Ok, where to begin. What I am going to tell you is in my opinion very important. Depending on whether you are going to try to get this type of work published or not will affect my main critique. If you do want to eventually get a story like this published, it seems like it will sell based on the plot, but in reality this is WAY too short to be a chapter. I suggest you copy and paste this onto Microsoft Word or something, but you will realize that this most likely doesn't even fill a whole page. Now, I understand that they do change margins, but it truly is much too short to be a sufficient chapter in a novel. I suggest maybe adding more detail or more events and try to show, not tell the reader what is going on. Keep it up.
Thanks for the tips, but I am only going with a free membership and do not plan on upgrading. I have utilized about as much as I could so far and have done much of what you said. My biggest problem I think is that people go and view the first chapter, but when they see that it will take a while to read, they just click the back button and do not even read it let alone rate or review it.
Thanks Again,
-RASM
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