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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by SciFiBob Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story. It reminded me of my Lucky O'Toole stories. The jokes were a bit old, but what's old is new, right?

When you mentioned the Braths odor I thought that was going to be how they expressed their laughter. The the funnier a joke was the stinkier the smell. Glad I was wrong. lol Keep up the good writing.

Bob
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Review by SciFiBob Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have the makings of a good story, however I have a few suggestions. Your opening paragraph needs to grab the reader more. Perhaps something like:

Oli stared out the airplane window oblivious to the sights and smells of the coach department she was stuck in. After twelve years of battling cancer, her mother had finally lost the fight and Oli missed her terribly.


The rest of the story picks up the pace somewhat, but you need to do more showing than telling, like with Ryan.

Ryan was a good man in conservative shoes. His idea of passion was to make love with his socks on and the lights off. She was half Irish, half Italian, she needed the kind of passion you find doing the Tango in the moonlight with Julio Inglacious. (I think I spelled his name right. lol)

I hope this helps and I look forward to reading more. Bob
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Review by SciFiBob Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well done. Your story flowed from begining to end. The only thing I would have done differently is in the line; letting the sweet, slow chocolate melt in your mouth. - I would have changed it to read; letting the sweet chocolate slowly melt in your mouth. Chocolate isn't slow, but it can melt slowly.
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