🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph's (sapphire_black) Reviews

Create New Item

Read & Review

Community

Browse By Type

Browse By Genre

Writing Resources

Thursday, Jan. 9, 2025

4:09pm EST

Members: 1,012

Guests: 2,229

Total Online: 3,241

SPONSORED ITEMS

The PET NEWS CONTEST

CLOSED

Alien Bond: Spring of Life

Evil is destroyed through peace and unconditional love. A lesson at hand.

I Wish I Could Fly

I wrote this for the Pond Poetry picture of a flower blooming through a cement crack.

The Writer's Cramp

Write the best poem or story in 24 hours or less and win 10K GPS!

READ A NEWBIE

Among the Wind Chimes

A playful moment in a crowded store changes everything between longtime friends.

What Christmas Means to Me

The Christmas Sacrament Service prior to Christmas

The Sandwich Saboteurs

The Joe Trilogy, book 1. About electronics, explosions, and useless conversation.

Oceans

A poem I wrote about feeling trapped in your body

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

The Rose Colored Bottle

Alone doesn't mean unhappy. My shop has an item for the lonely. Well, sometimes it does.

Desert Mirages

Can lonely Morty sift through the daydreams, sort friend from foe--or will he lose it all?

In His Presence

Devotion on the presence of God in our lives

The Poet's Place

Poets can discuss, review, request reviews, etc. of their unique form of writing.

Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sapphire_black

🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

Review Requests: OFF

1,081 Public Reviews Given

1,474 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

When reviewing, I like to focus on the emotion of a work to see if it has a connecting impact. I also pay attention to spelling and punctuation, as they are important parts to hold something together properly.

Favorite Genres

Horror, Fantasy, LGBTQ, but I will read most any genre.

Least Favorite Genres

Religious

Favorite Item Types

Poetry

I will not review...

Anything super long, my attention span tends to cut off at 2,500-3,000 words.

Public Reviews

Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477292

Review of The Inheritance Game

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello Author Ed Anderson

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

I find the characters interesting, although they also felt like stereotypes as I was going through the story. It would have been nice to get more information on the various characters and dive deeper into some of things that were happening to them. It feels like the characters are riding on the surface of something instead of diving on in.

Story Development & Pacing

While I like how much is going on in this story, it feels like the pace is far too quick. It feels like a lot of this could be considered an outline for a much larger story because it jumps from scene to scene, with each new one having something different happening that doesn't feel like it transitioned from the previous.

Dialogue

I really enjoy the wit being thrown around by some of the characters, it makes the story more lively. I think overall the dialogue is good but if the pacing were slowed a little, it could be used to make some deeper connections between the characters.

Conflict & Conclusion

I enjoy the conflict with the murder, the eccentric billionaire, and the characters themselves. When I first started the story, it felt like it has some Saw vibes but going through it, that was lost, which I think was a good thing. I would have liked a bit more exploration of the conflicts within the characters themselves, some more between them. There's a lot of opportunity with struggles with sexuality, with the tension between Jack and Joshua, that there could be more layers of conflict which would enhance the overall story.

Suggestions

I think that if you ever revisit this, it would be great to turn into a longer story. I realize that word count with this type of thing can be difficult but I wonder if you had cut it down and removed some of the middle scenes, would it have been better to do that and add more depth to the characters and more natural flow?

Final Thoughts

This was a good story and I think if it wasn't done for a contest, you could have made it longer and more in-depth to be able to really dive into these characters and the story itself. I would have loved more of a development between each character, to see more of their interactions and just how they were each dealing with every new development in the murder mystery.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477291

Review of Rosary peas

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: E

| (1.0)

Hello Latha K Chirayil

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

The characters felt very one-dimensional. There wasn't depth to them, I couldn't gather emotion from how they acted or what they were doing within the story.

Dialogue

Some of the dialogue seems odd, like it's not fully developed or how individuals speak. None of it really seemed to radiate from the characters, I didn't feel any emotional connection.

Conflict & Conclusion

There really was no conflict in the story and I think that the story suffered for it. There really wasn't anything to draw me in, since this was more of just recounting a memory and didn't seem to go anywhere.

Suggestions

I would recommend to never put a story entirely in Comic Sans font. It can make it difficult to read, and I personally struggled through it because of that.

There are quite a few places in this story with sentence structure issues, including commas where there should be periods and run-on sentences.

