This reminds me of a song by Thrice "Image of the Invisible"; I love that song and I LOVED this story.
Your writer's voice in incredible, not perfect, but incredible. The point is, you have the voice, but I think you need more guidance as to using it to its full potential.
First things first. You need to cut this into pieces that are easier to digest. Separate your paragraphs, its much more visually appealing for your reader.
Your Dialogue is awesome but I feel like you focused solely on that. It is obvious that you have an image painted in your head of what this "world" looks like, but the rest of us have no clue. You should go back in and try to paint a picture for your reader.
You should definitely give some description of the characters. You gave so much insight into them personality wise, but what about the physical? I'm curious...
This is an awesome story with a lot of potential, considering you don’t mind tweaking a few areas. You've got the talent and the plot line(I've never been able to get a plot ). Please email when you add to this. I am very interested in where you will take it.
It is rare that I find a piece that pulls me like this one, please keep going. WRITE ON!
Overall This was a really good piece, it captured me from the very first moment and held my attention until the very end. One of your strongest points, in my opinion is your ability to hook the audience, for example you move from the main characters silent adoration to a point where the reader realizes that this woman isn’t just sleeping in bed, but that she‘s hogtied. There were a few things which made this piece less than perfect, but we‘ll get to that.
Character Development Your character development is unique in that you didn’t have to spit out the history of the character to get the point across. You didn’t use names, and I think that’s a flaw because this isn’t a short story, I presume, and eventually you are going to have to use names “he” and “she” wont suffice forever. I think the earlier you introduce names the better it will be for you overall, because a name is so crucial to identity, and if the reader gets to chapter 2 and out of no where you suddenly produce a name, it wouldn’t mean much to the reader. I actually do feel for the main character, and I don’t see him as a bad guy, I wonder if that was what you meant to do, or if you were simply putting your reader in the criminals mind.
Grammar It would be so much better for you if you didn’t use present tense. I don’t know if you do it on purpose or not, but I do know that when I started writing I used present tense. I knew about past but it never occurred to me to use it. I cant help but feel like you might be the same way. Here, let me show you.
You wrote: Sitting <from>(take out from and put “in”) his chair he watches her sleeping across the room and like always he finds it hard to breathe, lost in her beauty. Even when he tries he cannot remember a time when he has not loved her. It’s the look she gets in her eyes when she smiles. The way she absently puts the ends of her hair in her mouth. The way she doesn’t seem to know how beautiful she is.
Now we take this same paragraph and put in past tense, and voila…Sitting in his chair he watched her sleeping across the room and like always he found it hard to breathe, lost in her beauty. Even when he tried he couldn’t remember a time when he has not loved her. It was the look she got in her eyes when she smiled. The way she absently put the ends of her hair in her mouth. The way she didn’t seem to know how beautiful she is.
Other Tips for Improvement Try the past tense, and introduce your characters names, both will serve you much better in the end. Another tip, ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER! I really liked this piece, and want to see what happens nest! WRITE ON!
This was a very nice start, at first glance its not a turn off, that is too say its not in one huge mega chunk. It was a very easy read and you paint a nice picture with words. Your characters are fresh and for the most part very realistic...here of course there is the classic minion and master, but that is something that I dont think could have been avoided.
Nicola for the paragraph that she is mentioned already appeals as a character, far more than the others do, and I think you did this on purpose, but then again no one is paying me to think. Nice job, I'd like an update when you add more.
This is quite beautiful actually, I think you should change the type to "poetry" because it certainly is just that, just in a different format. Yours is a unique style, you pay heed to it. Yours also clearly, a romantic. You paint an awesome picture and it remind me a lot of William Channing only a lot longer and a lot deeper. Keep this up. :) HAPPY WRITING!
This clearly has potential, yours is a nice introduction; I found myself laughing at the "just like the other day" it really set the mood. I have to admit though, this was a bit hard to read... you should break it up a bit more. that will do a lot for this and attrack more readers who will actually rate your work. Instead of:
*“Camis would never give up to a slave dealer like you!” Mephis screamed.
Goud frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he said with a pretend sadness.
More wires came from the mech and grabbed Mephis and Hylia. Though they had been better prepared than Amyal, they still didn’t expect to be grabbed by the wires.
“Gah!” the three shouted as electricity coursed through the wires.*
you could spice it up a bit, and give it more pull and life...like so
“Camis would never give up to a slave dealer like you!” Mephis spat.
Goud frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he whispered with feigned sadness.
Slicing the air more wires came from the mech wrapped around Mephis and Hylia. Though they had been better prepared than Amyal, they still didn’t expect to be grabbed by the wires.
