This poem made me sit back and take a breath. I have read your story and so this held even more meaning for me. This is the type of poetry I write so it is wonderful to find someone else who expresses themselves in a like manner. The way you spoke of your breath feeling "cold" was chilling (no pun intended is just the best word). I also like the use of the "broken world" after the description of the chaotic and warlike atmosphere.
Only suggestion: there is a typo "umong" should be "among". That's all I can find to even point out. I will read more of your work.
This is my first review on Writing.com. I was looking to begin reading and found your story in the review requested link. This is a very emotion and unsettling story, but that said, it truly drew me in. I couldn't stop reading. That means you did a very good job of telling this sad tale.
I don't really know how to review the style of it , so I will just tell you my thoughts.
The way you used the "Bad/Good" threw me a bit at first, but then the style grew on me. I don't know how others feel about it, but to me, it eventually seemed almost like small chapters, or a journal. Giving the description of "Bad or Good" should possible be left up to the reader, but then, on the other hand it created a sort of suspense. At first, I thought it was a list of "pros" and "cons" as one might make when weighing out a decision that must be made...I am not sure now.
I think that this piece could have a lot of meaning to a lot of people. It did to me. The way you just describe what happens - apart from the labels I spoke about - shows the reader what happened - almost as if they are there observing it. That is one of the rules of writing "Show, don't tell." You have done that with dialogue and telling the story.
You chose to tell it in third person, so that threw me a little after reading your note with the title. I think I am hoping it is just a lead in because it is so heartbreaking. The fact that I am not sure added a bit of an eerie quality that I liked and it is probably easier to tell that way. Either way, it is real enough and poignant enough to be extremely believable and to pull any reader with a heart in. I won't give you my advice, but I can only hope that as the story unfolds the reader and writer can see where it leads.
One suggestion - I felt the first paragraph was unnecessary. In my opinion, you could just begin with the second paragraph "Love at first sight..." I think this would be more powerful, and if you choose to give a physical description of the two lovers then you can weave it through the story. Sometimes, it's better to just let the reader envision what they want to. The personalities of the two people become pretty clear by the time this part of the story stops.
I hope that this is the type of review that you appreciate. I encourage you to keep writing. This is a story that I would want to read more of and hope for a resolution to the terrible dilemma that the main character finds herself in. It is a heartbreaking story, and as I mentioned before, it is told in an unusual style...it works for me. Perhaps, someone more adept at story writing will give you a better technical input on that. My review is from the heart.
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