Thank you for sharing such an emotional piece of yourself in this poem. I not only can relate to this exact scenario, but I can also feel what you're feeling within every line of writing. When an author puts their heart on the page - you can tell it's genuine.
I do want to let you know that you might want to change the capital letters on each line when it's really just a continuing sentence. My eyes are drawn to the letters instead of the meaning of the words - so I think that would help strengthen it. Also the sixth line from the bottom has a spelling mistake - should be "too" instead of "to."
Great job. Thanks for putting this out there
I liked this. I wasn't sure where it was going but I liked the block style and it flowed nicely. The ending was a bit of a surprise and also a pleasant one at that. I liked the symbolism and the "pay it forward" aspect as well as the "treat others as you would want to be treated" message. Thanks for sharing.
THIS IS SO SAD - and so incredibly good!! I love the flow - the way it reads. I felt pulled into the writing right away and that is rare. The descriptive language is supreme and feel the pain in the narrator's heart. I hope there is more and I would love to read it. If not - you really have something here and I think you should keep going. At least I WANT you to keep going so I can see where it goes. Good job!
The figurative language in this piece is absolutely wonderful. I can feel the magic in every line and that's hard to find. I found myself picturing a willow tree with woman-like traits swaying in the breeze, breathing everything in. Very classic. Very visual. I dig it.
Not sure if you were shooting in this direction....but these sound like pretty great song lyrics. If you know anyone who writes music, you should collaborate. You might be onto a number one hit here. The best songs usually start with some sort of poetry. Hey, ya never know ;)
Some really good ideas here.... I like the misdirection in both sections - a lot!
I do have some suggestions. I think you should read this out loud to yourself and record it. Then listen to it so you can hear how well it flows. Sometimes we're too busy writing down our ideas to realize that the sentence structure doesn't quite work. You had me fooled in the first part - thought she was being attacked!!
The second part was a bit confusing and I re-read it twice to see if I missed something. Again, sometimes as writers we take for granted that the reader doesn't have all the information we have whirling around in our heads. Details get missed that may or may not be important to the story. I like that the kitten is actually the 3 year old... but at first, because I'm already thinking about vampires - I thought that the little girl was just hiding and that she appeared and ate the kitten. (lol, just wanted to throw that out there). But I think you might want to just go back and revise a little bit - not to reveal that she's the kitten - but to help the transition from feline to child work a little better. Cheers on putting this out there for suggestions. Keep working at it. I would like to read more!
I tend to shy away from the political arena because it causes me anxiety and I always feel like I'm ill-educated when talking about it. I applaud you for not only taking a stand but also having the courage to share your opinion online.
Like I said, I have anxiety when it comes to this topic, but I'm going to give it a shot. I see your call for political action and I like the way you use words in a rally cry for change. Is it truly the VP (Vice President) you want impeached?
Unfortunately I did not have the pleasure of reading the first part of this yet, but I am intrigued and want to read more. There are a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors that will need to be ironed out as you move forward, but I'm a fan of fleshing things out and polishing it up once it's all down "on paper."
I also think that you should read this out loud, maybe even record yourself while you do that. There are a few instances, (the word sword for example) that come up a lot in just a short amount of time. It makes the word stand out and becomes a little distracting. By reading it out loud yourself, you may hear what I'm talking about. Just needs a little revision and you can probably accomplish what you originally intended to say without the repetition.
Even being unfamiliar with the storyline, I find it easy to keep up with the pace and material of this particular section. I don't know a lot about the characters so it's hard for me to comment on them. In this section there isn't a lot of development or backstory on any of them. If you haven't done any of that in the first section, maybe consider a little more development for them.
I also noticed you used a lot of $5 words and adverbs. Please consider the idea that sometimes less is more. While it is important to describe things "colorfully" you don't want to alienate the reader with too many vocab words that they might have to stop and look up or too many "ly" words that end up just running together instead of helping to develop your sentence.
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