In parts of this piece, your potential writing ability shows; however, you do need to correct a number of things.
You have 'odd' phrase choices which don't gel with your sentences.
Much of your story is disjointed, and there appears to be bits missing.
Parts of your story don't seem to have any real value, and don't elevate it.
I like your ability to put sentences together, you just need to knit these together effectively. I've given this particular piece 1.5 due to its disjointed nature and lack of cognitive structure, but I'm sure your writing can show its potential.
I feel you could turn this piece from average to brilliant if you focus a bit more energy on showcasing the ease of becoming trapped in an initially subtle snare. The beguiling insidious turn from ever gentlemanly flowers and gifts to violent thug is more terrifying and has a greater impact than battery itself, and will deliver more to your intended audience.
Quote : "fresh as the tepid blood dripping from his savage teeth as he passed by trees,"
I found this tongue twistingly awkward.
Quote : "The deer had been no enemy"
The moment I read this, I saw that you wanted to guarantee acceptance in the reader. However, personally, it diminishes what your main character is into beige.
You're looking to make a typical love story, but I wonder whether you could make your story more enticing by be-beiging him.
Quote : "The Child With the Broken Soul; a child born of the worst humans, it will be able to feel the emotions of others but it cannot feel its own. It will be physically strong, intelligent, and will have a dark side. The Child With the Broken Soul represents humanity and its darker half. It too is made connected to one of the elements of the planet. The Seer, the wisest of them all, will have the ability to look into its own past and future. It will be kind hearted and peaceful by nature and will know only good. It, like the Child With the Broken Soul, will represent a part of humanity–the light half."
This part that's a lot to read, and interrupts a great easy to read flow of the prologue.
I'm also unsure whether it'd make a great conversion to a large novel (or novel series). I take it that you're seeking to create 5 heroes who'll be the basis of your series. You could be throwing the novel into a direction the wonderful prologue mightn't be designed for.
The prologue's good, it's just a question of whether it fits well with your story.
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