DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Great title. It not only adds to your poem but sets the tone. The opening line is a good way to start the poem. My first impression was all positive.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I love the imagery and how it is used with the sound of the vocabulary, line breaks and punctuation. They all worked together well which made it show vs tell.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors that hurt your poem. The placement on page makes it inviting.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is the result and takes your poem full circle. A great way to end your poem. It is what I was looking for.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title adds to your piece because it is not repeated, especially in the first line. The opening line set the tone that is kept throughout the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The choices of vocabulary, line breaks and punctuation are all so tightly interwoven that they can hardly be considered separately. The poem needs to be read aloud again and again to make the best choices. The "sound" of poetry is fundamental. Although it is not stated, I assume your poem is free verse.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no mechanical errors that hurt your poem.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines kept the tone that was kept throughout. There is a lot in this poem. It is always more difficult to write about something that has been written about for eons.
SUGGESTIONS:
If I told someone I was happy, they would need to take me at my word. However, if I gave them all of my symptoms, they would discover I was happy for themselves. That is show vs tell. I believe every poem needs to leave something for the reader to discover. Poetry devices used correctly will do that.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. I like the way the poem progresses after the opening line. It explains (shows) why you chose the opening line.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I am not sure what the form is meant to be. If it is free verse, the inconsistent rhyme scheme is the author's choice. I did not have a problem with the flow.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors in the mechanics that hurt your poem. Indenting the second line worked well.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a great way to end your poem. It put an exclamation point on your poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I did think your poem could be tightened a little without hurting the poem. One example is line five:'And the only reason I'm able to go on.' Both "And" and "only" are not needed.
You're the nourisher of my soul,
The reason I'm able to go on.
There is a reason the form, line count and word count are in the rules. I love this poem, by the way.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate. The opening line makes it personal, which allows both the title and opening line to add to your poem. My first impression was the form makes it look good on paper
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Your triquain form is done correctly. One of the drawbacks in using this form is poetry devices are more difficult to use, creating more telling than showing. Although your poem is personal, it does rise above the individual and becomes more widely relevant.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors that hurt your poem. The placement on page works well.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a great way to end the poem. It summed up the Psalm and added meaning to it.
SUGGESTIONS:
I think your poem is a keeper. My only suggestion is to try it in a different form so you can use more poetry devices without hurting the flow.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line sets the tone for the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the images and similes (ex: line two) worked well in this poem. Although free verse, the couplets/stanzas made it easy to read and slowed down he reader.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no mechanical errors that hurt your poem. Placement on page makes it inviting to read.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing couplet is a good way to end the poem. It keeps the same tone throughout. I am a believer that a poem should leave something for the reader to discover for him/herself. If I said I was happy, you would need to take my word for it. If I described how I felt, you would discover I was happy. What I discovered in the closing couplet was your faith. Faith that God would do what He promised.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem. I thought it was well written and keeping it a free verse allowed your images to work for you.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title made me curious and drew me in. My first impression was the author looking at God's creation through the eyes of science. The opening line made it personal.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The rhyme scheme in each couplet worked well in this poem, as did the stanzas. The form adds to the poetry devices. The images leave a lot for the reader to discover.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no problem with the mechanics and the poem had a good flow. The placement on the page worked well. It made your poem inviting to read.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I like the closing lines bringing the poem back to something personal, like the opening line. It was a good way to end the poem. One of the many ways we know earth was created and not evolved is in the creation itself. Your poem did an excellent job in bringing this out.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
This is a good example of a well written poem without rhymes. The specific image details are very good.
I had no problem with the scansion of flow and rhythm. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right.
I doubt this poem could be tightened without hurting it.
I found no errors.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem with a strong finish.
I gotta admit my favorite line is the fourth - "Now chipped and scratched."
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
1,000 GP's have been added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line reminds me of "verily verily" in the King James Bible.
It beckons one to pay closer attention.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I liked the texture of sound in this poem.
I found no odd word choices. I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I found no errors that hurt your poem.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is right for ending the poem. It's not artificial or overwritten.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
1,000 GP's have been added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. The opening line The openinmg line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
I found no odd word choices. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line bnreaks seem right. I like to see the left-handed caps consistent, either all caps or not.
When I don't use all capital letters, I indent the line that's different.
The second line in the second stanza has eight syllables instead of seven.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem.
I thought more active verbs would give you a stronger poem (ie washing - breaking - sharing - asking, etc.)
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Included with this review are 1,000 GP's for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem is personal, but rises above the individual and becomes more widely relevant.
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem.
The opening line establishes the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The specific image details are good. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow.
The "texture" of sound adds meaning behind the words.
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I find no errors. No punctuation works well with this poem.
The line breaks seem right. At my first reading I thought a dash before "I am freed" would be needed.
I would consider using one if it was a longer poem, but it is fine as is.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end your poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1,000 GP's are added to this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to your poem. The first line establishes the tone that is kept throughout the poem.
