This is an incredible story - I can only imagine the reaction of the teacher and the author. The report stunned and shocked me as I read it. The way it was presented was in such a way that to a person unfamiliar with the Holocaust, it wouldn't make as much of an impact as some who knows about the Holocaust. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this - I had forgotten how great a read this was! You have woven suspense, creativity, supernaturalism and so many other things into this. I am impressed! I want to know when you update so I can read more. This truly is a great read -
Wow - this was a great chapter! The plot twists just keep on coming, don't they! I didn't find any technical or grammar errors in this one - it's simply a great piece of fiction! You have done a great job crafting this story and I can't wait to finish it!
On the beach a few paces from where Maya sat, Chloe walked along the beach admiring the lake. Maybe: Chole walked along the shore admiring the lake. You've already established they are on the beach - the repetition of the word is distracting.
That's all - great suspenseful ending - see you at the next chapter!
With numerous pointings of her stylus, she found the games menu and got to her favorite: Bejewled. Rock - an angel playing Bejeweled - oops, just caught the typo above -
To her, those were times that she was a blacksmith, crafting the couples before her apprentices' eyes. I like the incorporation of the chapter title here - very nicely done.
He's like a blacksmith, learning how to craft the words into a convincing story, she thought. Again, good use of the title
At that notion, she shook her head. No need for the comma
Hooray!! I finally get to finish - at least I'll try to finish the novel.
"It says Welcome to the Heavenly Database," she said. I don't know if it should be "It says 'Welcome to the Heavenly Database'," she said, or if it should stay as it is. I guess it's artistic license
"Step on it!" Tee hee - an ant saying this
"Go on up to the second floor," Chloe whispered. It's right by the stairs." Add quotation mark in front of It's
And an absolutely evil ending! On to the next chapter
I am so glad that I found this piece. My husband was just diagnosed with MS a week ago and just last night I told him that I would tell him I love him as often as I could, evven though he said that he knows I love him. Life is short and fleeting, and you never know what will happen. Thank you for sharing such an emotional and meaningful piece of writing.
The second stanza of this piece really grabbed me - the imagery of banishment and separation help to drive home the message of the piece without knocking the reader over the head with it. This is an extremely well crafted poem and one that deserves a lot of attention!
This is another great piece - I am in awe of the last stanza. The lines about sitting under the Apple and being an Armadillo are great examples of the way that you use your writing to convey so much. I am, as always, impressed with your writing - thanks for sharing!
I am impressed that you were able to be this emotional and honest with an anonymous person - they obviously meant a great deal to you. I love the last stanza - it is so beautifully written and the imagery is outstanding. This is a very nice piece that you have here -
Bryan is-- or was my boyfriend. Put in another dash - Bryan is -- or was -- my boyfriend
I'm going to teach that son-of-a-bitch, not to mess with me. Remove the commas
I check the back door, "why is it locked? He never locks up his car at home." Capitalize Why
As the recognition hits him, he jerks around, "what the hell are you doing, Diane? Get out of my car!" Capitalize What
Shoving the gun further into his side, in a low, stern voice, I tell him, "drive!" Capitalize Drive
He backs out of the driveway, "turn right, we're taking a little trip, Bryan. Capitalize Turn
You remember my fathers' cabin in the mountains? father's
I brought the gun up, "stupid move, Bryan." "Stupid move, Bryan"
Ow...oh s__t! You shot me. You could have killed me!" "Ow ...oh s__t! You shot me. You could have killed me!"
Perfect, for what I have in mind. No need for the comma
"You crazy, b___h!" No need for the comma
Bouncing from him walking down the hill, I tell him, "things are going to be different now. Capitalize Things
I feel his hands on each side of me, Period instead of a comma
"I knew you loved me. We're perfect for each other. I'm going to make you...Bryan, what are you doing? I love...the water splashed all around me. Should be:
"I knew you loved me. We're perfect for each other. I'm going to make you...Bryan, what are you doing? I love..." The water splashed all around me.
I start to panick when my hand came loose out of the rope. panic
Thanks for sharing! I hope you don't think I was too harsh - you have a great story here with so much potential!
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typo - a instead of aa
LOVE the twin's names - Mary and Cate!
Maybe: Chole walked along the shore admiring the lake. You've already established they are on the beach - the repetition of the word is distracting.
Rock - an angel playing Bejeweled - oops, just caught the typo above - 
Tee hee - an ant saying this