Avitaria,
Since you've told me this is a rough draft, I'll keep the editing comments to a minimum.
What I Liked
Though it's incomplete, I think you are off to a nice start. You are building up some interest in what lies ahead for Artimisla. You have the beginnings of good characterization. What you have of the story so far is well paced, only lagging in a couple of places.
Suggestions / Errors
I wish I had some plot suggestions for you. This appears to be part of a fairly large work. This section is labelled 2 of 5, but I wonder what could have come before. The tone of this section to this point is quite introductory. In fact, you are introducing the main character in the first few paragraphs. That normally wouldn't come in a second chapter/section. You might want to rethink that and make this the start.
Your characterization is pretty good, but I think you could flesh out the father and the mother a little more so that we understand Arty's leaving. There's a lot of love, but she is being banished and shunned. It's not clear whether this is a coming-of-age ritual, or the result of a transgression.
Also, while you tell us early on that she had a great love for animals, it isn't until she first meets the high council that we learn she desires to be a healer. It may help to clear up her goals and how the animals play in.
I'm going to point out some word choice issues.
Growing up I never had fit in with my friends
This is just an awkward ordering. I'd try
Growing up I had never fit in with my friends
More or less shunned from the other’s my age
That may not be technically incorrect, but the common usage of shunned would by 'by
More or less shunned by the other’s my age
I knew one day my journeys would return me, eventually.
A little redundant -- 'one day' and 'eventually' I'd say it one way or the other, but not both.
I had never seen this kind of crafts work from his workshop.
'crafts work' sounds wrong. It also stumbles a little with the 'work from his workshop' two works close together.
Suggestion:
I had never seen this kind of craftsmanship from his workshop.
A human I thought although not completely sure, I had seen him before, but a long time ago when I was just a child.
I turned my vision off him
'turned' followed by 'off' sounds, robotic?
I'd try one of these
I turned my vision from him
I took my vision off him
The green of his eyes was like staring at the grass in summer.
The structure here says that 'green' is like 'staring'.
The green of his eyes was like the grass in summer.
Looking into his green eyes was like staring at the grass in summer.
and follow me to a place in which I know you will love
But what will she love in the place. (Sorry, couldn't help it.) Just drop the 'in'.
and follow me to a place which I know you will love
it was Jet Black
Unless 'Jet Black' is the horses name, it shouldn't be capitalized.
more younger
That's redundant. If you are saying that she was younger still than another character, try 'even younger', or 'younger still'.
One word you repeatedly misspell is 'were'. You spell it 'where'.
since I wasn’t like they where
since I wasn’t like they were
I'd caution you about sentence stucture. When you're trying to get that first draft out, it's usually best to just write and edit later. I thought I should tell you that I noticed a lot of run-ons, so be watchful for them when you do edit.
Your formatting is also a bit inconsistent. Somtime you indent new 'graphs, sometimes you don't. It's even better if you put blank lines between. It improves on-screen readability
Here an example of both:
Eventually I was unable to stop staring, that’s when he removed himself from the bench, and proceeded to sit across from me. Not bothering to ask for permission I quickly blurted.
“The seats taken, sorry.” In an almost snobbish way.
His eyes lit up and he smiled brightly. “It’s little Artemis
Edited:
Eventually I was unable to stop staring. That’s when he removed himself from the bench. He proceeded to sit across from me without bothering to ask for permission.
I quickly blurted, “The seat's taken, sorry,” in an almost snobbish way.
His eyes lit up and he smiled brightly. “It’s little Artemis
And another series of run-ons:
His face was covered, cloaked by a mask of some sort, I slipped my hands out of his, and held onto my drink, I was obviously nervous, I had never seen some creatures that now lay before me, I was in awe.
Edited:
His face was covered, cloaked by a mask of some sort. I slipped my hands out of his and held onto my drink. I was obviously nervous. I had never seen some creatures that now lay before me. I was in awe.
Overall, I like what I've read. If I were editing, I'd bleed all over some of your errors, but those are just technical issues (and easy to fix once you have a good story!). I think this will be very good, and I'd like to read it when you are done, or even have more. (Time permitting!)
I'm going to rate it 3.5, which is above average. I think it has the potential to rate higher, but there's not yet enough plot to know that yet.
Best of luck and Write On!
Jinx
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