This was really beautiful! I have to say that I was in awe at each of your enlightened lines, as they played out. Bravo!
On specifics, I will basically take you through the stanzas with me, asking questions. Take what you will from my responses....
The beginning of the poem is in present tense, which you quickly switched to past tense. I believe either could work, though you must obviously choose just one!! (I would vote for the entire thing in present tense, though).
In this first stanza, I am picturing you in a room with the literal four doors... the "fool" I am assuming, from the rest of your poem, may actually be the mask of a wise person (the opposite), though I am not sure of the relation this person has to you. Are you at some personal fork in the road, at a judgement point, or....? That could mean this is a person within you: your conscience, your decision maker, etc. Not sure where I'm going, just my reflections.
At the same time, I felt as if the reason for a "fool" was trickery. Was this person trying to trick you into thinking you are at the worst time in your life by telling you that you are at the bottom of your rope? It's all about perception, right?
Second stanza, my own personal reaction would be for my heartbeat to rise, so I was unsure how this was a calming moment... peace that the last stage of your life is over? Just reflections...
Line 3 and 4 of the second stanza confused me a little, though: "How can I live my life knowing, / that I ever chose?" Should this become "never"? Or am I missing the point that you don't want to choose any of these doors?
All the aspects of the Hate door work well together. Just want to make a comment about the door "reading" red. I rather feel as thought the door spoke to your rather than read to you, but that is personal opinion on word choice.
As for the Love door, dove/love work well together... as they are often paired in literature, probably based on the same reason that you chose them, for their rhyming. I find two things interesting: 1. that love was warming to you after you were just in "the fire" of Hell/Hate. 2. that you were able to get yourself out of the "grasp" of the Hate door. I wanted to feel like the Hate door was really taking you away from yourself and swallowing you to the point that you had to be saved by the Love door... or maybe the fool (because he wanted to torture you some more?) Anyway... perhaps that is thinking off the course of the poem, especially because this is about incorrect perceptions in the first place.
For the Pain door, I just want you to make sure that the reason you chose the door to be "plain" is for some reason other than rhyme. IMHO, I don't think of pain matching with simplicity... but that is perhaps a problem with perception... haha.. ha. ha?
Otherwise, I really like the imagery of the word "pain" carved into the wood and that it caused you to step back.
I loved the cage for Fate... even though it is a rather commonly paired idea, I didn't expect it. That happens to be my current obsession: when a sentence is written with the hardest hitting point as the last word... like a good line of comedy. As for the actual wording, though, it felt a little bit forced. "Painted there was a locked cage / within it the word fate." Simply a problem with the syllables, I think. I was trying to think of alternatives to pose to you, but it started me thinking about how paint my not be quite permanent enough for this imagery anyway. Paint fades... and our first perception of the Fate door is supposed to be one of caged permanence... as in you are LOCKED INTO DESTINY. Perhaps it is a stone cage? Metal? Just some thoughts...
Once you opened the doors, my eyes got wide because I finally was with you on your journey to enlightenment. I love the idea of reconciled hate and pugnacious love. Perhaps you can see if there is another word for scene, though, because it is too similar for "obscene/scene" (personal opinion).
I didn't personally understand your enlightened Pain door. She WAS in pain, but it was beautiful? I'm assuming I completely missed the point. Wait... she is in the process of having the baby? Okay, that makes more sense... but still isn't a new way to look at pain? Still confused.
I also got lost in your enlightened Fate stanza. I'm with you on the idea of multiple roads rather than the assumed idea of fate pushing your through a predestined path... but I'm not sure what sharing has to do with it. Is it about the converging roads of people sharing paths by sharing lives and therefore sharing the burden of fate?? Sorry, just got lost on that one.
To me, the next stanza shows the fool's wisdom, but I'm lost again on: "to test on what couldn't know." Is this that the world would not expect you to take a path without knowing it first? If so, I would have to disagree. But that is personal philosophy. And I'm not sure I got your point, I guess.
I liked the penultimate stanza, though I didn't know who the "race" refers to? Humanity?
And the last stanza is a great wrap up on converging paths, for we all have to face hate, love, pain, and ultimately, their fates and all the twists and turns that they each hate. Not to end on confusion, though... I wasn't sure what power you/your character suddenly has to "heal the land." Is this refering to humanity (the race) that you will now enlighten about hate, love, pain, and fate? Or am I off-base?
All in all... thanks for the read. I loved the poem and I love anything that tests my perception of reality.
I would love to re-read and review your changes if you are interested.
Thanks!
Ruby |
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