What a fun story. I thought it was amusing, well organized and easy to follow. The story made me smile. I think many readers will relate to the experience.
The story had all the requirements of flash fiction (A main character, a setting, a conflict and a resolution). In this case, the resolution was more understood or imagined, but it worked very well.
I also noticed no spelling or grammatical errors when I read the piece.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps you could include some additional sensory details to enhance the experience. I've highlighted some opportunities below.
I realize this can be difficult to do in a short amount of time, but I hope my review might help in some way.
...
A dark skinned girl, Asia, eyed them with disgust. Turning to Kathy, she raised an eyebrow."What're we going to do with the spies?" ...
(What does eyed them with disgust look or feel like?)
...
P.J gulped as Asia handed his sister the makeup kit, sharing a knowing look with her. Smirking, Kathy peeled the makeup kit open and pulled out some blush....
Same thing as above - what does a "knowing look" look or feel like? (wrinkled nose?)
I enjoyed your short story "Lost and Found" based on the prompt for the writer's cramp. I thought you did a great job of incorporating the prompts, following the guidelines for the rules, and structuring the work as a short story.
I thought the work was organized, the timeline worked, and I could easily follow what was occurring.
Perhaps the work would have been stronger if the conflict and resolution were more pronounced. It might also help to remove any near cliches - although I understood the effect this had of indicating that language was insufficient for the encounter. This one in particular jumped out at me a bit: grace exuding from her pores, flowing to the ground beautifully.
What exactly does that look like? Can you concretize the image?
Are there areas where you can add sensory detail to more closely connect the reader to the experience?
Also - I noticed no grammatical or spelling errors during my read.
I like how his thoughts almost read like a poem.
Keep up the good work and good luck with the contest!
I thought this short story was highly imaginative, well organized, and interesting. I noticed no grammatical errors.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps the ending could be a little stronger. It felt a tad bit out of balance. However, given the time constraints, this is very understandable.
I think there might be a spelling issue here:
but it flitters away like dvu and it's gone with the wind
I found this piece because you stopped by and commented on my blog.
I wanted to return the favor, but only found one piece open for public viewing.
What I liked best:
The title was interesting and intriguing.
The piece was high in sensory detail, which is great and helps the reader to identify with the main character.
There was a lot of emotional content. We know what our reader is feeling emotionally.
It was logically organized in a chronological order. There were no misspellings that I noticed.
There is a strong voice in the piece.
Suggestions for improvement:
The first five paragraphs seem to be heavy on back story.
Next, many of the paragraphs have a leading sentence that begins with "I." Is there a way to rearrange the sentence to improve the flow?
It might help to cut some of the internal dialogue.
Also - I found myself wondering what this chapter would read like if it was not written in first person.
Finally, it might help to consider what details included in this piece are essential. Would trimming out unnecessary details improve the pace of the story?
I hope these things are helpful.
Not related to the review, but a question for you - I was curious - what is is this character's name?
I found your piece "My Favorite Sin" on the read a newbie page.
First, I want to say welcome to WDC!
Next, I wanted to mention you might want to change the item "sub-type" for this piece to "poetry." That will make it easier to find for those looking specifically for poetry pieces. It took me forever to figure that out, and when people would visit my port specifically looking for poems, everything was marked as "other."
On to my review!
I really liked the lyrical feel of the poem. The meter and rhyme enhanced the strength of the rhythm. It had an almost song like feel to it.
Content wise, I thought the poem did a really good job of pulling the reader in to the first verse. The author used the imagery of a woman's curvy body as the initial hook, then turned up the heat by mentioning the woman was married. Now, the reader wants to know more!
In the second and third verse, the poet set up a bit more narrative, telling the reader more about history of the relationship, and increases the tension by mentioning a child.
I really liked the escalation in the fourth verse. The tension ratchets up here and in the next verse, where the poet hints that there are even more (dark) intriguing things contained within the relationship.
In verses five and six, 'darkness' is mentioned, but I wondered if it might be better to give an example instead of just hinting around, or find another way to rephrase the mysterious darkness.
Poetry tends to be stronger when the poet avoids re-using any words, phrases or meaning in the piece. "I know the darkest things she can imagine/Yes I know the darkness that lives in her soul" feel like a repeat of the same thing. Could one of these be replaced with another line that enhances the experience for the reader? Perhaps something with some strong sensory detail?
In the final verse, i think there is a small typo "angle" should be "angel."
Anyway - NICE job. I liked the piece. The tight rhythm and end rhymes will keep me thinking about it for some time.
I enjoyed the way this was written, in the personal narrative form. I felt very comfortable with it, like the writer could be a member of my family.
The explanation of events was well organized, and the details in the time line was just right (not too much, not to little). I didn't notice any glaring spelling or grammatical errors.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps the piece would read easier if there were line breaks after each paragraph.
