Overall I think you have something special here. I am curious about the world you created and can see myself reading something like this. But for the sake of giving concise feedback ,here are my notes.
Things to keep:
- I like the mystery surrounding why Liam must train every summer
- I like the diverse characters.
- Liam comes off as multidimensional.
Notes:
- I think you can skip the section where the dad wakes Liam up early for school. It would be just as effective to show a sleepy Liam and his dad, showing up to the school with few cars in the parking lot – you know what I mean? This would also give you a chance to show us the texts from his friends who are waiting there for him.
- Avoid clichés: ”naked as the day I was born”
- Would Liam really know where his locker was on the first day of school before he went through homeroom?
These chapters could also use cutting and adding. You skim through a lot of the conversation and tell us how to feel about your characters. For example, you tells us that Alissa is a firecracker but don’t show us the dialog to back up that claim. Is it just because she swears?
I like your story and wish you the best of luck in your revisions.
The Story Teller: The Gathering, is a story about another story: story inception. The Storyteller tells her/his clan a story of a storm that changed the world as we know it. The storm forced a family to spend time with another minus the distractions and distance that technology creates. The storm also makes the family more charitable as they open up their homes in a fashion that they would’ve never done it before.
My favorite part of the story was:
So they stayed as if the staying could do ought against the storm.
They put boards--flattened pieces of wood, over their w'dows.
W'dows were clear...like water...but solid and could keep out most of the weather.
But not a storm like Charl.
This story is plausible. The storm would have to be pretty great in order to prevent people from being able refurbish the technology of the past. I would venture to say that this storm would have to kill a great many people, and it had to spread to every corner of the earth. In this paragraph the writer explains how it came to change the world:
The waters rose and spread beyond the banks of the Great Waters. It swirled around their house making it an island. Yet the family was strong. There were 'dults who protected
My concern is how the current society came to be. The story seems to skip right past that part and jump right to the new society. I would’ve liked to know how this new society works. Is it really better then how we live now?
Finally, the writing was spot on with grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Good work!
First date is reminiscent of Cinderella, except the mice and birds that help Cinderella get ready are replaced by a rich man’s wallet. The story is like a fairytale – a beautiful girl gets notice by a rich stranger.
Sandra strikes me as an interesting person. Not all people would react to a strange man’s advances in this fashion. She shows some signs of being a little lusty – the way she reacts to the delivery man: “Sandra is lost in the tight muscles on the man’s tanned body.” I want to know more about why she reacts this way. Who is she really? Does she tend to approach romance in such an open fashion? Overall, I feel like I didn’t learn enough about the character to gain a connection to her. If I had some idea of where she came from or her past relationships, it would make me root for a successful blind date or slap her hand for being naïve yet again. Check out this article: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to... It explains the elements that help readers feel connected to characters.
Just my opinion here: I think this story might have been better if told in the first person perspective. There’s not a lot of dialog and so much of the story is unfolding in her mind.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. I’m an optimist. It’s nice to see good things happen to people. I hope that this date is everything she hoped it to be. [Though it would be far more interesting if it turned out to be terrible]. Best of luck!
I really enjoyed reading The Ten Year Drought. As someone who has never been addicted to anything, I find stories about addiction fascinating - the way that something can grab a hold of someone so tightly that they have to go to drastic measures to get out of its grasp.
This story effectively raises the stakes. The story begins with telling us that there is an addiction. Then we learn the pivotal moment that urged Jason to change. Next, we see him in his new life, coping with the changes he’s made. Lastly, we see him giving in, even though he has some many good reasons to abstain. Human nature, right?
I think this story may be better told in first person. There isn’t a lot of dialog, and so much of the story is unfolding in Jason’s mind. The story might have a little more tension coming from Jason. He has so much to lose, and arguably, so little to gain. This article explains what I mean: http://www.writersdigest.com/qp7-migration-all-art...
I only found one error. See below.
Original: It was New Years Eve, a day he couldn’t even think about without feeling nauseous.
