This is a neat little story. Unfortunately it is filled with correctable flaws in formatting and punctuation. There are also some places where changing the way things are worded will make it infinitely more readable.
I would be glad to give you a free copy edit in exchange for permission to include the process on my resume.
You would gain some great insight on story construction and writing techniques, and I gain another listing for my resume.
Let me know.
Robert
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