Also - as a reader I wondered what "slightly crippled" meant. I wonder if you could clarify that for the reader.
Finally - maybe you could add more sensory detail to enhance the experience for the reader. What did it smell like in the museum? Or in the back of the cab? Did the driver sneer? You get the general idea. Also - maybe adding some dialogue between the writer and the sister would be fun.
Keep up the good work, and thank you for sharing your travel piece!
This story was HILARIOUS! I got in trouble again for laughing at work. You are going to get me so fired. I loved this story - and it certainly read like a winner to me!
I LOVE the off the wall details (like the Irish Spring in the tube sock).
Your voice comes through so clearly. I admire that - keep up the good work!
I'm going to be thinking about this story off and on this afternoon - and SMILING because of it. Thank you for writing it!
Excellent job in a limited time frame. I don't think I could have done as well in 24 hours.
Now on to the picky stuff.
If I had to suggest something for improvement: I know the prompt was "from the back of the truck" as the start of the first line, but yuck. What a hard thing to work with. Now that the contest is over you could always change it up.
ref/This part of one sentence: "rolled his massiveness out of the truck." Is there a way to enhance the imagery and the sensory experience for the reader by using a metaphor and/or other description? "the truck bed seemed to give and bow beneath Jumbo's weight as he rolled out" or "rolled out like the Michelin man" or something?
Next - there are three or four occurrences of the word "stupid" in short succession. Since this is such a short story, maybe eliminating one or two or changing one instance of the word to something else (i.e., idiot) might be helpful. If you click on "word count" it will show you what words in your story have been used the most, and you can sometimes use that as a tool to eliminate some.
I hope these tips help, and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :)
This is a return review. I saw this was a new piece with no reviews, so I decided to have a look.
I enjoyed the story. I was wondering if you might classify it as something other than the "other" category to help the reader discern a bit more information? Is it a short story, or perhaps a biographical piece?
I wanted to let you know I enjoyed the story. I felt it relayed a first hand experience that other writers could relate to. Good job on writing for an audience!
Also - I didn't notice any spelling errors, and the piece had a logical flow. It also had all the elements of a good story - introduction, a setting, two characters, a conflict and a resolution. Excellent!
Suggestions for improvement: There were a few places were I had a bit of trouble following the timeline and/or who was speaking. The piece might benefit from a detailed edit and a tiny bit of reorganization.
Also - I was curious a bit about the environment. What did Mr. Browl look like? Did he have bushy eyebrows? Did he smell like a certain aftershave? What did his voice sound like? What was it like in the office the two men shared? Are there sensory details that might enhance the story for the reader? I was curious about these things and I hope you will add them.
Thank you again for sharing your work, and please keep writing.
Welcome to WDC! I found your story by searching the "read a newbie" function.
What a great start! I enjoyed the feel of the piece, and thank you for posting it.
My favorite part of the story was your attention to detail. I could really see a lot of what you were describing. You also seem to have done your research, and have a bit of expertise in the area.
Also - I noticed no spelling errors.
I think this one sentence might need to be "passed": Wasn’t needed anyway as that train never stopped here, it just rattled the ground as it came near and pasted away.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I wondered what happened to Frederic and Mary? The story seemed to kind of start with them but then they were abandoned.
Also - I wondered what would happen if the first paragraph was deleted. Do you think the story might have more of a hook?
This is a return review. This is a great story! The title was appropriate and fitting. Was this story for a contest? If so, what were the contest prompts/restrictions? Do you have future plans for this piece?
I thought the short description was especially intriguing, and that is why I picked the story. I really liked the explanation of the cicada man towards the end of the narrative. It made me feel the author was good at tying up the loose ends and offering resolution. The narrative voice was honest and intriguing.
As an author, I thought the use of perspective was challenging and interesting.
Subject wise - I thought this story showed great humanity. I enjoyed how it was insightful in the way it displayed the human condition. I also enjoyed the author kind of poking fun at himself and showing an appreciation for irony. I thought this story was courageously revealing.
I noticed no grammatical or spelling errors.
There were a couple of minor things that I thought could maybe use a second look.
First, I wondered if it might improve the piece if there was a tiny bit of reorganization of a few of the sentences. Several sentences (and paragraphs) start with "I (verb)."
I wonder if it might be helpful to mix those up a bit more. For instance, in the second paragraph, the sentence starts "I am hungry." What would happen if instead of announcing that, the author choose to use sensory detail to describe the state? Something along the lines of "My stomach __________ ."
I have one more example below, but here I had to debate. The rhythm and the structure of the sentence seems to reinforce the feeling the MC is experiencing. The poet in me liked that part. But I thought perhaps I would highlight it as an example so you can judge if that is an important enough factor, or if you would prefer to change it to read less like a list.
