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This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
Dear Minnie - thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work. Below I provide my critique - please take no offence at any criticism, they are only suggestions and might well be incorrect.
Overall Impression:
What I liked:
1. From the off, let me just say this story did the trick, or the trick I believe you wanted to play. It definitely shocked me, definitely angered me, left me wallowing in the injustice. Honestly, I got so angry over it! Well done.
2. I liked how the storm started brewing as the evil events unfurled, with the unsheathing of the knife like lightning, that was very apt.
3. You write efficiently, evocatively, with simple yet proficient imagery, and with a good sense of pace so I never felt bored. It's pretty well edited, I couldn't locate many grammatical faults.
4. I thought the speech was realistic, seems like the correct vernacular (I'm no authority however, not being an American myself). It all felt authentic, bar a few exceptions which I cover below.
What I didn't like:
1. Straight away - I hope this isn't borderline blasphemy - but I think this story would have been made (perhaps significantly) better, were you to syphon off that word count from the intro and ending, into the main body...just have written the whole thing as a memory. I felt the beginning and end didn't really add much - nothing beyond a sense of semi justice at the (natural) passing away of the judge, of whom we have no more corroborating information, no more characterisation or dimension than his passivity in the face of an horrendous crime, and tight lipped racism. It took away from the piece, made me slightly confused when you suddenly jumped into the memory, and felt artificial. That's in the context of a memory that was vivacious, shocking, very much alive!
2. I hankered for a tiny anhcor to Toby's looks, just perhaps one sentence of visual description. All I got was that he was black and young-ish...just even one simple visual adjective and he would have come more alive.
Language/Logic/Grammar/Edit Suggestions
A couple of the metaphors/phrases might benefit from a little change or rethink. And a few areas had suspect logic. My suggestions:
1. Paragraph 1, in the space of 2 sentences you use 3 metaphors (mind archive, ember, resurrect-ghost). It feels like trying a bit too hard, perhaps a bit too jumpy with the imagery. I read a rule somewhere what you ought to try limit a metaphor/simile to one per sentence, so you don't tire the reader out.
2. In paragraph 2, you mention the draft winding down, but then taking the scholarship and running. If the draft was winding down why would you make it more urgent that you 'run off' as compared to when the draft was in full flow under LBJ? It might make more sense just to say the draft was still on. Unless of course, he is running because of what is revealed later in the story - but you don't make that logic connection in this paragraph.
3. End of paragraph 2 - demonic demeanor feels incorrect - a demeanor is something you'd attribute to a person, not an inanimate object. You could just get away with saying 'though the gnarled branches of the oak loomed out to reach at me from between the headstones, I ran onwards, never looking back.'
4. i began to unlock the file - repeating the metaphor from before, and I wasn't a huge fan because it isolates the idea of a memory a bit too much, in fact it literally reads like you are grabbing at a file and opening it. it feels like a forced/artifical transition into 'the memory' - another reason why I reckon it would be better to omit the intro altogether. This might just be my taste though.
5. inertial arc - a physical object may have inertia, an arc cannot.
6. Daddy - would a late teen (I assumed late teen because of concerns regarding the draft?) be using the word 'Daddy'? Unless this is actually Mississippi vernacular, in which case disregard my point.
7. What is sitting 'Indian Style'? Is that sitting cross legged? It didn't make automatic sense to me as a London reader though it might to an American. Just worth a thought.
8. shake their heads, disapprovingly, when they saw as together Firstly, no need for the commas here. Secondly, in fictional writing, the adverb is our mortal enemy, try to limit its use where you can. Why? Because it tells, doesn't show. It is often a replacement for a strong verb, and they often break sentence flow. A suggestion here, would be to omit it entirely. If you weren't comfortable with that, say something like 'seen the town-folk tut and shake their heads' - gives more imagery, puts across their disapproval, avoids the treacherous adverb!
9. Is 'don't have a cow man' also authentic vernacular? The only other place I remember hearing it is on the SImpsons - of course they may have taken that phrase from the deep south. Please excuse my ignorance if thats the case!
10. As we weaved...I had never seen before - this paragraph - you use 'gnarled' for the second time. Not a major issue but because it is an uncommon word, and you use it within the space of a page or two, I definitely noticed it. Its like when JK Rowling uses the word 'surreptitious' about a thousand times in each Harry Potter book - it can be annoying! Also, I don't think it adds much value saying the girl was stuck under the sixth man, it feels like a little to carefully constructed an image - can just say she was stuck under one of them.
11. Toby's voice was both bold and unafraid? Those 2 adjectives are practically the same, not helped much by calling it a man's voice, repetition of information x 3. I'm sure there's a way of making his speech more unique here, it is after-all amongst the last words he says.
12. Toby swung at...in the grass - needs a rewording, subject becomes confused between Toby and one of the rapists.
13. pleading look of pure love - what is that? I know what you're trying to get at but show, don't tell!
14. nice, warm house never use 'nice' as an adjective.
15. what the Wilson boys were doing to Toby 'to Toby' is pleonastic - omit.
16. newly acquired education - i don't think one bit of knowledge would justify 'an education' - perhaps just 'newly acquired knowledge'
17. cried, helplessly, with a rage i'd never felt before omit 'helplessly'
With only a couple of changes here and there, I think this can become a 5 star piece, no problem. Please continue writing gripping fiction!
regards,
Robert Tailor
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