I like this story quite a bit. I like that it's a contemporary variation on a classic sort of legend, and I particularly like that it doesn't try to be overly clever about it.
And I'm especially struck by its relatively short length and relative lack of complexity. It's an idea that could be blown up out of proportion to itself, but it comes it at just about the right word count and level of detail. Every time I tried to think of some criticism or suggestion -- a little more vividness, a little more detail, a little more dimension -- I found myself pulling back. No, that would bruise it.
Only one of the idea I had survived, and I'm ambivalent even about it. The ending is of the classical sort, so it's not a violent surprise. But it doesn't quite attach to what came before. It doesn't contribute a meaning to it. I don't mean there should be an explicit moral, only that there isn't much of the sense of one.
The closest it comes to having such a meaning is with the father's line, "You have everything you need, why would you want an elf?" There's something in that which could be developed a tiny bit more. Petal has everything, and in reaching for a little more she loses everything. Or, when Petal gets what she really wants she suddenly doesn't need any of what she has.
As I say, I'm ambivalent about offering the suggestion, as the story reaches port without it; more freight might sink it. I only feel like an extra line someplace, a little more weight placed on the circumstances so that they contrast more ironically with Petal's disappearance, would sharpen it a little more.
I never know how to review flash fiction pieces. They naturally don't have scope for the kind of thing most stories use to establish themselves, so I always have the nagging feeling that there's some quality they're meant to have that I'm not aware of. It worries me that, whether I like a piece or not, I'm missing a vital point.
That disclaimer aside, I really like "The Red-Headed Crush." It captures the jumpy teenage feeling of having a crush, as well as the (possibly misguided) hopes and (possibly justified) fears associated with them. For instance, I especially like the sentence "Some people considered her a red-head," which is a sensation way of conveying her talent for self-deception without actually stating that she is wrong to believe this. I also like the detail about the scar, which is a much more vivid note than hair or eye color.
I think my only critical comment would be about some of the wording, which is a little awkward in places. "Her left hand twisted" and "Her right hand traced": Why couldn't this be "She twisted a shock of her strawberry blond hair with one hand and traced lazy circles around the name 'Jeremy' with the other." There are a few other places like that. Given the extremely tight form, I'd give each sentence a hard look to make sure it either vividly conveys detail or characterization. But this is a matter of polishing.
Disclaimer: I don't understand how flash fiction is supposed to work. Corollary: You should probably ignore everything I say.
I like the progress of this story, and I especially like the way the progress is recapitulated in the rejected shop names.
I have only two small suggestions, both subject to my opening caveat.
First, I'm not certain that the first three sentences contribute anything to the story. It seems to me they could be eliminated without loss. Second, I think the story would be more vivid if the sentences spoke in particulars rather than generalities. E.g., instead of the vague (and cliched) "Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, Stan was being groomed to be a leader of industry," give the sentence details to convey the wealth he was born into and the fate he was being groomed for, e.g., "Hand-delivered into the environs of Winchester County by a physician specially retained to stage his debut, Stan played as an infant under the same polished walnut boardroom table he was being groomed to preside over." The sentence "He gave Ronald McDonald a chance" comes closest to using this kind of concrete detail. The more sentences use that kind of vivid touch, I think the stronger it would be.
This probably doesn't seem like much to say, but it would be bad form if a review were longer than the piece it's meant to review.
This is very nice. I like it a lot. It is obvious that there is going to be a twist at the end, but it is not predictable, and the last two sentences nail the happy nature of the conclusion with exactly the right degree and kind of obliqueness.
I'll preface my one suggestion with a disclaimer: I understand that this piece was written under a word count, so this is not a criticism of the entry but only an observation about improving the work outside the competition. I don't think the piece should be appreciably longer, but a few more detailed descriptive touches -- of her home, of the coffee shop, of her preparations -- would be nice. The only large change I'd urge is that the nature of the telephone call -- which was explained in the prompt -- be included (though maybe as no more than an aside) early in the story so that we understand the circumstances.
Otherwise this is just really neat and gave me a big smile.
This is a neat idea for a story. I think it would be better if it used more concrete details, though, and if the ending had a stronger ironic resonance.
I'm calling it an idea for a story because it only sketches in the abstract form of the protagonist's desire and her problem. This is not a matter of "telling" vs. "showing" -- it would be too tedious to "show" Karie's desire and her struggle. But the related details could be more vivid.
She wants "fame" -- but what does "fame" mean to her? To have her name plastered online and in print? To have her picture everywhere? Her opinion sought? A colorful vignette imagining the glorious experience of being famous -- the popping flashes and the gasping crowd as it surges at the scarlet carpet while the Botoxed reporters thrust microphones at Karie's face, say -- would tell us what kind of fame she wants, and why *this* contest will get it for her.