Final Thoughts

This story could use a good bit of work. There really is no depth to it. If you were to go back through and add in some more emotion, deepen those characters thoughts and actions, and add some conflict for the characters to deal with it could be much better.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477290

Review of The Novice Vampire Hunter

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello Christopher Roy Denton

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Plot

This was great. I loved

Characters

Each character had their own personality and it was good to see. I think that we got to know the main characters more as the story went on and that made me more invested. At times I did think that Stephen and Jeremy blended together but that was shortly rectified each time.

Story Development & Pacing

I think that the story went a little fast but I also realize the word limit constraint. I did like the development as it went along and thought that it flowed well.

Dialogue

This story was a lot of dialogue and I think that it helped the story overall. Having the dialogue, I could picture the different the characters and then it was more like a script or something playing out while reading, which helped bring it more to life.

Conflict & Conclusion

Good conflict and I think that this wrapped up nicely. I was a little sad that Stephen and Jeremy didn't end up together. The only thing was that, as soon as they went into the crypt, I could anticipate what was going to happen in the end, so a little more twist may have been fun.

Creativity & Originality

I don't know that I've read anything similar before, with the idea of vampires being how you describe them, so that was pretty creative. I also think that having the characters each have their own personalities added to the overall creativity because they could play off one another.

Suggestions

I think if you go back and expand on this, it would be great to add in more world detail around the dialogue to give an even more vivid idea of the world you're building. I also couldn't quite place the time period, which made it a bit difficult to picture the pistol, the clothing the men may have been wearing, and such. Just some of those deeper details would really add to the depth of the story and allow readers to be drawn in further in.

Final Thoughts

This was a great story and I'd love to see it continue to be expanded if you ever had the interest.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477289

Review of Singularity

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello ,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

The characters are very distinct and their banter was well done. I think we got to know the characters a little better through their interactions which was nice, although I would have loved more of their own personal backstory.

Story Development & Pacing

The pace of the story was good, it felt like it moved at a reasonable pace.

Dialogue

The dialogue was well done because it helped us get to know the characters more and progressed the story.

Conflict & Conclusion

I didn't feel like there was a lot of conflict at the beginning, and still no direct conflict the further I got into the story. I think that this was more of a building to future conflict because it made me want to know what happens next.

Final Thoughts

I think this could be the start of something larger and I would really like to see where it goes. It kind of gave my Matrix vibes but without all of the sci-fi elements involved.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477286

Review of Information Warfare

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: ASR

| (2.0)

Hello sinbad,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

There really were no characters, since this was an informational-type article.

Creativity & Originality

This really didn't feel original because I feel like I could go to a news site and see something similar if I were looking for information on this topic.

Suggestions

There are a number of places in here with some spelling mistakes and that detracts from the article.

I would have liked to see more conflict in here. Take the information portion of this piece and incorporate it into a story where there is a character, a plot, something beyond dry delivery of information.

Final Thoughts

I think that you put a lot of thought into this piece but to really make it stand out, it could use more of a story element to make it more intriguing.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477285

Review of Timid souls

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hello ,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

I like that you had both of the characters but we really only got to know one of them. It would have been nice to see some more development between the two, that could have advanced more about the games and given more information about their civilization.

Story Development & Pacing

The beginning of the story was slow and didn't pick up until the middle of the story. I see how it was helpful to build up some of the main character before this point but it would have been much more interesting to have started in the middle where the games started.

Dialogue

There was no dialogue and I think it could have been good if there had been some between the two characters to really develop their relationship and how they both felt about the games.

Conflict & Conclusion

The conflict in this story felt more fabricated, like it didn't really affect the characters at all. I think if there had been more stakes, or we had seen some of the research the main character did and how it affected watching the games or trying to stop them, it would have added some more depth to the story.

Suggestions

The line breaks in this story are distracting and it looks like it was done purposefully, possibly to make lines break on your screen size? On mine, it doesn't let the lines flow to the edges so it makes the story more difficult to read since it is broken up.

There are a number of places where the punctuation doesn't make sense. Quite a few commas where there shouldn't be, so this could be improved with an edit.

Final Thoughts

I think you have an interesting idea for a story here but I would have liked to have seen some more depth of the characters, seen them dealing with more in their world and their interactions with it.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477284

Review of Daring Greatly

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello debmiller1

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

I like that you have a number of characters and that this is from the viewpoint of only one. It would have been nice if they had more interactions and we were able to connect with them on a deeper level.