" I order. I wait. The waitress leaves, as does the bartender. I am alone. My food comes. I begin to eat. I do not feel like it is a treat. I am sad. I eat it mechanically."
Next, I wasn't certain about the importance of "Rocky" on the TV and the byplay with the restaurant staff. I have an idea why it was used but rather than offer them up, I wanted to hear more about that paragraph from you. I was wondering if you might explain to me why it was important to the story. I ask for this because I can be dense, and sometimes need things broken down for me.
Anyway - I really enjoyed the read.
Thank you for sharing it with me. I'm very glad I had the chance to read several items on your port. You have great voice and are very honest in your writing. I wish I could do a better job at both, you have inspired me.
I enjoyed your short poem, The Nightmare. I found it when it flashed on the new items part of "The Hub."
I think this was a very interesting perspective, and an imaginative way to relay the subject.
Question - I didn't understand the short explanation about the .wav file, I guess I am being slow today. I think you mean that you woke up and created an audio of the poem?
I enjoyed the rhythm and the rhyme. I can't write rhyming poetry and admire anyone that can.
I think it was interesting that this personified death as a 'friend.'
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps in the third stanza, where louder is used twice, you might find another word. I had a bit of a hard time picturing the sensory "louder than hell." Perhaps there is another way to relay this?
Keep writing and thank you so much for sharing your perspective.
This is a wonderful story. I enjoyed the feeling of 'coming of age' as well as the numerous important lessons that this story relates. I think it has great character development, flavor, and a sense of time. I was able to feel empathy and kinship for the family and the situation. I was able to see that Shorty was a very special dog. I got a feeling that I wish I had known him. Luckily, your story allowed me to know him in another way. I think this story had great heart.
I think the story is well organized and follows a logical sequence. I didn't get lost and have to backtrack at all.
The story had a well defined theme.
The story flowed well and had great pace. The story was compelling, and I had no trouble maintaining my interest in "what happened next."
I did not notice any grammatical or spelling errors.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, there might be some minor ways to improve the flow. Perhaps go through the story and eliminate anything that the reader doesn't have to know. Take out anything that doesn't immediately move the story forward or develop the characters of those in the story. Although I kind of enjoy the breathers and additional information, it might improve the story to take extra information out. If you don't like it, you can always put the added details back in.
This is great - keep it up! I enjoy the unique flavor your stories. They make me feel at home.
I loved it. You have an incredible gift for the short story. I hope you realize just how much of one. And I'm not just saying that.
I really liked how the character was developed, and how the instant with the flower lead to a specific moment of self actualization that gave us hope for the Jenny. I liked how the character's background was fully developed.
The piece was in a logical sequence and flowed well. It read easily, and held my attention all the way through.
I also loved that you tucked a poem in it. If I could I'd give it a great big gold star. Love love love!
If I had to suggest something for improvement, and I do mean someone would have to be holding my feet to the fire, maybe this one sentence could use a going over with a microscope.
Her face's scowl mixed with body language Muhammed Ali would find intimidating assured people wouldn’t bother her.
I wouldn't even worry about it, but it's in the first paragraph. Is there a way to shore it up and make it flow better? I'm fighting a headache so my creative well is empty, but that was the only thing I found that struck me as even a possibility as needing 'a once over.'
My favorite part were the vein imagery, and the line "I think I even saw a little ghost-child in the cards you left on the table." GORGEOUS.
I was a little confused if this was about an actual person, or perhaps an addiction. Forgive me if I'm a little muddled, it's three in the morning here.
If I had to suggest something for improvement:
"half-assed" is listed twice, very close together. "awkward" is used the same way. This may be a poetic device, and intended, but I wondered if there might be a way to rephrase one of them to bring in a stronger image. "Half hug" or "saggy handshake" or something? It might make the imagery stronger. I have a hard time picturing "half assed."
"Awkward words" Seem to indicate conversation not on the page, 'filler' not remembered, or not important, but uncomfortable. This gives the reader a good sense of what's going on. Is this what you intended?
I got a little lost with "so and so mentioned your illness"
Who was speaking here? Who were they speaking about? (It seemed to me Three characters appear in this piece, narrator, the lost love, and the new love).
Welcome to WDC! I found your piece, ying-yang on the "read a newbie" page.
This is a pay it forward review (Thing reviewed something for me and requested I pay it forward. I'm doubling it. This is my second pay it forward review).
First, I wanted to say the story has a great voice. There were strong sensory details. That really helped the story come alive. I thought you did a great job of portraying the family dynamics and the conflict. The dialogue was good, and carried a great deal of the story line. I liked that. The conflict kept the story interesting, and you ramped it up nicely.
I did want to mention that I thought the story would be easier to read if the paragraph breaks were clear. I realize the copy and paste function of WDC can make this tricky, but the stories read more smoothly when this is corrected.
