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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rustgold
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18 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of the bullied  Open in new Window.
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
In parts of this piece, your potential writing ability shows; however, you do need to correct a number of things.

You have 'odd' phrase choices which don't gel with your sentences.
Much of your story is disjointed, and there appears to be bits missing.
Parts of your story don't seem to have any real value, and don't elevate it.

I like your ability to put sentences together, you just need to knit these together effectively. I've given this particular piece 1.5 due to its disjointed nature and lack of cognitive structure, but I'm sure your writing can show its potential.
2
2
Review of Bambi is Evil  Open in new Window.
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Quote : "The hunters killed the animals, true"
This bit lost me.

Most of your story flows well. Is your comma omission deliberate?
3
3
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I feel you could turn this piece from average to brilliant if you focus a bit more energy on showcasing the ease of becoming trapped in an initially subtle snare. The beguiling insidious turn from ever gentlemanly flowers and gifts to violent thug is more terrifying and has a greater impact than battery itself, and will deliver more to your intended audience.
4
4
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Nice enough story, but you didn't give the reader any reason to continue reading.
5
5
Review of The Wilderness  Open in new Window.
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
First line was better than average

Quote : "fresh as the tepid blood dripping from his savage teeth as he passed by trees,"

I found this tongue twistingly awkward.

Quote : "The deer had been no enemy"

The moment I read this, I saw that you wanted to guarantee acceptance in the reader. However, personally, it diminishes what your main character is into beige.

You're looking to make a typical love story, but I wonder whether you could make your story more enticing by be-beiging him.
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Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I can't say I love your phrasing

Quote : "at fairly close intervals"
"For an interminable time",
"Ai'Liel rode the storm, in this manner"
"massive pressure, it seemed."

Quote : "maddened rush. The storm seeming"
This is written in a manner suggesting one sentence.

I hope this is part of a larger piece, for it'll be disappointing otherwise.
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7
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Quote : "The Child With the Broken Soul; a child born of the worst humans, it will be able to feel the emotions of others but it cannot feel its own. It will be physically strong, intelligent, and will have a dark side. The Child With the Broken Soul represents humanity and its darker half. It too is made connected to one of the elements of the planet. The Seer, the wisest of them all, will have the ability to look into its own past and future. It will be kind hearted and peaceful by nature and will know only good. It, like the Child With the Broken Soul, will represent a part of humanity–the light half."

This part that's a lot to read, and interrupts a great easy to read flow of the prologue.

I'm also unsure whether it'd make a great conversion to a large novel (or novel series). I take it that you're seeking to create 5 heroes who'll be the basis of your series. You could be throwing the novel into a direction the wonderful prologue mightn't be designed for.

The prologue's good, it's just a question of whether it fits well with your story.
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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Review by Rustgold Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Quote : "It's haunted, you know," Becky said.
"What's haunted?" Johnny asked.
"The Fun House," Becky responded. "Kids at school said so."

You probably don't need your second Becky, for readers will know she's still talking.


Quote: ""That wasn't a fair fight." I knew Becky could handle herself"

I'd put it all in one sentence (a fair fight," but I knew).

Overall, it's a gripping story.
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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rustgold