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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/puppetdear
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Review by Puppet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Okay, first off, I feel there are way too many spaces between your paragraphs. //=

"She didn't understand a bloody word of it and to a certain degree she didn't bloody care." ~ I believe this should be "She didn't understand a bloody word of it and, to a certain degree, she didn't bloody care.

"All of a sudden the door swung wide open...etc" ~ I think this should be "All of a sudden, the door swung wide open...etc"

"Giselle who was considered Fay's twin and Laura...etc" ~ **"Giselle, who was considered Fay's twin, and Laura...etc" I don't really think the "they were inspired by Matt and Kelsey" at the end of this sentence is necessary. If you think it is, I think it sounds a little funny when I say it, so maybe you could try rewording it?

Over all, I think your story is nice, but it lacks the description that makes a reader want to keep reading. In the beginning, there is only one character. By the end, there are several, which is very confusing to a reader, especially when they are all introduced around the same time. Try and spread out your introductions; give the reader time to adjust to a new character.

You've also got a habit for describing them all at once, too. In my story, I've - so far - done that with only one character. I let readers slowly learn about the character as they go on so that they don't get too bored. But I see that your style is what you're doing. So I suppose, if that's what you would prefer, this part could be well enough left alone.

The ending has me on the edge. I'm not sure whether I like it or not. How did someone with a gun get onto campus?
But I suppose a more fitting question would be, "WHO IS IT!?" xD
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