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Wow you are amazing. Love this. Very intricate and requiring at least three readings to begin to understand and perceive the accuracy and depth. I think this is the best poem I've read here so far. You are an awesome writer and I will check out more of your stuff.
On only my own behalf, welcome to writing.com. This is a good start. it's almost like a poem. I don't understand 'dumped' for the grass. do you mean the leftovers from a lawnmower? Then expand on that because it's a good image.
- away of - I think you meant away from. the last line, she had to, seems unfinished.
Keep writing. RT
Although you think poetry is not your genre you have a very natural ability. That sing-song you sense is rhythm and important even in free form poetry. Punctuation is your prerogative, I wouldn't worry about that. Sometimes you rhyme and sometimes you don't. Getting consistency either way might help. Keep writing!!
Your poem has some great images and sounds. the moon howl wolf; touch of this lantern (the warm handle?). The second verse could continue on with images rather than going to simple feelings. I think that would make your poem far more powerful. You need to do a spellcheck though.
Good writing.
rt
Hi, hope this helps you improve. It's great to be open to help, let's face it, poetry means edit edit edit.
I keep thinking from me: I keep thinking - from me -
my eyes they begin tearing
its only been minutes
already I'm missing you dear: try to make this more rhythmic.
they do play like a movie: "that play like a movie"?
In one, you're hollering at me angrily: You holler at me angrily?
I'm telling you that I can still hear you; I tell you that I hear you?
I'm realizing I couldn't have been listening: I see I wasn't listening?
when I see you holding a pair of bloodstained shears in one hand: You hold bloodstained shears in one hand?
I'm the one that's in your dream
not you appearing in mine: You're not in my dream
I'm finally hearing yours? something like that.
Write on bubba, write on.
RT
I understand the pain and darkness of depression. Can you think of some concrete images that would convey your feelings? For example you could use images to convey the drinking - shooting shots of tequila, an image that we could see. Keep on writing. I know it helps.
RT
You have a gorgeous! imagination. I envy you. This is a wonderful story. You evoke so much here, I can't tell you... . Just a few typo/errors.
ones - one's (possessive)
up careful - up, careful
puppy dog - puppydog or puppy-dog
worst - worse
where - were
its - it's (contraction for it is)
Great great work.
RT
Hi Raven
Ah, love, written about oft! I love the images "gentle breeze moments" and then the contrast of "Blistering fire". I'd like to see more images. I learned that poetry is all about images, images that show rather than tell the feelings. Try to write without cliches like side by side arm in arm. How about like two penguins or crabs or raccoons I don't know, let your imagination give you an image that would convey that lovely feeling of walking down life's road together.
I only give suggestions to inspire you. Hope this does.
Take care.
RT
Awesome last lines!!! One thing I learned about writing poetry is to challenge yourself to use only concrete words. Thus no words like pain, hurt happy. We had arguments about it, but in the end I learned that it makes poetry much more powerful. Fact - You are a writer.
RT
Hi Sam
Good voice, I thought a female writer! I like your style, i.e. the free form to convey the thoughts.
"Well worn welcome mat" is a nice phrase, but doesn't seem to go with the feces-colored walls.
The line "When would she see him" is confusing after finger pointing at the manager; I thought the him was the manager.
Did you mean the button screamed to be touchED? And I just can't connect coffee with "viscous blood", perhaps I like coffee too much
I think the paragraph describing the sun outside etc. is a little over dramatic.
Hope you take this review as it is intended, that is, too polish a good piece. Great work!
This contains good characterization of the mother, to me, the most important thing in a story. I cared about Sarah's poignant story. Good writing.
Just a few simple suggestions. After you've written, look at your document (I assume you use a word processing software). All the red underlines are for spelling errors. Check that. Then all the green underlines are grammar errors. Check and correct those. Then print your story and read it over carefully for simple errors. Just doing this will polish your piece.
The other suggestion I have is to just try to make the sentences smoother.
Keep up the good work. You have the spirit and that counts alot.
Roberta
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