was something just a little "off" during parts of the conversation. I wasn't always able to easily follow who was speaking among the colonists. Both Paul and Athenais seemed, at times, to be displaying incongruent emotions from one paragraph to the next. For example, a couple of lines after calling her "human scum", the shifter gives Athenais a "sly grin" - that seems incongruous to me. A few lines later, Paul is bristling. A little later he's calling her "a woman so lovely" then lowering his eyes at her glare. I assume Paul has two majorly conflicting emotions going on throughout this - hatred of the humans who exterminated his race balanced against need to get Athenais to join him in his plan. Since we're viewing all this from Athenais's perspective, we only see the behavioural (words, tone of voice, gestures) results of this conflict. However, I'd like to see more consistency in Paul's reactions - at the moment, the internal conflict (if indeed I've picked it up correctly) isn't captured as strongly as it might be. (Athenais bounces around a bit too, but I get the impression this may be deliberate, as if she's slightly insane?)

Last point is really minor: character names. Paul, Morgan, and Stuart? Seems a bit pedestrian for the far future, no?

Overall, I really like what you've set up here. The main character is quirky / crazy and interesting, the implied history is solid SF stuff, and the setup could lead to lots of interesting places. Can I suggest in the rewrite that you tighten the opening, cut way back on the exposition, and rework the action / gestures etc. around the dialogue a little to more clearly bring out what might be going on with Paul.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review.
3
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Review of Crackpot  Open in new Window.
Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I enjoyed this story very much - it reminded me that SF can be very effective even when based on a simple premise. There are a few suggestions I'd like to make that might be worth your while considering.

Overall the writing is pretty solid. At points, however, I feel you lose your focus on the point of view character (POV). We're in Cogmeyer's head from the very beginning, looking at the story unfold through his eyes, as it were. This POV gives a continuity to the story; the reader generally isn't even aware of it consciously, unless you do something to disrupt it. Here's a paragraph from the early part of the story:

"What Krahn saw was a young man who made no attempt to follow the current trends. Cogmeyer was wearing brown corduroy pants and a tan tweed jacket over a knit vest with a bright blue and green argyle pattern that had gone out of fashion before he was born. He had unruly reddish brown hair and glasses with bulky black plastic frames."

This paragraph subtly changes the POV to Krahn, and attributes the judgement about Cogmeyer's attire to Krahn. I think it would be much stronger if you stayed inside your protagonist's head, e.g.: "He could imaging what Krahn must have seen ... "

You do something similar near the end, when Doloris is leaving: "Doloris shook her head. "No, that's very kind, but I don't belong here any more." She started to leave, then realized she had no idea which way to go." Here you've slipped into Doloris's head, telling us about her realization. Better to stay with Cogmeyer, e.g.: "She turned to leave then stopped, looking confused, as if she'd just realized ..."

My second suggestion relates to the naming of the characters - nothing wrong with the names used, but I feel you overdo the Izzy/Ozzy counterpoint, and it weakens those sections. Sure, it's a nice quirky touch to have the guy called Ozzy and the sister Izzy, but when you overdo it, it becomes a distraction for the reader. They're brother and sister, so they wouldn't continually use each other's names in general conversation. Suggestion: prune this back a little.

Third suggestion relates to the ending - sorry, but I feel something better is needed. I just can't make sense of Ozzy's reasons for going for with the plate repairing prize when he could go for the bigger one. WHY was he "not sure that was something he really wanted."? From my (reader's) perspective, you haven't justified this attitude at all in the preceding 7500 words of the story, and you really need to. This is my biggest quibble with the story itself (the previous two points being more at the technical / writing level).

I hope these points are of some use to you. Let me know if you make any changes to it - I'd be happy to have an excuse to read it again.
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Review of Memory Lapse  Open in new Window.
Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Lovely little story.