Similarly, it would be nice to get vivid details of what it's like to be distracted and unimaginative while trying to be creative -- if you're anything like me, you know what *that* is like. The hot headache caused by an empty brain; the wrong words scraping against each other and refusing to spark ideas. Also, the joys of procrastination: the blessed ding of a text or email alert; the obsessive emptying and loading of the dishwasher; the plunging of the hand into a box of Pop-Tarts, and the snap decision to go to the grocery store NOW because there are only five left. I think details like these would be nicer than "Nothing done".
Also, and I hate to say it, but: It's kind of a cheat to not reveal Karie's great idea at the end, unless you want to turn the secrecy itself into a joke about the way writers can fool themselves -- she announces she's got the idea, maybe, and promises herself she'll tackle it after school, but once she realizes she's lost she discovers she's forgotten that winning idea. (I've lost so many ideas because I've delayed writing them down.)
The ending: It seems like there is supposed to be some irony there, but I'm not sure what it is, because the horror of delaying so long that her sister gets the call is not itself ironic. Perhaps her sister kept distracting Karie and that's one reason she couldn't come up with an idea? Perhaps her sister has ideas -- multitudes of them -- but doesn't want to be famous?
Finally, even in its current form, I think the existence of the sister should be established earlier so that it doesn't come out of nowhere at the end. Also, unless there is some undercurrent I'm missing, I think the sister's name should not be so similar to Karie's. I had to go back to reread the beginning and ending to confirm that these were different people.
I mean all of these suggestions as dabs of plaster onto an already strong skeleton.
[Edited to include signature and include affiliation]
I'm not sure how to review this piece, as I'm not certain whether to treat it as a story or as a memoir. These forms make different demands.
As a story it lacks a problem for the protagonist. A romance -- and this piece is billed as a "fall romance" -- no less than any other kind of story needs to put the protagonist in danger. Danger of losing the loved one; danger of getting the wrong loved one; danger of losing something else that's desirable in order to get the loved one. In this story, I do not know what Beth is in danger of losing.
As a memoir -- or as something written perhaps to resemble a memoir -- it also lacks tension. It is written as a series of scenes (Beth wondering where Jason has got to; Beth and Jason going to Wisconsin; Beth and Jason going to Nevada) that don't have much to do with each other and don't shed much light on their characters or what they mean to each other.
The title and subtitle and the final paragraphs are supposed to convey an autumnal glow to the piece. As it is written, this is only mood when it could be theme -- change brings loss but it leaves memories that can return and renew with the seasons -- but there are no incidents that dramatize such a theme.
There are also details that strike odd notes. Beth and Jason have been seeing each other for two years, but they have not yet met each other's parents? This seems like something that needs explanation if it's to be plausible. I am also struck by Beth's emotional reaction to being away from Jason for two days. If they have been together for two years, it seems to me she should not be so shy about calling him up if she wonders where he's got to; conversely, if they are often apart for several days at a time, she should not be so worried about not hearing from him.
There is also a major shift in point of view in Wisconsin, where characters are introduced as "Beth's Dad", "Beth's brother", etc. The rest of the story is in first person; the correct attributions should be "my dad", etc.
The prose style is smooth enough that nothing jogged my attention unduly. The supporting characters are not vivid, and the dialogue is functional, but that may not matter much in a story that is probably meant to focus so strongly on the protagonist's feelings.
This is a neat idea for a story. I think it would be better if it used more concrete details, though, and if the ending had a stronger ironic resonance.
I'm calling it an idea for a story because it only sketches in the abstract form of the protagonist's desire and her problem. This is not a matter of "telling" vs. "showing" -- it would be too tedious to "show" Karie's desire and her struggle. But the related details could be more vivid.
She wants "fame" -- but what does "fame" mean to her? To have her name plastered online and in print? To have her picture everywhere? Her opinion sought? A colorful vignette imagining the glorious experience of being famous -- the popping flashes and the gasping crowd as it surges at the scarlet carpet while the Botoxed reporters thrust microphones at Karie's face, say -- would tell us what kind of fame she wants, and why *this* contest will get it for her.
Similarly, it would be nice to get vivid details of what it's like to be distracted and unimaginative while trying to be creative -- if you're anything like me, you know what *that* is like. The hot headache caused by an empty brain; the wrong words scraping against each other and refusing to spark ideas. Also, the joys of procrastination: the blessed ding of a text or email alert; the obsessive emptying and loading of the dishwasher; the plunging of the hand into a box of Pop-Tarts, and the snap decision to go to the grocery store NOW because there are only five left. I think details like these would be nicer than "Nothing done".
Also, and I hate to say it, but: It's kind of a cheat to not reveal Karie's great idea at the end, unless you want to turn the secrecy itself into a joke about the way writers can fool themselves -- she announces she's got the idea, maybe, and promises herself she'll tackle it after school, but once she realizes she's lost she discovers she's forgotten that winning idea. (I've lost so many ideas because I've delayed writing them down.)
