-Accurate depiction of people addicted to caffeine who don't get their morning coffee. :)
-Good use of descriptive words.
What I Would Change
-I'm not really sure what happened. You don't explain the fog, or what kind of creature it is that gets Mason in the end.
-Your abrupt ending left me feeling rather confused. Perhaps you could take a couple of lines and explain a couple of things?
Overall Feelings
-Overall, I thought this story was fair. With a little more work, it could be better.
-It had a good flow up until the end when it ended so suddenly.
Great job, and keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
-It is difficult to write about loss like this, but you did a good job conveying your emotions.
-A good rhythm throughout.
-Rhyme scheme is good through most of the poem.
What I Would Change
-Your rhyme scheme is abab, but in your first stanza, your second and fourth lines don't rhyme. It's hard to rhyme a word like 'powerful', but with a little legwork, it can be done.
-Your last stanza, second line, you use 'u'. Please take the time to write out the entire word, text speak is very jarring and distracting in an otherwise great poem.
Overall Feelings
-Overall this was a good poem. With a couple of changes, it can be a great one!
-My heart really goes out to you. Having experienced profound loss, I can empathize. Writing can be a great way to facilitate healing. Keep it up.
Great job, and keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
~Things I Liked~
-I like the topic! I've been fascinated by Dissociative Identity Disorder since I read Sybil.
-I thought this was written quite well.
-You communicated your thoughts and fears clearly without sacrificing flow or rhythm.
~Things I Would Change~
-I think the phrase 'the fear' after your line 'not being touched' is repetitive. Maybe you inserted that for a reason? I don't think the poem needs it.
-Likewise with the line 'the overwhelming fear of making people angry with you'. The first three words of that phrase again seem redundant, although perhaps you did that for effect and to emphasize the overwhelming nature of that particular fear.
~Overall Feelings~
-I really liked this piece. It was easy to read and flowed well. Very well written.
~Things I Liked~
-This poem is fairly easy to relate to.
-It flows well and has a good rhythm to it.
-The author makes it clear the depth of feeling you put into this piece.
~Things I Would Change~
-I have to admit, the beginning of the poem doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The phrase 'From fame, success, knowledge to love potions' just....I just don't get it. Maybe you could change the wording a bit to make your meaning clearer?
-This phrase also seems a bit awkward: 'Succeed, will I be able to?' I understand you inverted it to keep within your rhyme scheme, but this is quite jarring. Again, maybe some rewording would be possible.
~Overall Feelings~
-Overall, I like this poem fairly well. I think the phrases I pointed out need to be changed in order for this poem to flow better. The rest of the poem is good, and the entire thing is well-written. Those couple of phrases are just a bit awkward.
~Things I Liked~
-First of all, you used correct spelling and grammar. A small thing, maybe, but I think one of the most important.
-You do have some rhyming throughout the poem, but it doesn't feel forced.
-The topic you chose is one that is easily identified with, which also makes your piece easier to read
~Things I Would Change~
-Really the only change I would make would be the formatting. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I prefer poetry to be formatted into stanzas, etc. Breaking it up a little bit would make it easier to read.
~Overall Feelings~
-Overall, I liked this piece. It was a little difficult to read with it formatted the way you have it, but other than that, I think it's quite good. If you were to change that, I think it would be pretty perfect!
This poem is breathtaking. An excellent choice of topic for the format you've written in. It flows beautifully, and has an almost musical quality to it--very reminiscent of the music of the shehnai. I couldn't offer any words of criticism. This poem is truly perfect.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rubyprincess
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:51am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