The only criticism I have is that spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure need a bit of work. Use of commas, in particular, is erratic. For instance, in the first sentence, you need a comma after "cruiser The Dierden"; in the second sentence, you don't need a comma in "small, metal room". In the sentence: " And worse his captors knew it, that had been ..." you shouldn't use a comma. Your options are a dash, a colon, or a new sentence.

These may sound like small technical details, but they're worth the trouble to learn for someone who can write a good story like this one.
5
5
Review of Alive  Open in new Window.
Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Athena

I've only read Chapter 1 (time's tight), but if you don't mind, I'll comment on on that. First off, it's pretty good - you can definitely write, and you don't have to be worried about being rusty in the fiction department. I'd call it a pretty good start. Below is some constructive criticism - points you might like to take on board for the next draft, or to experiment with and see where they get you.

You open with three pretty chunky paragraphs of narrative that provide a good deal of background to the "world" of the story, then a very short piece of dialogue between the protagonist and Jim, his boss. I know you want to introduce the "world" as quickly as possible, but can I suggest that narrative isn't necessarily the best way to do it - at least not all of it. Narrative has its uses, but it also has a big downside: without action and characterisation, narrative generally isn't very engaging for the reader. The trick is to cut back on the narrative and use dialogue to introduce some of the same information, but in a much more interesting way. For instance, rather than having Luca walk right back into his apartment you might have him talk briefly to a TC technician (or someone) who happens to be in the vicinity. You could use this to tell the reader about the TC, the racket, the seven times down this month. Additionally, you can show Luca's frustration and maybe, through the technician, the company's corporate, couldn't-give-a-toss attitude. And the reader will enjoy it more, too. Alternatively, you could lengthen the phone conversation with Jim and cover some of the info there (subway better than TC, etc.), though your freedom to do this might depend on the type of relationship you want to show between these two characters.

Save the narrative for the background to driving in the city - most people don't have authorization to drive, etc. - it'd be much harder to introduce this in dialogue, since presumably everyone who lives in the city already knows it.

I'll leave it at that for the moment, but look forward to seeing what you do with this.
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Review by skafloc Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Hi Law

I love fantasy, and you've certainly developed a complex world here. I know from experience how difficult it is to get started on a project this big - CHAPTER ONE looks like a mountain looming up before you.

What you've written here strikes me almost as your attempt to get ideas straight in your own head, but it would be problematic as an actual first chapter. My main concern is that it's almost entirely narrative, mostly telling us what people are doing and the contexts in which they're doing it. There's a sort of rule in writing of called "show, don't tell". The problem with blocks of narrative is that they quickly wear out the reader and overload his capacity to take in the story. This is why it's usually more effective to "show" us what's happening by interweaving some narrative with dialogue and plenty of action.

As an example here, your first few paragraphs might be made to work as narrative, given that they're introducing a scene. For me, the problems really begin with the third sentence of the third paragraph: "One of the first to be colonised, Aven town had a long history". Up to this point, I was happy enough to go along with Brienna. But here is where YOU started talking, giving us a potted history of Aven and interrupting the flow. The rule of "show, don't tell" would suggest a different way of doing this: Have Brienna run into someone, and explore the things you want to say in dialogue. Let two or more characters speak, and let the reader learn about what's happening and what he needs to know by "listening in" on the conversation. Grab any decent fantasy novel off your shelves and read the first few pages. I'm willing to bet that characters will be talking about stuff from pretty early on.

All this said, please don't be disheartened. I'm working on a novel myself, and still refining the first chapter, so i know what this feels like. My first efforts were real stinkers! What I'd love to see here, if you'd be willing, is a rewrite of the first section (down to where Brienna reviews her plans) where you experiment with interweaving small amounts of narrative, plenty of dialogue, and some action (action being things happening - it doesn't have to be high drama). If you do this, you'll probably find that the first section expands quite a bit, and you'll also get to know Brienna and any other characters you insert into it a whole lot better.

Let me know how it pans out.
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