How incredibly sad. Working for Hospice for many years, I understand this poem more than most. Sorry for your loss.
But, this was put together so well, I can feel the emptiness and hear the oxygen concentrator myself. On the second verse, first line, you might want to change "is is" to 'is IT".....
Thank you, Miss Iva. I appreciate you taking the time to teach, as I am new to WDC. I'm also addicted to it and I 'reward' myself by coming here after all of my other online ventures are through. I'm 50, and a late bloomer. I've always loved to write, but never did anything about it until my inability to find work kind of forced me into finding my niche writing blogs, articles and short stories for money. I become such a regular at one site, a new social network called Jawface, that the webmaster hired me as the head of all articles. It would be nice to see you there as a guest writer, maybe? Totally free, just a social website with lot's to do. Needless to say, I was shocked at the offer, and have been writing ever since. Nice to meet you, Iva.
What a beautiful poem ! Very touching and uplifting. There are some punctuation mistakes that maybe you could tweak. For example, first word, second line, the 'm' should not be capitalized. The whole sentence, actually, needs to be worded like this:
my hand wavers over the pink blanket that covers her small figure. You put, "that is covers", wrong word format.
A comma must be placed after 'breathe", no capital on 'yet' or "can". The next line should read, "So much lies ahead for both of us, not of both of us.
after that line, the word 'my" should not have a capital m. No capital on the words 'want' or 'stay'... You like your capital letters! The poem itself is beautiful, and once those errors are corrected, it will be perfect!
I enjoyed this poem very much, Prosperous Snow. It reminds of the lyrics to my favorite band of all time Black Sabbath. Looking forward to reading more from you! One thing, the word Effectively in the first verse should not be capitalized.
As a newbie, this 'how-to' article was most helpful. Very easy to understand and follow. I cannot wait to enter my first writing contest for Writing Cramp-101. What I love about Writing.com, is the versatility of the site. I love having the freedom to write in my own style, without someone telling what I SHOULD be writing. I'm rebellious that way...Hahaha...
I also think that reviews are SO important to a would be writer. It helps grow him/her up from a baby writer to a full fledged author. Constructive criticism should be the guidelines to every new writer, helping him/her to learn and grow.
I enjoyed every word in this story of inner torment and imprisonment of a tortured soul. Great ending! I shared in on all my connections! Very, very good..
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rissryker518
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:21am on Nov 11, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
