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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sewer_swan
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Review by Odd_One_Out Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, well you hit the atmosphere correctly, great tone and the rhyme scheme is solid.

I like the single vowel rhyme throughout because the monotony mirrors the dreariness of the poem, well done with that.

A few things for you to think about for the redraft would be:

In the first stanza, there is a clear contrast, using words like light and stars against 'black' which sets the reader up to think there will be some change in narrative or tone, which there isn't. Possibly not an expectation you would want the reader to put a first step towards only to stick with the gloomy texture throughout.

While quiet as a lullaby is good for the flow, it gives the reader a sense of security which the narrator clearly doesn't have.

The best part is

"I hear a breeze and sigh,
The night wind will not reply"

I think you should meditate on what those 2 lines do for the poem, they are the most effective, but some other word choices, such as the aforementioned aren't entirely consistent with the poems aesthetic.

Although there isn't a great deal of originality here, there is much potential. Cut out innocuous words like 'hear' and perhaps lengthen the lines to give it more of a drone effect (which would also leave room for more description and accentuate the monosyllabic rhyme scheme) and you're on to something.

Also, using 'O' in 'O dark and dreary...' 'O' is a very dated and overused poetic sound device, which doesn't bear well in modern poetry. Sounds appropriate to the ear, comprehended as archaic to the modern readers disposition - we can thank Shakespeare for that one, damn him lol

Good job, hope this review was helpful

C.
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Review of The Prince  Open in new Window.
Review by Odd_One_Out Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
aha! very good, the dialogue is very natural and convincing. 2 suggestions, first is that it could be fleshed out more between the dialogue to make the setting richer and feel more involved with what they are saying. Second, and this is purely the feeling i get as a reader, but I think it would work better with a present-tense narrative rather than a past-tense. The immediacy would heighten it. So i'll take a random line to illustrate...

'I moved closer to him, and he kissed me gently. I pressed my lips to his; as the kiss became passionate, he pulled away'

put that into present-tense...

'I move closer to him and kiss him gently. I press my lips to his; the kiss becomes passionate, he pulls away'

Like i said, purely a readers preference, but to me it seems the whole piece would benefit from present-tense.

Overall, great job!
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