First, welcome to writing.com. It's probably one of the better places to get feedback. Not necessarily the best site to get widely read. Try shortstories101.com or short-fiction.co.uk for that.
I liked the honesty of your story. I felt your feelings through your words. That's a big positive in my book. Quite a few people just sound so fake and made up no matter how fancy they try to dress it up with too much description or long winded wording. Now, speaking of words. If you were trying to convey an innocent, uncomplicated character, this works well too. It's the darkness coming from the mouth of a young girl. It works. However, if this is not what you were striving for, but wanted a more darker feel to the whole story, a few choice words changed here and there and a few other words added to add another layer of description would do that. Ignore this comment if I'm wrong.
Here's the first two paragraphs with what I mean and a few grammatical adjustments:
I aimlessly wander the old garden a great deal. It was my favorite place of solace, that is, when I was alive. I used to walk among its roses and lilies, inhaling their wonderful fragrances, and listening for the wildlife which often roamed nearby. I’m not dead by choice. They used to tell me I was too young to even think about something so morbid, so dark; now, I'm a twenty-three year old ghost, wandering the desolate ruins of what used to be my home.
I didn’t leave this life due to sickness, a heart attack, or dying in my sleep. It wasn’t something extraordinary either like a horrific murder or a freak accident. I did it to myself – I was too dumb to know what I was doing.
Anyway, just my two cents.
Sometimes it helps to write, then put it away and read it a few days later as if you're reading it for the first time. It works for me.
The only dark story I've written is Lex Talionis if curious. Just be warned it is somewhat graphically violent but not for its own sake. It's Flash Fiction too.
Hi,
It's funny cause it's true!
I like it and it's fine the way it is, so any comments would just be my personal view.
But, I wouldn't give the joke away so quickly. Change the title to something actually scary to throw the
reader off. Then build it up slowly like a horror piece. Develop the description gradually from something that
sounds horrific to the actual plastic surgery descriptions etc. So when someones reading at some point they
say to themselves - Hey! wait, OK, I get it. Sort of the "Aha moment.":
They walk among us, with expressionless, unblinking eyes that reveal little thought or awareness of self...
Or in the very beginning, you can talk about how you fear them in an introspective way, or by talking directly
to the reading by warning them. I'm thinking something H.P. Lovecraft like:
I am writing this for the bulk of humanity who are unaware of the horrors I bare witness to...
Rob.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/robertmoons
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:55pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