Corrected: It was New Year’s Eve, a day he couldn’t even think about without feeling nauseous.
Overall, I think the story depicts what happens when you apply social pressure (even when it’s indirect) to someone recovering from an addiction. Something as simple as spending time with the people you care about can become complicated when you are trying to fix something in your life. Thanks for the insights.
I enjoyed The Tree on the Dike. I wonder how much of the story I’ve missed. Stories about phantom cats are usually somehow related to witchcraft. I wonder if that is the case with this story. Though I am jumping in at the middle of the story, I get the sense that it will fit in well with other young adult, fantasy stories.
As someone who is doesn’t know the whole story, I felt a little lost in the dialog at the beginning of the chapter. There were a lot of characters: Fiona, Susan, Brad, the nurse/ Ms. Kennedy, Jill. With this many characters in one scene, I felt like it was hard to get a sense of who any of them were or there importance to the whole story. I think it would’ve made for a lot more tension if Fiona and Susan had more of a confrontation in this scene. You learn a lot about someone from the way they handle conflict, so that may be worth exploring.
Overall, the pacing of the story was good. I felt like things slowed down during the scene where Susan is walking around. Though Susan is using this time for some introspection, I don’t feel like I learned anything new about the character or the plot, so maybe it could use some trimming in this area.
From what I’ve read so far, I think this story has direction. It was worth the read. Congratulations for taking the plunge into your story. I haven’t gotten nearly as far. I look forward to reading more. Good luck!
The Home of Fang really leaves the reader feeling like in an instant everything can change. I think the voice of the narrator is pretty unique. The narrator comes off as a simple person explaining something very exciting, and I think this is due to the narrator’s psychic distance to the character. It’s reminiscent of the film Forrest Gump. The main character is so unassuming and seemingly ordinary that it makes it seem like the things that are happening to him are too big for him. I’m interested to see if the character becomes bigger or if he maintains his small town charm.
The chapter had very good pacing but I felt like it started to slow down quite a bit as Jess fell down the tunnel. The tunnel portion didn’t seem to tell us anything new about the character or about the plot, so it seems like it could be trimmed a little.
I found few errors of any kind. See below
Original: “I promise to keep it safe.” came the low, quiet reply.
Correct-ish: “I promise to keep it safe,” came the low, quiet reply. (I’ve never seen a dialog tag like this so I’m not sure if it’s correct. Let me know what you think.)
Correct: “I promise to keep it safe,” he said quietly.
The narrator calls the protagonist, Jess, by many names: the young man, boy, his helper. The same thing goes for the elderly man, Mr. Drake. I think the narrator should be consistent.
Original: He wanted answers for how that phrase, which was always a part of the strangest dreams, was now written on this odd little trinket he’d been given as payment. He wanted answers why he always had those dreams on the old man’s back porch. He wanted answers to all the questions which were beginning to come up about the item he’d been given.
Suggestion: He wanted answers for how the phrase, which was always a part of the strangest dreams, was now written on this odd little trinket he’d been given as payment. Why did he have those dreams on the old man’s back porch?
Overall, I really enjoyed your piece, and I look forward to learning Jess’ destiny. Good Work
I really enjoyed reading Then Came the Morning. It is a very descriptive piece that paints a picture of a man hunting in a utopia of sorts. There are rabbits, butterflies, and dew kissed leaves. Everything is alive and has a story to tell. This story sends the message to enjoy the little things in life. It seems that each beautiful thing that happens in the idyll represents something that is happening within the hunter.
I think this piece serves its purpose: to inspire. However, I find that the stories that inspire me the most are those that show something that has changed from bad to good, wrong to right. As it is said by the great MLK, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” I think this piece would be taken to a whole new level if the story had a little more struggle or controversy.
I found just a few errors. The one below is due to word confusion.
Original: I have clanged to God’s promises that the sun will rise again.
Corrected: I clung to God’s promises that the sun will rise again.
