I love the unique imagery and word choice! I think that you skillfully developed the extended metaphor through the whole poem, without any cliques or needless repetition. The one critique I have for you is that I'm not completely certain what it is you are describing. It seems to be snow drifts. If it is a conscious decision to keep your reader in a bit of suspense, then good work- it made me want to continue reading to discover it, and also required me to read it a few times. However, if you were trying to be a little more explicit, you could hint a bit more directly. Thanks for the enjoyable read!
The first thing I noticed in your piece is that the speaker is a child, and this was reinforced with the short sentence length and the simplistic diction. Excellent development with this. However, if you sustain the same sentence length and structure throughout the entire piece, it can become distracting and exhausting. A suggestion that I have for you is to keep the short length in the beginning and on particularly poignant sentences, but combine others to vary the length. With that, divide your piece into smaller paragraphs. It's not that hard to do, and it makes it easier for the reader, and can sometimes be more powerful if you end or begin with a particularly powerful sentence.
I really like your ideas, plot, and characters. The one thing that I felt was missing was concrete descriptions. Kids are often super concerned with things and appearances, and descriptions could make your scenes really powerful. For example, "mom's special juice" doesn't deceive the speaker, so show what this looks like through the speaker's eyes. This will also help the audience better understand the speaker and her feelings toward the situation. The garden and the butterflies could be a wonderful opportunity for some awesome imagery. I also like that you didn't include many cliches. It makes your work feel more original and unique to your own voice because you are able to find your own way to portray your thoughts!
I really do love the ideas and themes here. You have very interesting ideas! This is the kind of fiction that I enjoy reading and that I write myself: the human experience. This has great potential to be continued into a longer story if you felt so inclined.
Thanks for the opportunity to review your work! I know what it's like to be a brand-new writer, and kudos to you for taking the step! It's scary sometimes! Keep writing, and I would be more than happy to give you further feedback or answer questions, if you need it. Good luck!
This was an interesting and surprising read. I enjoyed the unique approach of writing from the perspective of Mary Magdalene. I was also intrigued by the way you divided it into ethos and pathos. I am curious as to why you didn't approach logos, and I think that it would be an interesting experiment if you were so inclined. I also think that it could be interesting to fuse the two sections together in some way, maybe to satisfy an overarching theme or argument you are trying to make. If you are writing this from a creative angle, it could also be useful to infuse dialect from the Bible/the time. Just considerations for different directions you could take it.
Very unique and creative! Thanks for the enjoyable read!
I'm really happy that I stopped to read your work! I usually shy away from romance personally, but I thought your piece was really original. You seem to be a very thoughtful and controlled writer. I also appreciated your comment about cliches, because they irritate me personally, but I honestly don't think it is an issue in your writing. The only one I noticed was "heart beating out of my chest" and "quiet as a mouse", and it's hard to completely eliminate them. I have the same problem.
I do enjoy the beginning paragraphs, I just think that maybe they would be more effective in a different place, maybe as a flashback after the ER scene? Just a thought. I personally like introductions that just throw the audience into the action.
I really did like your dialogue. I think it is balanced well with plot and internal dialogue.
You have a really good start here. Keep with it! I also know how difficult it is to actually finish something. :) Good luck!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work. I really enjoyed the hybrid feel of this piece, part essay, part fiction. It is a topic I also feel strongly about and I think you approached it beautifully. Your good images and word choice successfully evoke emotion from the audience, which makes your essay(?) gripping and effective in the conclusion. I really loved the word choice. You presented feelings and images in an original way, which also contributes to the success of it. One minor thing to consider though: you only refer to the character as "she". You could give her a name, or you could increase the ambiguity (which I think is already successful in evoking the emotion of the reader) by avoiding a gender and saying only "they", or even "you". Just a minor suggestion, and really, it's already great the way it is. I sincerely hope you pursue trying to publish this, if you find a venue and feel comfortable.
I really enjoy the subject of you piece. Its very intriguing. A few things to consider though: The dialogue seems a little choppy and hard to understand, probably because of the lack of punctuation. If those aren't purposeful mistakes, I would consider revising them. I really like the mix of plot, dialogue, and internal dialogue. I think that if you included Clef's thoughts and internal dialogue among the scenes with the other characters, it would have a very powerful effect with your reader. I like the direction and conflict of this story, and I would love to see where it goes if you continue it. Great job and good luck!
I really loved reading your piece. It was fun, but also interesting and enlightening. And deeply thoughtful. I thought your descriptions were very strong, and I liked the way you related descriptions of an event to your thoughts. I think that your writing-both the description in the first part, and the discussion- is very strong, and has appropriate tone and word choice. One small piece of advice that I have for you is to try to find more powerful words. There are a few places where a more powerful word could be used and it would make your point much stronger. For example, "I could hardly contain my excitement" feels slightly like a cliche, and maybe using different words to describe this would illustrate the image better.
As a writer who has trouble brainstorming ideas, I really like the idea and direction of your piece. Fun and interesting! I also love starting the piece with the letter. It gave me a lot of interest to keep reading! One thing that I think you could do to give the reader more of an impact is having more descriptions. Your story moves through dialogue and plot mostly, which is something I have trouble with, so kudos! However, I think putting some strong descriptions or more developed descriptions could make your story powerful. For example, at the very beginning of the piece you talk about a rock. Here is a great place you could create a great specific picture of the rock.
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