I'll just share my opinion since an essay on this subject could literally go on for 10,000+ words if you wanted it to.
Laws like stand your ground laws are tricky. The problem with the Zimmerman case was that the state had zero evidence, because there were no witnesses other than Zimmerman who were still alive. When the burden of proof falls on the state, the defendant is going to win in this scenario. Firearms are used lawfully an estimated 1,000,000+ times annually in this country against another person. Yet all we hear about is the 30,000 or so deaths that occur by using a firearm, and half of those are suicides. The Zimmerman case deserved zero media attention, because it was no different than many of the other lawful shootings that take place throughout the year. Every now and then, the media simply gets a case and runs with it. Which, is exactly what happened in that instance, in my opinion.
As far as creating consequences for using deadly force, I can't see a good reason for punishing a person for expressing the basic human, and even animal, instinct of defending themselves. Should the same consequences be given to law enforcement when they kill someone in a legal manner? The act is the same no matter who pulls the trigger.
That's all. It's a subject you could debate for eternity over. Have a nice day. :)
I read through your short, and just highlighted a few things that caught my attention. Feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with. :)
Paragraph 1:
"it was as if the burden he carried manifested itself into a physical element, and it was inescapable" In my opinion, this sentence needs some cleaning up, and needs to be made more concrete. I liked the sentence prior to that, about the cool air and heavy mist, which is very concrete and it works, but I think this one needs some work because it could be hard to understand for some.
"The name wasn't familiar, but one didn't have to assume to know that it wasn't a large town" My complaint is similar to that above. I think this would work better if it was made into something more concrete. Can Cador assume it's not large because he has never heard the name because it is indeed small? Or does Cador assume it's small because he is from far away and has never heard the name?
Paragraph 2:
"There were many tables that were round and seated as many as twenty people at any given table." I would cut out "any given table" just because it sounds repetitive as it has already been established that the tables are being examined.
"Yes, to Cador..." This is two sentences after the quote above. I think this should also be cut. We already know we're in Cador's viewpoint, so it's just not needed, in my opinion.
"He had pulled his cloak over himself and raised his hood to conceal his horns (if only to a small extent) before entering the tavern." I think this is fine, but I do believe it should be moved to the beginning of the paragraph. I just find it a bit odd to be in the middle of the paragraph, after the description of the inn itself.
Paragraph 3:
"...however." This is the last word in the paragraph, and I just do not think it is needed.
That's all for now. :) If you feel like it, feel free to check out one of my shorts. Have a good day.
Overall, I thought this was a well written little story. However, I will admit I was hoping she would get her revenge in the end. Keep up the good work.
I think it's a good start so far. I'm not sure how much planning you have done for your characters yet, but I would just sit down, and plan out each character. The more information you have for a character the better, because no one says you have to use it all anyway. :)
Overall, I thought this was an alright short story. The area I would have liked to seen more of description of the alien planet. What was the terrain and the plant life like? What about the architecture for the alien village... thing. I'm not sure if you were going for a certain word count, but that's the place I would have liked to seen more in. Thanks for the read. :)
It took me a little bit to figure out what was probably about to take place. Originally I thought that the POV was that of the bar tender, but that soon changed over to the woman's husband. Overall I thought this was a good little short.
I think an I site as to what drinks were being ordered would have been nice. I could see whiskey, before killing a man. :P
Well I don't know why the person before me would have rated this at 2.5 stars. For the length of it I believe it is fine. Hard to say a whole lot since it is so short. Keep it up.
I'm not much of a fun of prologues, but you were the first review I saw under the newbie section. :) I think this is good overall, but I'll point out a few things that caught my eye.
Your use of the word "that" is what gained most of my interest. When you wrote, "that is that person's life" and, "I was just like that."
If it were me I would try to change the first thing I quoted to something such as, "Because, after all, it's not your life, so why worry?" For the second quote, I might try "Well, that was my attitude too."
One last thing. The line, "I'm a freak, the thing our bodies tried to cover up." makes me think that you are a disease or a virus... is this correct? Since up until that very line I had the idea that you were a person, who has become sick.
Take what I say like a drop of water in a bucket. :)
There's not a whole lot not to like here. It's short and sweet and follows part 1 perfectly. The description you provide of the hunting lodge is adequete and doesn't just go on and on like some authors are capable of doing. I don't care that you can write 500 words on what shade of brown the walls are, just let me see what you are trying to describe and move on! Maybe 500 words is me being sarcastic, but some authors seem just about that bad. So your brief, but good descriptions worked great in my opinion.