Clanged: loud noises
Clung: to cling to
The story is told in present tense until it reaches the sentence below:
Then it happened. As I was looking straight ahead, out of the corner of my right eye I caught movement.
After this sentence, it seems to go back and forth between present and past tense.
Overall, I really enjoyed your piece. I don’t know what led you to writing this piece but I’m sure that this piece will be seen by the person who needs it the most. Best of luck to you! Thanks for sharing!
After reading Sea Shell Man, I felt a mixture of wonder and sadness. The mother and daughter are dealing with loss the best way they know how. I imagine the moments that led to collecting seashells. The mother, seeing her daughter suffering, decides o help her daughter by doing something to commemorate the dad. By the end of the project, the mother finds that she needs to honor her husband's memory just as much as the daughter.
The Sea Shell Man comes off as lifelike and magical. The story seems like it can go in many directions. I like short stories like this one, but I want to know more about this story and about the characters.
The story comes off like a summary or synopsis of a larger story. I feel like the introduction of the backstory at the end of the story feels a little forced. It takes the reader out of the moment and out of the story. One of the best things about reading a story is forgetting that you are reading and becoming immersed in the story. I felt that way in the first paragraph. The second paragraph felt more like a justification. I think there are more ways to get the rest of the story.
I found one issue due to may be due to word confusion. See below.
Original: At home the man stood vigilante; awaiting the return of mother and daughter. His shell encrusted body reflecting the rays of sunlight piercing the window.
Corrected: At home the man stood vigilantly; awaiting the return of mother and daughter. His shell encrusted body reflecting the rays of sunlight piercing the window.
After reading Rachel’s Coffee Mug, I felt like I’d experience the world in a whole new way. I also felt a tinge of jealously because this is a great idea: writing a story in the point of view of a seemingly insignificant object. By writing the story in this way, the reader gets the feeling that stories are everywhere and the aspiring writer (me) learns another story telling technique.
This story has good use of all five senses. We see the darkness that the coffee mug sees when he’s locked away in the cupboard. We feel the soft touch of Rachel’s hand around the mug. We hear the song that Rachel sings on a good day (and later on a bad day). We feel the warmth of the coffee being poured into the mug; the mug even describes the coffee inside of him as “delicious”. All of these things help the reader to care for Rachel as the coffee mug does.
By the end of the story, I really wanted to know what happened to Rachel. What happiness was taken out of her life? What took her sunshine away? Will Rachel ever return to her old routine? I think this is a wonderful story. I only have one suggestion for the first sentence.
Original: To all appearances, mine is a mundane existence, the same routine seven days a week 365 days a year.
Reworked: To all appearance, mine is a mundane existence. The same routine seven days a week, 365 days a year.
After reading Lets Live Again, I felt encouraged to be resilient in my struggle to achieve my dream. I imagined David staring up at Goliath and the turtle out-maneuvering the hare. I felt all of the people who stood up for what they believed when all the odds were not in their favor.
Though I found the words comforting, this poem lacked fluidity. I think this is due to what comes off as forced rhyming. For instance, the line: I know life is a fight with dinosaur; But if you dare win can't be far. Arguably, “dinosaur” and “far” don’t rhyme but even they did, I don’t think this line adds value to the poem.
There were few grammatical errors:
Original: Its all alone you who has to do.
Corrected: It’s all alone, you’ll have to do.
Original: Stand up and say , 'Lets live again'.
Corrected: Stand up and say, ‘Let’s live again.’
Overall, I think this poem serves it purpose: to motivate. Everyone can relate to needing to pick themselves up in a time of crisis. Below is what I think are the most powerful parts of your poem – the parts that speak to me the most.
So what if pain is at every step
I'm not sorry for torture I felt
It takes a little to stand after a fall
You learn to rise after all.
Crave your destiny, mark your fate;
Don't hesitate or you may be late.
Even if the struggle is in vain;
Stand up and say , 'Let’s live again'.
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