Very nice. I loved the structure of this poem, the same every stanza. Although the words could not be totally predicted, at least I could rest on the format being the same. That created anticipation; after reading the first 2 lines, I would wonder what you would do with the next 2 lines! I loved also the concept of nature lending a hand. Hey, God made nature to lend a hand to mankind, huh?! The poem certainly works for me!
Whoa! Nice, tight poem. this is a case where the rhyming works. i love the small lines. I like too the shortness of the poem. It speaks well. So many have been writing about this silent screaming or silent crying. It's utter defeat and fear that is taking over our population... a lonliness, a sadness, a miserable state. My favorite line is burning alive but cold as stone. The most questioned line was the first one. Was the narrator feeling for the past, the known, a time when warmth or love was felt? I love this line. Great opening and nice sad closing too.
All one syllable names didn't allow for me to differentiate the main character and the bullies. Maybe Nick could be Nicholas? And the nurse Ms. Holly? instead of just Holly? Look up spelling for tortoise. Do 7 yr olds have "periods" in school or subjects?? On "However, he stopped," maybe make that "Sure enough, Mark stopped as if frozen"? or put in a metaphor or simile here... Mark stopped like a boat at dock or go back to the hare story... Mark stopped like a frozen hare? Change weekend to weakened. I thought this was some science fiction world with black boxes. If you want to keep it real, take out the moral ending part and make it all be in little Nick's head... that even though he gets teased, he can win in his mind?
I liked how you didn't force the rhyme at the end when it wasn't appropriate. Just a little rhyming did the trick. My favorite line is the last sentence. It was quite strong. I wasn't grabbed at the beginning like at the end. Maybe that part could be reworked. I take it the writer is on death row? I think the writer is too strong for suicide but for sure I can feel his pain from the words you have chosen.
Nice work. To write about the love Christ has for us is awesome in this day and time. Spreading the word through a poem is just the way to win more souls. I would love to hear more about that special prayer that led you to your believe and trust in your Saviour. That my favorite part because it was like you are speaking directly to the Lord at that moment of your salvation. It's an important memory for you.
Lots of your places and names end with "n" which can get confusing. Loved how you started out with the myth! Is this off of Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule? I was wondering how tall Sa'Ruul was and how he engulfed huge populations for destruction? Did he eat only hearts? Is this a novel or a short story? Interesting read. Thanks for sharing. Oh yes, and I love your metaphors and similies throughout the writing. Keep up the good work!
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