Setting: The story starts at Kevin’s house and moves to Rick’s and then back to Kevin’s. There were enough details for me to see everything.
Characters: Kevin is the main character and has powers that he has inherited from his father. He is the last in the family. I think I would like to see more emotion from Kevin especially in regards to Janice. He must feel betrayed on some level and may be sorry he had to kill her.
Janice is someone who is descended from the warlock hunters and has been told she must destroy the last remaining one.
Referencing: The back story is fascinating. Great background.
How is Gerald going to teach Kevin to use his powers if Kevin was the last one? Did I miss something?
Plot: Kevin is about to fully realize his powers, but a new girl name Janice has shown up to kill him. After a fight, Kevin wins and Janice dies. One of Kevin’s fathers friend shows up to teach him to use his powers.
Grammar: There was some telling in this story instead of showing. I think there are parts that could definitely be more effective if it were shown.
On Kevin’s thirteenth birthday he got his powers. He woke up in a cold sweat about three am on the thirty-first of October. The hour he was born. He woke up and sat up in bed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He crawled out of bed and stumbled through the dark room as he made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the bright light as he walked over to the sink and turned the cold water on. He splashed the cold liquid on his face a few times. He stood there as he braced himself up with his hands on the cold porcelain sink and watched the water drip off his nose into the sink while he thought about the dream that woke him up. This paragraph has a lot of sentences beginning with ‘He *verb*’. I’ve been advised not to let sentences start this way more than three times in a row because it destroys the flow of the writing.
The dark figure made its way over and leaned into the window. “Oh, my night Should be ‘knight’.in shinning armor. I would love a ride.”
“My name is Janice and that is because I have just moved here. I thought I would go to the party and meet a few people seeing how as switch as and how aroundthough I don’t know anyone yet. I heard a few people talking about it at school. It‘s supposed to be a Halloween party for someone's birthday.”
She watched him slowly climb out of the hole and brace him selfone wordon one knee with his hands on the ground.
Kevin stood up and held out his hands as a boltof electricity came from them only to be blocked when she held out the dagger and a force field surrounded her.
Kevin stood there looking at it knowing how close he came to dieingdying.
Mom should be capitalized in the following sentences: Kevin fixed the collar on his long trench coat “I’m sorry mom, but I already promised Ricky I would go to this party with him. After all, I am the guest of honor.”
For a brief second Kevin thought he saw a worried look in his mother’s weary eyes and then it was gone. “Okay, mom. I’ll be home before you know it.” He kissed her on the cheek.
Just my Opinion: I think this story could be longer, maybe even a novel. There are so many great things here that could be expanded. Terrific plot idea!
Sephina
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Setting: There isn’t much in the way of the setting. For the way the story flows, it doesn’t seem like too much detail is necessary. At the same time, maybe more descriptions of some of the scenes might help the reader place himself there.
Characters: The person telling this story is a private investigator for the defense. The only thing that really comes across about him is that he has a crush on Marge. I found myself wanting to know more about him. I guess it’s possible the investigator could be a woman, though. At any rate, I waned to know more about the person who was telling the story. I think it’s important for the reader to connect to the POV character.
Marge was the most detailed character. Through the private investigator’s eyes the reader imagines she is pretty and has an artist-type personality. I honestly believed she cared for her grandfather and she thought she was doing the right thing. If it’s possible, I think it would add more to show her feelings for him.
Daryl seems to care enough about Marge to take the blame entirely. Whether or not he actually cared for the grandfather, I couldn’t tell. I think showing something of their relationship would add depth to the story.
Referencing: I don’t think I have any comments here.
Plot: A private investigator is investigating the death of Marge’s grandfather. Eventually, enough evidence is discovered to charge the boyfriend and Marge. Daryl attempts to take the blame entirely, but Marge confesses too.
Grammar: Looked good to me.
Just my Opinion:
My heart has lost its music like a violin out of tune. Nice line.
The mention of Brandon made me think he could be the killer. I think that part could be drawn out to add some more twists to the tell.
