I like this piece but i would really like some more meat to it, i want to read more. That is a very good thing though, trust me. I like the way you are going with this and would be pleased to read more i you intend to flesh it out to something more than just flash fiction.
I like this poem alright, but I feel like sometimes the flow isn't very strong. Also, the ending is ok, but I feel like rewording would improve it. That is my only real qualm is that words seem incorrectly placed in a few lines. Also, the line about "forever" etc needs to be reworked in my opinion
I enjoy your spirit, but i must disagree with you on a few points. Who says that animals were put on earth to live? or that humans were? and if humans were put on life to live, then eating something that helps us live is justifiable. even animals eat other animals. That's what i don;t get. We are the top of our food chain, no one eats us, but look at birds of prey etc etc. Also, I agree that PETA is a very nice organization in spirit, but many of their views are short sighted and ignorant. An example is hunting. PETA wants to stop hunting, but did you know that hunters are a huge source of food for animals? They lay out corn and feed every day. If hunting were abolished they could just sell their land lets housing development over take it. I agree animals should be treated humanely, but who says what is humane anyway? Last time i checked mother nature was the cruelest of all things. Our differences aside, this essay is fundamentally correct and i feel there are some minor nitpicks i could make, but as a whole this is fairly well written.
and as an aside, your first "wrong" you lost is drug abuse
I find that an broad generalization and feel like it does not really apply in a good way at all in your essay.You say drug abuse, THEN murder, and then harassment.
I feel like a rethinking of those 3 things would be much stronger. Think more along the lines of thngs that are considered taboo everywhere. Drinking more than about four beers in a night is considered binge drinking, which is "drug abuse"
But that is just a personal irritant. Your essay is fine as it is regardless
I like the cleverness of the ending, however i do not enjoy that the story goes from "Evan" the third person narrative to "I" a first person. I feel like if you make the whole thing as first person the ending would be even better honestly. Also the descriptions are a tad sloppy, and i don't mean that they are bad, i am saying that you have some fragments and redundancies that could be cleared up very quickly with an edit.
This is a clever little poem and i especially liked your usage of the word die because it can mean a few different things and i enjoy that malleability. die as in one dice, die as in a mold( i think that was your intended usage) and die as in death. they all fit in very well with what you have written
I like the way this ends, but i feel like there is something missing here. Maybe it is just me, but i am rubbed the wrong way by names that are irrelevant, and the problem with this flash is that i feel many parts are unneeded and even bog down what is good in it. I understand it is only flash, but i find it hard to care for or about tindo and the green eyes stranger. Also, the descriptions were a tad sloppy in some places, specifically the part about the veil. I think it would have been better served to mention it when you first mention the eyes. EX he looked up into a pair of green eyes, peering over a veil, or something like that
First of all, I totally agree with you on everything you touched on really. I liked how you tied the title and content with a clever ending, but the best part about this piece is that I think anyone can really relate to it. I live in Michigan, a state notorious for its changing weather so I can totally feel your pain in that respect.
Let me start with the good. Very well written, keeping in mind the childs perspective. The ending was especially good. But i have some qualms with it. I think you should add punctuation on some of the second lines of your stanzas. Also you change tense in the 5th stanza 2nd line. It should be sleep, because you are talking about now. Good piece.
I like what you do here, but i feel that it may need just a little more direction. Good descriptions litter this piece and that is a good thing. You may want to consider making this into paragraph form. This is a preference of course, but right now it is not very user friendly. I liked this piece, but i would love to see it fully developed and edited.
Very nice poem, i enjoyed it alot. This poem was much more serious than the peom i previously read from you (bunions ya know) so this was a bit different. I really like this poem and am impressed by your ability to change styles so seamlessly. Keep up the good work!
Well let me say that it meets the requirements perfectly. So in that respect it is great, so i have rated it thus. Now, on an originality and enjoyment thing, it is not anything i especially love. I guess what i am saying is that, it looks and reads like something intended for a contest, which is both good and bad.
This is a funny poem, but so sadly true. That is what i like about it. The problem i detect is that sometimes the flow is totally changed. not a big problem, but idk its minor. also, when you say like the song lean on me, it applies, but a teenager nowadawys would probably use a different song.good poem!
I liked this poem alot. First of all, you execute the technicalities perfectly. You make a rhyme scheme and stick perfectly to it. very good job considering it was a weird scheme. You do a very good job in setting up the feeling of the lonely person. I identified with it and i just wanted to say keep up the good work!
PS> I see this is listed as experiance.Are you the lonely person? If so, it is always good to write what you know :)
This is a nice little poem. A little short for my taste, but i like it.
The Good
The rhyming you do is good, and the repeating of "La Diga" works well to establish the person. The old man is "La Diga" and "La Diga" is the old man. They are one and the same and you emphasize that. Good job
The Bad
The freestyle rhyme might not work for everyone, and the second stanza is sortof weak and doesn;t really further the story at all
Very good story with a nice little twist that makes it more interesting for someone to read. It was a very lovely poem, but the one problem i have with it is that the ending was only ok with me. Evereything pervious was better and i was let down by it. Either way, very good effort.
This is an interesting poem. You through around alot of words, and it works but also ends up hurting you, because there are many errors. Your punctuation needs to be fixed alot more and you need to fix the capitalization of some things. It is a cool story, but is hurt alot by its errors
This is an ok poem. It has its good parts and it has some pats that could be reworded, that i just don't like. An example of this is the very last line. It doesn;t work for me and tie it all together as well as i had hoped. Anyone can put it in gods hands, but show me better.
First of all, i love the way this is told. Very descriptive, but it does have some issues in my oppinion. Forst of all, the girl is shown to be naive and even says so in the fourth paragraph. "I didn't understand why"
But right before that it mentions that they are moving to the ghetto. The way it is worded makes me feel like the girl understands what that means. If she doesn't understand why he lost his job etc, she shouldn't understand the ghetto being bad. I think you meant to say that her father literally said "we are moving ti the ghetto" but it is sortof unclear. This is all nitpicking though, it was a terrific story and i love the ending. PS:Her father is a banker. How typical ;)
PPS Write on!
I loved that story. You told it beautifully. The dialogue is belivable and accurate, and you tell a story very well. I also thought the pacing was superb. However, i do have some nitpicks. First of all, i did not like Ms.Havens use of yall. I know you were going for dialect, but it would be ever more effective if she didn't use terms that often cast a negative feeling. Y'all is something for the good ol boys to say, not a cultures english teature who cares. also i disliked “No,” she said defensively. “I dream of being a whole woman with no questions asked - to walk down the street with second glances not to question my sex, but because I look good.”
"but because i look good"
that sounds petty. it could be something deeper than looking good
Very good poem. Evoked a good emotions from me. However i did notice some inconsistancies you should improve. Make your capitalization uniform at the begining on lines. I say once or twice you capitalized for no real reason. Other than that it was good. Keep writing!
Solid poem. It uses great descriptions and i liked it. My only complaint is some of the words you chose. It almost seems as if you didn't set out to write a poem, but to give a little dictionary discussion. Big words are good when you know how to use them(you obviously do)but they arent needed for a good poem
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