I liked the encouragement given to spread the "good news" (gospel) abroad.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
This poem worked well without punctuation, however, I suggest you replace the commas with a dash.
This not only eliminates punctuation for the reader, but put's an emphasis on what follows.
I like your being consistent on the first letter of each line - all caps.
I found a couple typos. Earths to earth's. Because "Hid" is capitalized, I assume it is referring to Jesus and needs to be changed to His. In line 5 HIs to his.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Included are 1,000 GP's for your entry - and patience.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. I will hold "most" of my impressions and suggestions with your senryu until "Overall Impression" at the end. A Title:
Most haiku are untitled; a successful haiku usually speaks for itself. Senryu is titled.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one moment in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
Senryu are titled - no caps - they capture a moment in time - no punctuation.
Suggestion: Use the present tense and active verbs:
memory moment
measuring mortality
capturing my soul
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Great subject. The Bible brings out both the good and bad with Bible characters. The title is both appropriate and adds to your poem. Writing the poem being in Michal's (MEE-cal) shoes gives you a stronger poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The specific image details are very well done. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors, but one typo in the forth line. A period instead of a comma. The line breaks seem right.
I doubt if you could tighten the poem without hurting it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a good way to end the poem. It's not overwritten or artificial. It's also the way Michal felt - bitter.
It is refreshing to read a poem that is showing more than telling - especially on the Scriptures.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no suggestions for this fine poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate, but does not add to the poem. It steals the thunder from the opening and closing lines (JMHO).
My first impression was a Pantoum perfectly written.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the form was well written. There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm or flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I found no errors with the mechanics that hurt your poem. The line breaks seem right.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The opening/closing line worked well for the Pantoum form. I've been going back through many of my poems using silent characters - even personification - to eliminate telling vs showing. The reader needs something to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I really like the subject and the way it is written. The title is appropriate. The opening line establishes the tone that is kept throughout the poem. My first impression was "finally" a poem about Barabbas.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with scansion of rhythm or flow. It reads almost like a list poem.
I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I like this poem without punctuation, however, the commas create a need for it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing line is a good way to end the poem. It worked well on each stanza.
What puzzles me most is the low ratings that show on your reviews.
SUGGESTIONS:
The only thing that hurts this poem is partial punctuation - the overuse of commas.
My suggestion is to use the colons, dashes instead of commas, and/or elippses. They do not require other punctuation.
This is the only thing that keeps it from being a 5.0.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
This is a subject few stop to think about. The title is appropriate for the poem and adds to it. The opening line draws the reader into the poem.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
I thought the lack of "specific image details" and other poetry "sight" devices leaves little for the reader to discover.
I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. Partial punctuation hurts your poem. My suggestion is to use dashes and/or ellipses instead of commas.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are a good way to end the poem. It isn't overwritten or artificial.
I thought your poem could be tightened by removing unneeded words - general and/or abstract words.
SUGGESTIONS:
I do like the subject matter. I suggest writing it in a way that is more showing than telling.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
Food for thought: Malachi was written after the completion of the Temple in 516 B.C. (MAL. 1:7,10; 3:1)
During the Persian rule (pehah in 1:8 is Persian for "governor.")
Nehemiah was back in Babylon - so he didn't write it.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I always liked that title for John. It is appropriate for your poem. The opening line continues to set the tone that is kept throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with scansion of rhythm and flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices. The syntax is appropriate.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. To remain consistent I suggest you cap the third line.
A dash after Apostle will eliminate overusing commas and put an emphasis on what follows.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines are very good and a perfect way to end your poem. It is not overwritten or artificial.
SUGGESTIONS:
I suggest you make this poem into a longer one by developing each line a little more.
The reader needs to discover something for him/herself. As for a short poem - I love it.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. It is refreshing reading about a different character and subject - with a new perspective.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
The syntax is appropriate. The tone was consistent throughout the poem.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I thought not using punctuation in this poem was wise - it worked well for you.
I like to see the caps beginning each line consistent - either all capitals, no caps or indent the uncapped lines.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The closing lines seem right for ending the poem. It isn't artificial or overwritten.
I thought the lack of poetry devices is the only thing that hurts your poem. Instead of "baldly" stating something, poetry needs to allow the reader
to "discover" things on his/her own - from the word pictures that are painted.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. Included are 1000 GP's for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
The title is appropriate. The opening line draws the reader and creates curiosity.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of rhythm and flow. The diction is consistent.
The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices. The totality of tone is consistent.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
In the last line, your sentence contains a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses. Consider inserting a comma to separate the elements.
The line breaks seem right.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The last lines seem right for ending the poem. I look for consistency. The capitals on the left are not consistent (see suggestions).
I thought a few parts could be developed more - to leave the reader something to discover for him/herself.
SUGGESTIONS:
When I do not be consistent with the capitals, I like to indent the line not capitalized. This is only my opinion.