The ending: It seems like there is supposed to be some irony there, but I'm not sure what it is, because the horror of delaying so long that her sister gets the call is not itself ironic. Perhaps her sister kept distracting Karie and that's one reason she couldn't come up with an idea? Perhaps her sister has ideas -- multitudes of them -- but doesn't want to be famous?
Finally, even in its current form, I think the existence of the sister should be established earlier so that it doesn't come out of nowhere at the end. Also, unless there is some undercurrent I'm missing, I think the sister's name should not be so similar to Karie's. I had to go back to reread the beginning and ending to confirm that these were different people.
I mean all of these suggestions as dabs of plaster onto an already strong skeleton.
This is a neat idea for a story. I think it would be better if it used more concrete details, though, and if the ending had a stronger ironic resonance.
I'm calling it an idea for a story because it only sketches in the abstract form of the protagonist's desire and her problem. This is not a matter of "telling" vs. "showing" -- it would be too tedious to "show" Karie's desire and her struggle. But the related details could be more vivid.
She wants "fame" -- but what does "fame" mean to her? To have her name plastered online and in print? To have her picture everywhere? Her opinion sought? A colorful vignette imagining the glorious experience of being famous -- the popping flashes and the gasping crowd as it surges at the scarlet carpet while the Botoxed reporters thrust microphones at Karie's face, say -- would tell us what kind of fame she wants, and why *this* contest will get it for her.
Similarly, it would be nice to get vivid details of what it's like to be distracted and unimaginative while trying to be creative -- if you're anything like me, you know what *that* is like. The hot headache caused by an empty brain; the wrong words scraping against each other and refusing to spark ideas. Also, the joys of procrastination: the blessed ding of a text or email alert; the obsessive emptying and loading of the dishwasher; the plunging of the hand into a box of Pop-Tarts, and the snap decision to go to the grocery store NOW because there are only five left. I think details like these would be nicer than "Nothing done".
Also, and I hate to say it, but: It's kind of a cheat to not reveal Karie's great idea at the end, unless you want to turn the secrecy itself into a joke about the way writers can fool themselves -- she announces she's got the idea, maybe, and promises herself she'll tackle it after school, but once she realizes she's lost she discovers she's forgotten that winning idea. (I've lost so many ideas because I've delayed writing them down.)
The ending: It seems like there is supposed to be some irony there, but I'm not sure what it is, because the horror of delaying so long that her sister gets the call is not itself ironic. Perhaps her sister kept distracting Karie and that's one reason she couldn't come up with an idea? Perhaps her sister has ideas -- multitudes of them -- but doesn't want to be famous?
Finally, even in its current form, I think the existence of the sister should be established earlier so that it doesn't come out of nowhere at the end. Also, unless there is some undercurrent I'm missing, I think the sister's name should not be so similar to Karie's. I had to go back to reread the beginning and ending to confirm that these were different people.
I mean all of these suggestions as dabs of plaster onto an already strong skeleton.
I'm not sure how to review this piece, as I'm not certain whether to treat it as a story or as a memoir. These forms make different demands.
As a story it lacks a problem for the protagonist. A romance -- and this piece is billed as a "fall romance" -- no less than any other kind of story needs to put the protagonist in danger. Danger of losing the loved one; danger of getting the wrong loved one; danger of losing something else that's desirable in order to get the loved one. In this story, I do not know what Beth is in danger of losing.
As a memoir -- or as something written perhaps to resemble a memoir -- it also lacks tension. It is written as a series of scenes (Beth wondering where Jason has got to; Beth and Jason going to Wisconsin; Beth and Jason going to Nevada) that don't have much to do with each other and don't shed much light on their characters or what they mean to each other.
The title and subtitle and the final paragraphs are supposed to convey an autumnal glow to the piece. As it is written, this is only mood when it could be theme -- change brings loss but it leaves memories that can return and renew with the seasons -- but there are no incidents that dramatize such a theme.
There are also details that strike odd notes. Beth and Jason have been seeing each other for two years, but they have not yet met each other's parents? This seems like something that needs explanation if it's to be plausible. I am also struck by Beth's emotional reaction to being away from Jason for two days. If they have been together for two years, it seems to me she should not be so shy about calling him up if she wonders where he's got to; conversely, if they are often apart for several days at a time, she should not be so worried about not hearing from him.
There is also a major shift in point of view in Wisconsin, where characters are introduced as "Beth's Dad", "Beth's brother", etc. The rest of the story is in first person; the correct attributions should be "my dad", etc.
The prose style is smooth enough that nothing jogged my attention unduly. The supporting characters are not vivid, and the dialogue is functional, but that may not matter much in a story that is probably meant to focus so strongly on the protagonist's feelings.
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