Story Development & Pacing

The story moved a little quickly and I think that you had enough words left in the contest maximum to be able to drag it out and give more detail of the story itself. This reads like it is a diary type of entry from the oldest child and I think it would have been nice to see that fleshed out a bit more. I can understand if he didn't know how to write well or any of that but it would have been good to slow this down, give more detail and really get the reader more invested in this story and these characters.

Dialogue

Dialogue was minimal and I think it would have been nice to have a bit more, maybe from some of the other children. This could give a bit more into the time period and how all the children behaved together.

Conflict & Conclusion

I get the conflict of the father dying and the journey itself but I feel like it was more glazed over here. I would have liked to hear more about what they went through to get to Oregon and how all of that fed into the main character.

Suggestions

You don't need the title at the beginning of the story, since it is already at the top of the item on the site. It's a little confusing having it in the body of the item because then it feels like a bit of a disconnect not getting right into the story.

In part of the story with children's ages, you use both numbers and the those ages spelled out. It would be best to pick one way to display them and stick with that.

{e::starv} Final Thoughts

This is a good story and I think that if you were to go back and continue to add in those details it could be great.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477283

Review of I'm sorry, I didn't take action.

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Hello Ruth E

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

The narrator is the main character that we get to know but through them, we get to learn about these children and the meeting that was taking place.

Story Development & Pacing

This story was much more of telling what was going on and I wasn't that fond of the way it was handled. I would have loved if this had been more in the setting of sitting down, talking to the youth group and explaining all of this. It would have allowed for more personalities and deeper conflicts to potentially develop the story further.

Conflict & Conclusion

The conflict came more as an internal struggle with the character's previous actions and I would have loved to see a bit more of an external conflict as well. I think it would also be good to see what happens after the letter, how do the youth react and what consequences may come out of the main character's inaction?

Suggestions

I think that this could use some editing. There is some uneven capitalization, punctuation where it doesn't need to be, and just a few grammar issues that should be cleaned up.

Final Thoughts

This is a good idea for a start of a story but could use a bit more editing to smooth it out and really get more out of the characters.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477282

Review of A Desperate Contestant

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: 13+

| (1.0)

Hello The Sun SmilesOn Small Valley

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

There really was no depth to these characters. It would have been nice to see them be developed further and be more relatable.

Story Development & Pacing

This story moved way too quickly. It should be slowed down and more detail added.

Dialogue

The dialogue is hard to follow because of the sounds trying to be added in with other words and some of the odd word choices.

Conflict & Conclusion

The conflict of this story is shallow. There was nothing in there to connect with the characters on an emotional level, no real conflict that they were fighting with.

Suggestions

I think that this story needs some editing. There are sections in the story where it seems like words are missing and others where the correct word wasn't chosen for what is meant to be conveyed. Both of these make this difficult to read.

Final Thoughts

This could be a good story if it is revisited, fleshed out a bit more, and has some editing done with it.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4477278

Review of SpacePlanet Tonkim

Review by

In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

Hello PureSciFi

,

Today I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. For more information with how I rate and review, please see "Invalid Item"

Characters

The characters don't feel like they have a ton of depth. It would have been good to get to know them better, not just the world they're in but actually who they are.

Story Development & Pacing

I think that the pace of this went a little quickly because it was lacking that depth of detail for the characters. Developing the characters more and giving them more dimension would help to develop the story and draw the reader in further.

Dialogue

A lot of the dialogue was odd, mainly because the phrasing didn't make it feel natural.

Conflict & Conclusion

The conclusion is good and helped with some of the conflict but it would have been nice to get deeper into it with the characters to get that conflict on a more intense level.

Suggestions

In the first paragraph of the story, there were a number of improvements that could make this story better with a bit of editing. There should be a comma between "large" and "almost" in the first sentence. The second sentence should be "floor-to-ceiling" and remove "it" at the end. The dialogue portion could be 'sighs, "Why...' and then that first sentence should end with a question mark. The last sentence in that paragraph doesn't need the comma.

That was just the first paragraph so I think that this whole story could really benefit from a deep edit to catch these simple things.

Final Thoughts

You have a good rough draft of a story here and I think with some editing it could definitely be a nice story. Also, I would recommend not using the font that you have for this story, or at the very least don't make the entire thing bold. The combination of those made this harder to read.

