Hi Alex,
I am a history person. That's what I went to college for, and was a history teacher for a time, so your subject matter really appealed to me. I always like to read about different cultures. Being from the South myself, I can identify with a lot of what the main character is saying. To be honest with you the only two recommendations I really have are that you may want to establish a narrator or insert your voice in the story to break up the story a little to give the reader a little rest from reading the dialect, and you may also want to look at consistency of word usage as far as letters dropped from words and also perhaps words that may seem outside the characters normal vocabulary. I think this would also give it a personal touch as well; make the story have meaning and worth. But I really would like to see where it all goes.
Hi, James Dean,
I am a huge old movie buff and really enjoy anything to do with movie stars from the Golden Age of Cinema. I really enjoyed the idea you had here. A recollection by Katherine Hepburn is something that would really touch a fan of hers. I have seen most of her movies, as well as interviews, and listened to her narrations of documentaries and such. That being said, when I read something that is by her then I can hear her voice and know the words that would come out of her mouth. I think the feelings expressed, and the exchanges are good, but I think the words used to express her thoughts could use some work. The only other thing that took away from a comfortable read were some run-on sentences. I have a problem with comma and semi-colon use so I have a friend that proofs my writing for me. At least she doesn't use red or the pages would be bleeding. I really think with a little work this could be a very enjoyable piece all around.
The Magic Jellybean is a good idea that sends a great message to children today. Going back in time is always a good way to pull an audience into the story. One thing I am lucky to have is someone I can trust to read my stories before I post it here. That person tells me where most of my grammar problems are. Even with 20 years of writing behind me, I am not the greatest at the grammar part; punctuation shoots me in the foot...love those commas and semi-colons. Also one thing that takes me time to make sure is right is the flow of the story; does it move from one part to the next in such a way that allows the reader to understand what is happening easily. I think with some revision this story could be a good one. If you do choose to revise please let me know so I can review it again. I would love to see what you do to it.
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