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Review of Piece #1  Open in new Window.
Review by punkhippiemom Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi - I really, really liked your story - for such a short piece it has a really big emotional punch.
Are the quotes at the beginning and end your own? I know that this isn't a finished piece, but if they aren't it might be a good idea to credit them, and not just for legal reasons... quite often if I like a line of a poem or a song that has been quoted in a story, I want to read/hear the whole thing, and it helps me find it if I have the author's name or source.
I think the most powerful parts were:
- the description of the childrens' reactions to Ella's death and funeral - as short as it was, it really showed the contrast between what people say and what they do, cleanly and simply.
- the phrasing used when describing how William 'wished for release' - it seems to refer to an orgasm, and death is often used as a simile for how an orgasm feels, but rarely is death described as a release that could be called orgasmic, and that was definitely thought-provoking, and drew an interesting connection between the passions of a teenager and of an old man- changed and redirected, maybe, but undiminished.
I think this is well written, and with a little fleshing out and polishing could be excellent. But don't just pad it with words - make sure you keep things relevant to the story and stay streamlined. The brevity of this is part of what makes it so powerful. Great job.
IMHO,
Rebecca
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