All the best,
🦄🏳️‍🌈Sapph

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4176002

Review of SpaceWitches

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (2.0)

Hello! I'm reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: My first suggestion is about the font your story is in. I would say to not use a font that could be difficult to read on a screen (as the one you've used is). Stick to the default font or go with Arial or Verdana as they're easiest to read and don't strain the eye.

I think you need to go back through and make a few edits. At the very beginning you say "the air in Space" but space is a vacuum with no air. I realize this is a story but keeping some real facts helps readers be able to relate more to the story.

Other than that, this just needs some general editing. Most of the phrasing and dialogue seems stiff and unrealistic.

What I Liked: I like the idea of there being witches in space but it needed a better execution.

Overall: This story is a good starting point and I think you can push it off into something more with a little editing.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4175993

Review of Something Horror This Way Comes

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello! I'm reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: There were just two places where you had a misspelled word: "What an thrilling dream" - a, "scared over ninety percent" - scarred

What I Liked: I enjoyed how you gave us some backstory to the witch and there were a number of different parts from horrifying to actually being nice. That's not always something associated with paranormal stories and it was good to see in play here.

Overall: I think this was a great story and enjoyed the ending. I would love to see something else with the witch coming back again or something, since it seems burning to death just can't keep her down.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4175991

Review of Birth of Necromancy: Search For The Twin

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello! I'm reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: This story didn't feel paranormal to me, but more fantasy so personally I don't feel that it fit the prompt of the contest.

What I Liked: I like the world you've been building here, even though it is very confusing to just be reading through it, I feel like much more of it would need to be seen to really get a grasp of it.

Overall: This was a nice story but I don't feel that it was really a fit for the contest.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4175990

Review of Ashes to Ashes

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello! I'm reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Thoughts: I think that you have a good story here with building on the characters and leaving a kind of cliffhanger for the ending.

What I Liked: This was a different kind of take on a paranormal story of not involving ghosts or the like and that was nice.

Overall: Great story! I would love to find out what happens next with these characters and just what ends up causing it.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4165656

Review of No Fairy Tail

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "The LGBT Writing Contest - reopens Feb" . Thanks for entering!.

Thoughts: This was a good poem and I think you really brought a realness to it in the way it was written.

What I Liked: I really enjoyed the way you told this poem, with it being the character speaking to the reader and telling what happened.

Suggestions: I don't know if you meant to do this (would be cute if you did) but in the 2nd to last stanza, you say "fairy tail" instead of "fairy tale."

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4126265

Review of Leave Me a Picture

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Thoughts: This is a nice poem with a good concept behind but the execution really threw me off when I was reading through.

What I Liked: Your descriptions in this piece are nice and helped to bring me into this moment.

Suggestions: You really should go back through here and watch your punctuation (and places where it's lacking). The part that stood out to me first was this:

Bringing with you all the joy and pain
Glittering shards tumbling up from the past
Fragments of a life so short yet endless,

This, with no punctuation there, is read straight through just like a sentence and at the end of those first two lines it feels like there should be a pause, so you would need a comma. There are other places where the sentence goes on and on (and on and on and on) where I think you could make it two or three sentences and it would make the poem more fluid and less jumbled.

I would also suggest adjusting your capitalization so that you only do it at the start of a new sentence. That will help you and your reader understand the flow of how this should be read.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4126261

Review of You are just SOMEONE !!

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (2.0)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Thoughts: I feel like all you did was condense a full story into a poem-like form but this didn't read like a poem at all to me.

What I Liked: I like the concept that you have behind this and the idea of progressing through levels.

Suggestions: You should go back through here and try to condense this down to make it more poetic. You don't have to explain everything or use such long lines to get everything across. If you focus it in on just what is necessary to get the feelings and concept to the reader it will be more of a poem and read more smoothly. Something like this:

Finally,
a proposal
a smile answers a hundred questions
silence throws a thousand

And that way you're narrowing down the unnecessary words and really bringing the essence into focus.

You had a few instances where you said "hundred ___" and with each of those it should be "a hundred ___".

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4126249

Review of He Brings Me No Flowers

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Thoughts: I think that the actions you described here are nice and, as a reader, we can take those kinds of things as being romantic in their own way.

What I Liked: The repeating line of each stanza was my favorite part because it gave a humorous quality along with the romantic aspects.

Suggestions: I think this would actually be stronger without your last two lines. They pull from the power of the rest of the piece.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4126243

Review of Forever (To my wife of 40 short years)

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Thoughts: I think that you did a great job with this piece and really brought in that emotion from finding the love until now. I liked that you were able to take it from beginning to end and give that rounded story to this.