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1,000 GP's has been added for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
Your poem shows a different perspective, which is needed on something that has been written about many times.
The title is appropriate. The dash in the title and opening line adds a lot to both.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
There are enough specific image details. I had no problem with the scansion of flow.
The diction is consistent. The syntax is appropriate. I found no odd word choices.
The totality of tone is consistent and positive. I picture it after Gen. 3:21.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The final line should be consistent with the title and the first line - using the dash.
Typo with the opening line in the third stanza. (Redemtion to Redemption).
"all" is not needed in the first stanza.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I thought the closing lines worked well for you. Also, I liked the fact that the author put himself on the scene, and in Adam's shoes.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no more suggestions for this fine poem.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
What a great Ovillejo poem (my first impression). The title is appropriate and adds to the poem. Opening with a question works well.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Your poem is well written and the form is correct. It's refreshing to read a poem that is positive.
The rhyming seems natural and not forced.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I suggest you replace the three commas with dashes to remain consistent w/o punctuation.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
The final stanza is perfect for ending the poem.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. In a 1-5 rating, I would give you a six - except for the punctuation in the final two lines.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. 1000 GP's are included in this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
I like both the refreshing perspective and saying a lot in a few words. The title is appropriate. The opening line sets the tone.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
The simile worked well in this free verse form.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
I don't see a need for the comma after "frost." The line breaks seem right. The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing. Short poems are better with a strong finish.
SUGGESTIONS:
"All" is not needed in the 5th line. I would omit "That is" in the 6th line and put a dash after heart. The dash will emphasize what follows.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work. I enclosed 1000 GP's with this review for your entry.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
DISCLAIMER:
This is only a review to help me judge the contests. Please use only what is helpful, and send the rest into cyberspace.
SUBJECT - OPENING - FIRST IMPRESSION:
You took one of the big subjects and gave it a new perspective - through the eyes of Adam.
The title adds to the poem without hurting the first line. They work well together. You draw the reader in and keeps his/her interest throughout.
POETRY DEVICES - FORM:
Free Verse without rhymes or meter. The images are very good and I had no problem with the flow.
The diction is consistent. I found no odd word choices.
MECHANICS - PLACEMENT ON PAGE:
The line breaks seem right. I debated on one word as being unneeded, bet decided it would hurt your poem if it wasn't there.
I doubt if your poem can be tightened without hurting it.
CLOSURE - GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
I love the closing lines, it takes your poem full circle and leaves much for the reader to think about.
SUGGESTIONS:
I have no other suggestions for this fine poem. I'll give you ***** five stars.
Thank you for entering the contest, and allowing me to review your work.
WING YOUR WORDS WITH FIRE
MAKE TOUCHING ETERNITY YOUR DESIRE
Disclaimer:
Hopefully, you will take only what is helpful and send the rest into cyberspace.These are my thoughts on senryu, sometimes compared with haiku. A Title:
The emphasis in haiku is on nature. The emphasis in senryu is on people. Your poetry is senryu. Senryu is titled, haiku is not.
Too Much Punctuation:
Avoid periods. Both haiku and senryu are one "moment" in a continuum; a period often destroys that illusion (so may beginning with a capital letter). Other punctuation: the average haiku and senryu has one break in thought or continuity, usually at the end of line 1 or 2 (sometimes, the middle of line 2). If punctuated at all, it is usually with a colon, dash or ellipsis. An occasional dash or ellipsis may provide emphasis either before of after the final word (or phrase). In general, shy away from punctuation unless you are sure of its benefit.
The Telegram Effect:
Compress, but be sure the omission of words (especially the articles a, an & the) doesn't chop it into ungainly pieces.
Lifeless Verbs:
The is & have families result in pictureless & actionless verses. Use action verbs instead.
Past or Future Tense:
Haiku and senryu usually happen now. Past & future tenses remove us from the action & often use more words ' weak ones like has, have, will.
Adjectives and Adverbs:
Use sparingly. Look for ones made from noun or verb roots. Avoid very, much, any, many, few, & all-inclusive words like every, all, always, never, everyone.
'I':
Overuse of 1st person pronouns ' It's more risky in haiku than in senryu because senryu deals with humans. Put emphasis on the person with senryu, and on the image with haiku.
Padding:
Don't throw in words just to conform to a 5-7-5 or other imagined pattern. Either revise to find 17 strong, useful syllables or go for a shorter verse.
Redundancy:
One season word is enough: 'Spring blossoms' is redundant: both identify season. Let strong words do their job: 'pavement wet with rain' is redundant.
Abstractions:
Not Supported by Concrete Imagery? Let imagery suggest the point; don't state it baldly.
Overall Impression:
It was refreshing to see "Christian" senryu written. I hope you keep writing it.
Thank you for entering the contest and allowing me to review your work.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 11:48pm on Feb 04, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
