On the whole this was good. It was engaging and pulled me in. Not entirely in love with the monster, but hey!
Your sentences are sometimes word heavy. This generates drag and slows down the pace and flow.
That I do not belong here. It keeps me awake thinking of this.
That I don’t belong. It keeps me awake.
Sleep just will not come to me.
Sleep won’t come.
There is no way there can be more of this…
There’s no way there can be more of this…
More of it rose out of the water.
More of it rose from the water.
With a sigh I sit up and I swing my legs from under the covers and slide my feet into my slippers.
I sit up. Swing my legs from under the covers, sliding feet into my slippers.
I stand and slowly make my way out of the bedroom to the small hallway.
I drag myself, more asleep than awake to the hallway.
Beware adverbs – slowly, etc. Stephen King warns of them saying they serve no purpose, guess he should know.
The small hallway. You’ve told us about the hallway, hm okay. In a way you’ve put the reader at arms length with this description, because now we no longer have to picture it, that stops the reader from engaging his imagination. By alternatively saying, the hallway, the reader provides his own image, he works with you now painting his own picture and using his imagination.
Beware of starting a sentence with Then
Then I noticed smaller fires.
I noticed smaller fires.
Then some movement caught my eye.
Some movement caught my eye.
Then as if on cue.
As if on cue.
A couple of SPAGS
The tall oak trees that lined sides of the lake
The tall oak trees that lined THE sides of the lake.
As it pick another up and fed.
As it picked up another and fed.
Where the horror I witnessed was now was just…
Too many was too close together, causes confusion.
Well, hope you found this helpful. Good luck.
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