I think this story could be expanded and milked for a lot more emotion, drama and tension. A lot of the story felt like a summary. I think showing interactions between the characters could deepen the story and showing more about the POV character would allow the reader to connect to the story. It’s a great start and with a little work, I think it could be a story that pulls the reader in and invoke strong emotions from the reader.
and this time, one had your name on it.
This line seemed to break the flow. I like the imagery of it though. I think a line break after time may help it though. I think if ‘one had your name on it’ stood alone, it might have a greater emotional impact. Or maybe there’s a different way to word it. It could just be me.
Just my Opinion: I really liked this poem. I think the metaphors clearly show and convey the emotion you’re going for. It’s got that whole what if thing going and I think that’s something everyone can relate to. I want more details though, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that. It’s pretty nice the way it is too. Good job!
And just about any other detrimental afflictions There’s something about the ‘detrimental afflictions’ that I don’t like. I know how hard it is to rhyme and keep a beat. I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions. There’s just something about it that takes away from the mood of the poem, in my opinion.
To take dips slow and avoid cracked glass. Nice line.
I can’t help but think that coming home is a chore, I think this adds to the poem and brings a lot to it. I think it helps personalize it.
To pick up that glass of bitter sick whiskey. I think this breaks the rhyme scheme and beat you had going.
Just my Opinion: I’m always impressed when people can write poetry with things such as rhyme scheme and beats and keep the emotion there. I think you did this very well, with some small exceptions noted above.
Great work!
White clouds, blue sky,
and red stripes of dawn Nice image
for the crucial communion
of continents of men. This part seems to wordy to me and disrupts the flow. I found myself stumbling over this part.
with a rush of dazzling light, I like that line.
Just my Opinion: I think this poem catches the spirit of a waving flag. Except for the one line mentioned above, I think it flows well and has a nice airy quality to it.
Referencing: There was some background about Upstate New York relevant to the story. I don’t think it was something that most people would be familiar with. It was brief and a bit charming.
Grammar: I didn’t see anything that needed correcting.
Just my Opinion: This is a nice history about how a recipe got passed around. I think it adds something to a food item when a story can be attached to it. The images are presented well and helps evoke emotions in the reader. I could see this easily being added to a story if you should ever have the mind to do so.
Setting:There isn’t really a setting. From the way the story is told, there’s not a need for it.
Characters: Dick is the main character. He’s a writer who started to exclusively write comedy because he got paid for it. Being a writer seems like the only thing he wanted to do.
Plot: Dick writes comedy because that’s what got him published. After awhile, his writing friends advanced further than he did. After he looks at his friends works, he realizes what his writing lacked.
Grammar: I didn’t notice anything.
Just my Opinion:
I really like this line: When just a young lad he had written poems for his mother on Mother's Day cards; later expanding his audience to the objects of his earliest crushes.
This story reads more like an outline to me or a fable or fairy tale. I felt there was a lot of telling in this story rather than showing. I’m wondering if that was done on purpose though.
Personally, I would like to know more about Dick and see more of his discovery about what it takes to advance on the staircase. Maybe he’s sitting in his messy room, head on his cluttered desk, wondering why he isn’t very successful. Then he sees some of his friends’ writings in a pile and starts to read them. The reader finds out through Dick’s thoughts about what he needs to do.
It’s an interesting idea and one that I think could be beneficial to a lot of people.
Setting: It takes place outside and I assume in a city or town. I think maybe more description of the area might help set the mood more. Empty streets, dark windows. Or windows that do have light peeping out through the edges, bare limbed trees, Etc.
Characters:Shimmy appears to be a child. I would say she’s about ten, but I’m not good with children’s ages. She is resentful at having to take the dog out especially on such a nasty evening. I think that’s something a lot of kids can relate to. I can remember having to take the dog when I was younger during crappy weather.
Plot: Shimmy is taking the dog out on a dark, windy evening. It’s hinted that there might be something out there with them that’s dangerous.
