I think this is an excellent draft. I little tweaking here and there but excellent draft.
So it would be easier for me to hit 'em as I see 'em...
You need a space between some of these lines, find a second paragraph in there. It would read a bit easier as two paragraphs rather than the one large one.
in the 3rd line, that is the wrong kind of lye. You mean lie and since you are speaking in past tense you actually mean laid. Your kind of lye is a chemical of some sort. I think they use it in soap...
Try not to start a sentence with "then," as in "then I." If you have to have something in front of I try "As." It reminds the read that they are actually reading...
"tired gaze" - like that.
"he was eyeing me with [a] glare"
"to be the next to be" - umm, I'm nit picking now but anything other than two to be's
I think you get the gist of where I am going with this. Read it a critical eye and I know you will see a handful of things you hadn't caught before.
I read another persons review of this, so with that in mind.
I don't mind the clear headedness of our narrator. Though I do agree with the comment about not "plopping" down the details. I particularly liked that word, "plop." I thought it was funny and accurate. Have to enjoy the little things...
While I get that this poem should make me feel desperate/confused/sad even. I couldn't help but smile the whole time I read it. I think I might enjoy others discomfort a little to much.
So I super love the subject matter. I love the angle you took on this. There were one or two things that caught my eye in terms of editing. You start the first stanza with an abcbdd scheme, then move to an abcbdefef scheme and end with a aabcdfgd scheme.
The first stanza works. I hear the flow, the rhyme as a nice pattern. I get it.
Then I move to the second one and instantly become confused. I have abandoned my nice little rhythm I had going..I re-read it wondering if I am supposed to read with an accent...I decide not.
Third. Wait I am rhyming again but now in a different rhythm.
I have to suggest find a pattern and sticking with it. Not all schemes have to have each stanza follow the exact same pattern but this one you created here interrupted my flow to much. Mostly that second stanza.
I think this is an excellent start. There are a few issues with how the wording stops the flow of reading but I enjoyed the story itself. I would suggest rereading and hearing your characters voice as you read through. I think you will find a few areas were the words sound a bit outside of the character. Great job.
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