What I Liked: The flow of this poem and the rhyme was done wonderfully and really kept me reading along with this until the end.

Suggestions: In the last two stanzas, you use the word 'life' three times and it makes that part lose a little of the power that the rest of the piece had. I think if you could find a way to replace at least one of them, preferably two, it would make it much stronger of a finish.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4126242

Review of Gatsby Romance

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your poem as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Thoughts: I think this poem was done nicely and told a nice story in a fun way.

What I Liked: I enjoyed that you caught some of the fun aspects of a beginning love in here with that 'Run away!' section. It shows those beginning feels of anxiety with a new relationship that a lot writers don't show.

Suggestions: This is a bit of a personal thing, but I would avoid using the Comic font in a piece. It's harder to read for a long period of time, especially online.

Throughout the piece, I think you're missing a few periods to show where the sentences end. You're using other punctuation so it feels odd to not have those in there. You should always remember to either use all punctuation or none at all.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4085461

Review of My name is Jay and This is my life

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: This story was a tad bit boring. I couldn't really get into the story, like I wasn't feeling a sense of urgency with the bear. I feel like there should have been something to really pull me in and I kept waiting for it, especially with the action of the bear, but it wasn't there.

What I Liked: I enjoyed the kind of setup you have for the story, the idea with it and the setting is nice.

Overall: This was a good story but it failed to really pull me in.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4085453

Review of My Best Friend And Hero

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: When you're writing a story, watch your spacing. Having a full line break between paragraphs is far easier to read than how you have it formatted.

I think how you did this story really gave way for you telling more than showing what was happening. If you just told the story without the introduction and did it in the present, I think it would have been better.

What I Liked: I enjoyed the tension with the mountain lion that you had happening.

Overall: This was a nice story but I think it could be reworked a bit to really get your reader feeling what's going on.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4085445

Review of On Top of Dog Mountain

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Suggestions: I think that it would have been a better story to focus on the trip the characters were taking rather than all the backstory. It didn't seem necessary.

What I Liked: I enjoyed the idea that you had for this story in trying to bring the characters to life.

Overall: This story wasn't bad but it wasn't very exciting. It didn't grip me and make me want to keep reading. A little more focus on the present and getting to experience the hike would have done better than being told how they acquired the house.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4005288

Review of Final Goodbye

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Thoughts: This story took a path that was expected and I think it could be improved with some work.

Suggestions: 1) "Her dad who was" - need a comma between dad and who.

2) "Helena, went on to medical" - no comma needed here.

3) "However, along with her advanced stage of Alzheimer’s disease, she developed problems swallowing food which caused respiratory issues due to aspiration. She also developed sleep apnea, which was frightening to both of them." - This whole section felt a little off. I feel like it should have been space out a bit more, given room to breathe with each medical thing mentioned. Also using developed twice so closely together didn't work.

What I Liked: I liked how you had a slight bit of conflict in here with the Alzheimer's.

Overall: The story here was really traditional and I could tell how it was going to end from the start. I was left wanting some more conflict that would have pulled me into the mind of the character, into that particular setting. I would have rather you focused on how the disease affected them and give me all of that personalization instead of the backstory of the characters.

I rarely give 5 stars because there is always room for improvement somewhere.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I review for:

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"The WDC Angel Army"

"Angel In-Depth Reviews"

"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP"

And Other Fun Things.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4005284

Review of Crash Landing

Review by

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a Sapph Review and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!.

Thoughts: I really like the direction you took the prompt with this story. It was interesting.

Suggestions: You have some technical issues in here that I feel could have been caught on a thorough read through of the story. A couple that caught my eye:

"...comfortably on her comfy couch, watching her favorite show, when a suddenly she..." - This had two issues with it, comfortable and comfy don't both need to be there and the 'a' before suddenly shouldn't be there.

These issues were throughout the story and could be fixed with a little editing.

What I Liked: I liked how you kept up the drama of what was happening and how it led to the ending. I did, however, see the ending coming, so maybe a little extra twist there would have helped. Maybe it wasn't her father, but a neighbor caught her while she running and almost fell and that's how it ended. Something unexpected.

Overall: This was a fun story to read. Thanks for sharing!

I rarely give 5 stars because there is always room for improvement somewhere.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I review for:

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"The WDC Angel Army"

"Angel In-Depth Reviews"

"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP"

And Other Fun Things.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sapphire_black