This is a fascinating story. You develop the relationships between the characters well, and I can see why your protagonist is so excited to have her brother come home. The writing is excellent, light and engaging and with a softness I personally really love.
What I'd like to see more of is the hint of the coming nightmare. Just a little more, woven into the narrative as it flows. I only really know there's something about to go awfully wrong because of the description in the info block at the top. This would give it more of a kick, more of a sense of dread to contrast with the general feeling of this person's life being good right now.
Otherwise, this feels like it has loads of potential to go somewhere big.
I really like this—Phil is engaging and a teenager clearly in need of a little direction. It didn't feel like horror to me, but more of a coming-of-age concept.
Your descriptions of fire throughout are fantastic and the idea and development of Phil over time, secretly learning the techniques are great.
I don't think it needs to be horror (except for a horror contest, obviously). But if you wanted to make it a horror story, I would add elements of creepiness, rather than fantastical elements. The book perhaps starts talking, or Phil sees visions as well as learning fire. Maybe push the limits so that Phil actually embraces his ability to cause harm to bullies and it ends up going too far.
All that being said, I really enjoyed this and would love to know more about Phil's battle to control his ability for the rest of his life.
I love the reveal at the end of this one! It was incredibly satisfying to see this play out and in such a dramatic way.
I was a little confused that Mrs Martin was there, or suddenly appeared, and I really wanted it to stay in present tense. I don't usually say this, but the tense switched after the second sentence and I think you could have maintained (no pun intended) the energy by making it all present tense.
That said, I really enjoyed this and it would make one hell of a blind date!
The first thing I thought of was Bradley Whitfield driving a golf cart through a subterranean concrete hellscape in Cabin in the Woods. Then I switched instantly to my partner, who works in corporate IT, and how entirely on-brand this is for his attitude to employment (on the protagonist's side—he's always b*tching about the phone-it-in employees).
I especially love the drip feed of detail and the reward of re-reading, going back through each section once I had the reveal so I could pick up more information. I'm assuming this is Lucifer's business and we don't have Dave to blame for that one. Corrupting Saint Augustine would be one hell of a catch, though. And how stiff is the competition from Heaven? These are all things I want to know and the joy is in the imagining.
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