I also thought it might be helpful to run this piece through a spell and grammar checker, like grammarly.com. I'm terrible with spelling, punctuation and grammar, so I don't comment on those much in my reviews.
Here is one thing that did pop out at me - I think you mean "with disgust." With discussed Jimmy watched the waiter quickly retreat into the crowded restaurant before turning back to his brother.
I really felt like Stan was a sympathetic character. You did a great job of portraying both Stan and Jim. They really came alive for me. I was curious about one thing - Why Stan wanted to help get his dad out of jail. Perhaps I missed the explanation? Or was it just a factor of Stan being a really good son? I was also not certain as to why that had to happen before the engagement question could be posed.
I think this was my favorite image of the whole piece: "Her vision began to blur, leaving her to swat at the tears, trying desperately to hold her self together for what she knew was coming." Nice imagery, good use of tension.
Anyway - Thank you for writing this and sharing the read with me!
I saw the link to your port on Arall''s, and stopped by.
I thought this was a great poem.
It told an interesting story, it had a point/moral - and it had a fun rhyme. I'm not good with rhyming poetry, and I greatly admire anyone who can do it well.
I also felt the piece had a nice rhythm, and that rhyme reinforced the feel of the piece. Using the rhyme also helped give the poem a deeper sense of 'young voice.'
If I had to suggest something for improvement, perhaps a fresh look at the first stanza might be helpful.
I wonder if this line might be re-ordered or re-stated to improve the flow: I heard a cry I had not known.
Perhaps something like "I heard a cry I did not know."
I found your story on "read a newbie." Welcome to WDC!
First I have to say - wow - what a powerful story line!
I thought this story had a very good conflict, and the actions of the main character were unexpected. The story line was fresh and original. The story had all the necessary pieces of a good short story, intro, conflict, resolution and conclusion. I thought the symbolism was great.
I thought the feel/voice of the main character was compelling.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I think this story would benefit from some ruthless trimming, and a go-over to add sensory information (less telling, more showing). You might find it helpful to check these links out:
Finally, I wondered a bit about the part about the girls. If Andrew is 13 at the time of the story, and the brother is 3 years younger, would the younger (main character) really be thinking about girls and marriage?
If you are interested in a more detailed review, please let me know I'd be happy to oblige.
I noticed no glaring grammatical or spelling errors.
I think it's a great idea for a short story. How sad to loose your parents, at any time, let alone to such a tragic and scary Halloween.
Now on to some review details:
Ref/Structure
Perhaps it might be helpful if the first paragraph and the rest of the story were a bit more in line. For instance, in the first paragraph, the parents are identified as "my parents." In the rest of the story, it switches to "he" and "his."
It also might be helpful if the story 'showed' more, instead of telling what happened.
You might find these helpful references, they helped me out a lot when I first started on WDC:
I thought the symbolism and the metaphors were very well done. I thought the piece had an underlying message, and the language and the tone of the poem fit the subject as well as the potential audience.
It kind of reads like a prayer, which I think it is appropriate.
If I had to suggest anything for improvement, perhaps the poem might lend itself to more sensory details to help the reader picture the scenes mentioned in the poem. (i.e, a breathtaking encounter between ocean and sky).
I enjoyed the fun an rhythmic piece "The Doctor is no help." I think the poetic devices used in this poem worked very well.
The rhythm was great, it just rocked along. The rhymes (something I struggle with) were very easy and unforced.
My favorite line was the one about the handkerchief. It made me smile.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I wondered what would happen if you removed "very" from the line about the friendly nurse. I wasn't sure it was needed and I thought it might tighten it up.
Also I wondered if there might be a way strengthen the last line.
"I'll try to rest in bed" might be changed to something more declarative maybe? "I'm staying home in bed!" Not sure what might work best.
I really liked the way this poem told a story in a fun and interesting way. It's a very humorous look at cold situation.
Connie this is a great short story! I loved it. It made me laugh out loud on a quiet Saturday morning. I probably woke up the whole house!
I really enjoyed the colorful way this was written.
Onto something more technical:
The story met all the requirements of a short story. It had a good hook, a solid introduction, a well defined arc, and a definite conclusion.
The language used was appropriate for a general audience. There was a great deal of descriptive language that enhanced the humor of the piece. The pace of the story was good, and the action well distributed. I liked the way tension was built.
I noticed no glaring spelling or grammatical errors.
If I had to suggest something for improvement, I thought the hook might benefit from another look, and I think this piece might benefit from some slight trimming. What things in this story don't contribute or pull their own weight? Is there anything that is not essential to the essential character development or story arc elements? Would the flow of the story be improved if they were removed? Again, it's great the way it is, these were the only things I could see to suggest.
I think this would be a great entry in a nostalgic prose contest, or appropriate for publication as a human interest piece.
I greatly enjoyed sharing this very humorous trip down memory lane. Thank you so much for sharing it with me!
Best wishes,
Sil
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