I'm going to break from my normal routine of reviewing just this one time!
WHY I DISLIKED (and liked) THIS STORY (despite myself):
I think, truly think, this story is out to get me.
I want, soul deep want, to give this story a 5.0 in the rating system. If there was a 4.99 rating, I would issue it without a qualm. But let's face it here, I've been with Writing.Com (formerly Stories.Com) for over two years now. In that time span I have issued a meek 4 works the distinction of a 5.0. With none of these 4 works did I stumble or second guess my choice rating offered.
But I am stumbling now.
This is NOT because the story was not well written (It was).
Nor is it because the point of view happens to be in first person narration AND the point of view follows the narrators train-of-thought. (Which, by the way, very few people in the world could ever pull off!)(One of them being Terry Pratchet.)
I have no problems with the excellent character/scene/plot development. ("Water dripped off the tip of my nose and I waved my bottle of conditioner threateningly. The/adrenalin running through my veins was breaking all sorts of world land-speed records. I was/ready for anything they might try. Just let them-/My feet chose that exact moment to remove themselves from beneath me, no doubt curious to/see what all the raucous was about. My legs shot skyward in several directions and I landed with/a painful thud at the bottom of the tub. I lay there like an upturned beetle and it was several/moments before I could distinguish bones from bruises./“Thing is,” the man called John continued calmly without missing a beat. “This ain’t gone an’/happened since I used to sit on me granddaddy’s knee.”)
Nor are there any problems with maintaining the conflict or the flow of the story! (I swear to you this is a really great story!)
BUT
What is really holding me back here are the 12 opening lines. Your conflict takes a little time to get to (lines 8/9: "...I was in a place where I wasn’t sure I wanted to be, but didn’t have any/choice but to be...") And to get to the conflict you have to wade through 8 or 9 lines which do NOT enhance the story/poem. In fact, lines 9 through 12 should be shortened considerably, due to the confusion they cause when reading them. (Keep in mind the average reader has a 5th grade reading level.)
(Ok, I am NOT insulting anyone HERE, of course. But I did read this story wondering if you truly intended to get it published. And you just know the common reader-who-does-not-belong-to-writing-dot-com would read the first five lines and throw it away. And Because, if you do submit this for formal publication...you're going to have to change the piece's designation from short story to poem. I don't know of any short story publisher who would even give half a thought to publishing a piece that looks like this.)
(Ok, I could be wrong too!)
Again, BUT
I feel that you had a great idea of what and how you wanted to write this piece. I also feel that it took you a little bit to get into the stride of the story. And, when comparing the neat flow of the body of the story/scenes/character/plot/themes to the cluttered stop-and-go flow of the first 12 sentances, I think this first section needs some tightening up.
And
I feel almost the same way about the cousin, when she shows up. And as much as I'd like you to hurry the story along I also accept the fact that she is much needed in the story as a way to give some temporary relief, AND as a way to further enhance how the family sees the character, AND as a perfect foil for the furniture. Lets face it, the cousin and the furniture are crazy. The cousin is just as believably crazy as the furniture. Both, however, have made great strides to ignore the presence of the other!
So...
Despite all the (genearlly minor) misgivings I have about this story I have decided to award it only my 5th 5.0 rating.
Please, Please, Please....change nothing in the story!
Sammie.
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