Grammar: For such a short piece, there may be too many adverbs.
I gave you some suggestions about wording and such in the line by line. Most of the comments are just suggestions and not hard and fast grammar rules.
Just my Opinion: There seems to be a slight build up to something. There is certainly a lot of mystery going on in the background. This almost seems like a beginning of a larger piece or this piece may need some more expanding.
I think you did a great job of showing Shimmy’s emotions and thoughts.
Sephina
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Line by line:
Shimmy hated taking the dog out in the eveningscomma but the animal just didn't reallyI’ve been told not to use ‘just’ and ‘really’ so much. In most cases, I find you didn’t need them.care about her feelings; it had to follow nature's call. That usually meant a quick duck in the grass, and then off to the nightly walk.
She held his chain trying to gain control of the family pet.
"Roscoe! C'mon boy, give me a break!" she yelled as he pulled her in every directioncomma but loose from her body. He didn't seem to notice how noisy it was today. It felt kind of weird. It was a dark and blustery night, which normally meant Roscoe's ears would perk up more than normal, as if he were scanning the airwaves for the best reception to show him the way as he romped around but tonight...he didn't seem to notice this.
Shimmy just shook her head. She didn't want to be out walking the dog in this weather and was sure to let him know how she felt about it.
"Roscoe, this is all your fault! Why do you need a walk, especially at night timeone word I think?" she asked him as she knelt close to his face.
He eyed her curiously and turned his head from side to side. He brought his nose closer to her face, taking in the odor of a cheeseburger long since eaten and took a deep breath. He licked his doggy lips as if he wanted to get a taste of the real thing.
Shimmy shook her head. "Silly dog, all you do is sit here and breathe my leftover food smells! And, you are the one controllingYou’re the one in control when… sounds better to me. when I get to take you out for a walk! Humph...doesn't it figure!" she said as I would suggest dropping the ‘she said as’. And just have ‘She stood…’ If you have action after dialogue, a tag isn’t really needed.she stood to take a good look at the family dog.
"C'mon...let's keep on moving! The wind seems to be picking up tonight!" she said with a heightened tone. "I don't like this Roscoe. And the air is feeling chilly on top of this!"
The sky had grown dark overhead and Shimmy grew more concerned with rain ruining what was left of her wind blown ponytail hair style.
Roscoe pulled and tugged at the chain and they began to lope along the sidewalk. He stopped to smell the grass and checkout the loose candy wrappers scattered around the walk area. Then detracts from the action I think. How about something like, ‘A small insect encouraged him to swipe at it.’? Then, he saw a small insect that he wanted to paw around on the pavement.
“No!” yelled Shimmy. “We don’t have time for that, Roscoe. You need to move so we can get this walk over with.” She sure hated her luck. None of her friends were out walking their dog but Shimmy had to. And it didn’t matter how she felt about it anyway.
Just then, a swift wind arose around them and Shimmy could feel her feet slip under her. Roscoe finally began to bark, as if he suddenly noticed something different about this dark and blustery night.
Shimmy didn’t wait to make a beeline for her home, with Roscoe leading the way, with no delay. This sentence doesn’t read right for me. I don’t think the ‘with no delay’ fits.
Aw... I'm sure you appreciate one of your most embarrassing moments featured on our review group.
This does sound like something that could be used in story. I want to find out more about the guy trying to go out with you! It sounds like you have some good experiences to draw on for some story ideas.
I enjoyed this story and having two of my favorite things and all, vampires and fairies.
I would love to see this be a longer story though. The dark pixie vs. vampires sounds really interesting. Since there was a word count at the bottom, it seems like this may have been written for a contest.
This short little piece seems like it has so much potential if it could be lengthened.
All the same an interesting, cute little story.
I don't write or read much poetry anymore so I don't have much to say or anything to offer in the way of suggestions.
I did like the imagery in the fourth stanza a lot. The descriptions are good throughout.
This is obviously a heartfelt piece and the emotion comes across strong and clear.
Sephina
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