The one thing that I was confused about was the bedroom. You said balcony, but I'm thinking it is more of a loft? That is what I imagined while I was reading. Anyways, thanks for the read!
Heck, I don't even like the romance genre, I'm more into guns blazing, face melting, blood and guts, but I liked this. I liked it so much because I have gone through such a similar long distance relationship with a person. I'm not sure whether you are writing from experience or just by the seat of your pants, but your description about some things here was so very close to how I felt during a period of seven years. Even now when I think it is for the best that we no longer communicate, I sometimes wish she would call... but at the same time, I don't. :P
I made myself laugh when I thought I read, "pushing the green answer button which glowed in the dark like a bacon." Oh, that said "beacon."
I really haven't ever shared my long distance experience with anyone else, and even this brief description that I have made to you is just that, brief. I think you have done a good job writing on a subject that some people could draw out forever and ever. Writing how you feel about someone you love can seem infinite at times when trying to explain your own feelings.
I have one problem with your story. ;) it seems to me that you have ran into a common problem when writing in the first person perspective. You have a lot of sentences that start with "I..." And after a while it almost feels like reading off a list of stuff the character is doing. I have around 8000 words in a novel I am currently working on and I am writing it in first person. Every now and then I catch myself doing the same thing, because as the author it feels natural.
But, I do like the idea of a demon that takes care of other demons. The novel I mentioned of mine will have its fair share of demons... But I have been slacking on working on it lately.
Thanks for the read. I liked the idea, and it reminded me of something else that I have read or seen but I cannot come up with what it is. My one complaint is that... I really wanted to know what the noise was too! :) I was expecting him to burn down the apartment complex when that sixth match didn't turn up.
I liked your dialogue. It was not so cluttered as to make it boring to read, but it seemed like something that could take place between two people. The biggest complaint I have is in your first paragraph. You say that the person on the inside of the door is looking throught the peephole, but at the same time you are writing in a first person prespective. For all your character knows, it's the barrel of a gun that is darkening the peephole from the other side. That's the thing you have to remember when writing in first person. You shouldn't write about events, emotions, thoughts, etc. that the view point character cannot see or does not already know about. Food for thought. :)
In my opinion, this little tale feels very rushed since it seems to span an entire year, but not much really happens. I'm not sure your experience with writing, but I will say that while there are no rules written in stone when it comes to writing fiction, it is generally accepted for the dialogue of different characters to be on different lines. So you would have...
"What's the matter?" asked Jake.
"Nothing is the matter! What is the matter with you?" Tracie shot back.
One part that made me laugh with a mouthful of coffee was, "She had scratch marks that were bigger than bears." Now, anyone should be able to figure out what you are trying to say. Something like "She had scratch marks that could have come from a bear." but what your sentence means is that the scratches were larger than multiple bears... which would be impossible since bears are normally about our size or larger. :) So be careful with showing possession in instances such as that. What you intent to say might just come out meaning something totally different! :)
In the last paragraph you have '"I guess that cat's out of the bag now." She said to herself.' The 'S' on 'She' would still be lowercase in this instance, unless you had the dialogue coming after 'She said to herself,"
Once I read the first two lines I could only think to myself, "Oh boy, it's going to be one of these." As in science fiction that throws a huge amount of new words and ideas at you. But, as I kept reading I began to like your writing more and more. It reminds me slightly of Neuromancer, only easier to catch on to, which is a classic in the sci-fi community. Overall, I enjoyed what I read and the idea of 'a light boat project' sounds interesting enough.
Overall I enjoyed this short peice. A few parts made me laugh when I read them, such as '...a duck attempting to moo." and '... he chomped the shit out of my finger." But, overall I thought it was good. I was glad to see that you stuck to first person throughout and did not put down anything that would have been unknown to the main character. I am not sure of your writing experience, but that seems to be a common mishap with many people.
I'm not sure what the intent of this essay is, but I am guessing it is purely informative. I have a bachelors in psychology, and from what I remember you pretty much nailed the subject on the head, but that is what confuses me. This information has been around for years now and has been tested over and over by various people. I feel like there should be citations within the writing other than the one in the firstr paragraph, but, as I said, I am not positive on what your intent is. If it is just to get the information out there then I think you did a good job. What is also interesting is the relationships between male vs female siblings in relation to their birth order and what roles they play with one another.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scubajosh
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 7:46am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