Wow...*poke* WHERE IS THE REST EH? This is good, dont wait for reviews to add on HAVE MERCY ON YOUR HOOKED READERS , you dont have to say much about your main characters for me to identify with them, which is no easy feat to accomplish. Your characters are not mary-sues, but simple people and I believe I could walk outside and shake hands with one of them, thats definitely your strongest point. WHile having good character development you also have a good taste for imagery, you paint the picture, set the stage and make the characters "real", this was a breath of fresh air, thank you and KEEP ADDING! *adding you to my favorite authors*
wOw, you certainly have your work cut out for you here. You have my applause, there is obviously commitment with this work and I see as the reader how you have tried to shape it. There are some things, however, which hinder your work significantly. Primarily the names, just a few of them, seem quite unoriginal. Are you a *Lord of the Rings* fan by chance? I saw Kongor and I immediately thought GONDOR, seriously and I wasnt even thinking about LoTR, you should consider this. Also, did you name Hercles this on purpose for its significance? If so totally disregard. If you were looking for a name that denoted strength go to www.behindthename.com you can look up words in the meaning of a name and find one that suits. This is definitely an interesting work and I am curious to see where you will take it in the future. KEEP WRITING! ^^
OH DO CONTINUE. Of all the fanfics ive read ove come across some really incredibly bad ones where the writer turns jareth into some sort of freak, have you posted this story on a labyrinth fanfic site? i have the nagging feeling that i have seen it somewhere before *ponders* anyway YOU CAPTURED JARETH IS BY FAR ONE OF THE BEST WAYS I HAVE YET TO COME ACROSS. HE IS NOT WATERED DOWN, BUT PURE ARROGANCE AND ROYALTY, for this you have my never ending respect. WRITE ON!
*passes out* I dont believe it...jareth, the Goblin King, cant get to his own castle *gagging sounds* kudos to you for writing a fanfic that was actually good. Ive read a lot of really really bad ones, and this was like a breath of fresh air. One quick question my friend...since jareth has the annoying ability to show up wherever he pleases couldnt he just *flash* himself there? And how was he able to venture aboveground and not to his castle? just curious, anyway im off to read your second part! KEEP WRITING!
Wow! You are an awesome writer obviously *points to work*. I feel like your strongest area is imagery. You paint just a strong image and I feel what the characters feel. My favorite scentence:
A circular room in a high tower; she was surrounded by a ring a people and their malevolence towards her was as palpable as the wind on her face
did you mean for this to be a fragment. Now reading through it again I see what you were trying to do so *shrug* it works out...the rules were, after all, meant to be broken. While your words are vivid and strong I think you should break up your larger paragraphs, they just made this much harder to read. I was going through it and in the back of my head I kept thinking, man thats a huge paragraph...maybe I should skip some? BUT YOU DONT WANT ME TO SKIP! NO, SKIPPING IS BAD! So perhaps dividing a few of the larger paragraphs will work wonders for you. I am looking forward to the next chapter! WRITE ON!
So sweet this story and written very much like a fairytale, with the message etc etc. Nicely done, but at the same time there are pieces missing... Are you intentionally so detacthed from whats going on? Everything seems so distant and yet so close. Your character sees everything that is going on but there really is no development of any sort. Is this intentional?
*Many a evening after the sun had vanished and the darkness folded itself around our homes we would see her trudging back to house that she shared with her Aunt Trudy. *
Christina seems so graceful and light. Even though she is disappointed I dont see her trudging...it seems like something her aunt would do. Mayhap you should choose another more fitting word.
*Christina's mother had died with the fever during the Winter. *
very common, but you dont need "had" in this scentence.
*Trudy was the only one in the village was related to Christina.*
"who was"
I dont want to be a pain, so I wont pick out everything. A nicely written tale, but you should go back and check grammar and spelling. KUDOS FOR YOU!
I really like this, obviously it took some effort, though I sense writer's block towards the end. It seemed like you had a plot at the very beginning and then it just disappeared amidst dinner and wine, see what I'm saying? The switch from first person to third was strange, but unique though I wouldnt suggest it for the rest of the work. You do it twice and it leaves the reader wondering why you switched and then why you cease to do it after the second time. Merrideth is an awesome character, I see her flaws and her gifts, and you have accomplished a primary goal "making the reader like the main character", her moms a good laugh and a good balance for her father. I was most curious about jack, maybe you could give him some background? He is the bad guy obviously but I just dont find him very creepy or threatening. Even though he once had the upper hand over merrideth, it seems that she overcame him so easily and for this he is not a very good antagonist. He cant really do anything to her, she is so much stronger. Maybe give him a bit more power, so that he can come into play again later in the work. This was great, awesome potential is here, nice job....if I had giftpoints to send, i would send them...alas. :)
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). Please email when you add to this. I am very interested in where you will take it. 
