Hello, Mr. Wizard,
I want to thank you for reviewing the prologue of my novel Revenger of Blood.
My critique below is rather detailed, but I think it might help. I don’t know if you have ever heard of IWW (Internet Writing Workshops) before. If not, it is a great site for having your work critiqued. It is entirely email based, as well as free. You submit with an email and receive critiques through your email as well. They do have a site where you have to register, which is located at www.internetwritingworkshop.org. It is based out of Penn State. They have several workshops ranging from novels to short stories to writing practices with weekly exercises, as well as several others. There are minimal requirements for participation, but they are reasonable, most requiring at least one critique and one submission or two critiques or two submissions. It all depends on which workshops you register for. I belong to Novel-L, Practice-W, and Fiction. I highly recommend IWW. While sometimes you may not receive as many critiques as you do here on Writing.com, you will however, receive more in-depth feedback as you said you wanted in your review of Revenger of Blood. If you check it out and decide to join let me know. I’ll be on the look out for you.
Now on with my critique. My comments and suggestions are located after each paragraph and are surrounded by double pound signs (##). At the end, you will find an overall opinion.
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The boy knew that he was not human; the women who called themselves his daughters reminded him of that often. Surrounded by the perfect white of the padded room he often wondered what kind of creature he really was.
##I’m confused by the daughters. Unless the boy’s body is only a mask of a much older being, I think you should think about changing this. If, however, the boy is only a mask, then give an indication of that. For example: The boy knew he wasn’t human, and that he was much, much older than his young body portrayed.##
Fleeting memories of distant pasts tickled the back of his mind, hinting at answers that he could not grasp. His daughters told him that he would remember. It's in the blood and cannot be forgotten, they would say. He wanted to believe them; a whispering in his mind told him that they spoke the truth.
##This is the information I mentioned in the previous paragraph. You should bring these bits of info together. I think you should rework the third sentence as well. For example: They would say, it is in the blood and cannot be forgotten. You want the emphasis on the ‘forgotten’, so make it the last thing the reader read in that sentence. It will stick in their minds. Also, lose the contractions. Only use them in informal speech such as dialogue. The third sentence isn’t really dialogue, so remove the contraction. You might think about joining the second and third sentences. For example: His daughters often told him it was in the blood and, therefore, could not be forgotten. Same thing for the last two sentences. For example: He wanted desperately to believe them, for he believed they spoke the truth.##
Often, he was visited by doctors and scientist that performed tests and examinations on his body, they would always be women. Despite there beautiful faces he knew they were not human, the smell of rotten eggs and decayed meat always hovered around them.
##In the first sentence “...they would always be woman.” This clause needs to be located closer to doctors and nurses, or eliminated altogether. This is an awkward sentence to begin with, so you might want to do a complete rewrite of this sentence. I would try something like: Often, doctors and scientists, who were always women, often performed on him strange tests and examinations.”##
He could sense things from his daughters as well, there were five of them. When they visited he would feel there strong emotions of love wrapping aroung him like a fiery blanket. There was something beneath there love, however, that made him feel cold. An ancient feeling of possessiveness that he knew he felt before, from a time long ago.
##The first sentence could be tightened such as: He could sense things from his five daughters as well. Insert comma after ‘visited’. ‘There’ should be ‘Their. ‘aroung’ should be ‘around’. Delete ‘before’. ‘Before’ and ‘from a long time ago’ is redundant. I would change the last part of the sentence to: ...he had felt in a distant past.##
Suddenly, the door to the padded room opened with a load groan, revealing a woman dressed in a black pinstriped business suit. Her long blond hair fell down her back in a river of curls and her eyes shone with a fierce emerald glow that no human could possibly posses. He knew her name was, Vitra, and she was the oldest of his daughters. She flashed a warm smile and sat down beside him on the padded floor.
##I would remove ‘suddenly’ or ‘with a loud groan’. When I think of a door opening suddenly, I think of it as shrieking. When I think of a door groaning, I think of a door opening slowly and ominously. I think in the second sentence you could change ‘that no human could possibly posses’ to ‘eyes shone with a fierce emerald inhuman glow.’ Consider changing ‘she was the oldest of his daughters’ to ‘and she was his oldest daughter’.##
"How are you doing today, Father?" Vitra said as she smoothly slid her arm around the boy's shoulder, pulling him closer to her. The boy shivered, Vitra always made him feel frightened. Unlike her sisters, Vitra surrounded herself with an aura of rage that commanded others to fear her. Somewhere in the shadows of his mind he knew that she enjoyed it greatly.
##The first sentence could be tightened by removing the tag line ‘Vitra said’. For example: Vitra smoothly slid her arm around the boy’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “How are you today, Father?” Change ‘shivered’ to ‘trembled’. Shiver indicates a coldness, while tremble indicates fear. I think the fourth sentence could be tightened. For example: Unlike her sisters, Vitra possessed an aura of rage, which instilled fear into others. Insert comma after ‘mind’ in last sentence.##
"You can sense my strength, that is good, Father. Do not fear me." Vitra whispered in the boy's ear while her slender fingers stroked through his black hair. "You are our future and you have my love." As soon as she finished speaking the boy knew that it was truth.
##This paragraph could use tightening. For example: Her slender fingers stroked his black hair. “You can sense my strength--that is good. But do not fear me, Father, for you are our future and have my love.” The boy knew she spoke the truth. If you don’t change the last line, insert a comma after ‘speaking’.##
"When can I go outside, Vitra? I am lonely here." The boy said as he wrapped his arms around the white medical gown covering him. Despite his fear, he forced himself to look into her vividly green eyes.
#I suggest adding ‘in’ before ‘here’. Consider clarifying ‘wrapped his arms around the white medical gown covering him. Was he hugging himself, as if warding off a chill, or was he hugging a medical gown? ‘Vividly’ should be ‘Vivid’.##
"You still have too much human blood in your veins, Father. As soon as we do some more test we will find out a way to cure you. You must be patient." Vitra firmly stated causing the boy to frown.
## ‘test’ should be ‘tests’. Insert comma after ‘tests’. Delete ‘out’ after find.##
What is so bad about humans? You have human blood in your veins, I can smell it." His words made Vitra leapt to her feet, her face changing into a hideous mask of anger. She stood over top of him and her eyes turned into green spotlights that showered the room with emerald light.
##Add quotes before ‘What’. Consider: ‘...anger twisted her face into a hideous mask of anger.’ Delete ‘top of’. For more impact, consider breaking the last sentence into two, to something like: She stood over him. Her eyes burned a violent green, casting an emerald light across the room.##
"That will change soon!" Vitra snarled. "If you knew what you are, you would understand the meaning of your words." In another quick moment she was back to normal and the room was white again.
##’you are’ should be ‘you were’ to fit with ‘you would’. Delete ‘another’ and add a comma after ‘moment’. However, consider changing ‘In a quick moment’ to ‘In an instant’. Maybe consider reworking the last sentence as: In an instant, both she and the room returned to normal.##
"If you know what I am then tell me! I can't stand this place anymore! I want to see other things besides this room and the labs. What are those people who test me? They stink and they make my stomach turn." The boy shouted at her but it seemed that Vitra would not get angry again. No matter how hard he tried, he knew that she wouldn't show her true form.
##Consider changing the first line of dialogue to something like: “If you know what I am, tell me! I can’t stand this place any longer. I want to see other things than this room and the labs.” His voice rose as his anger intensified. “What are those things that test me? They stink and make my stomach turn.” Vitra’s eyes burned brighter, but no matter how hard he tried, he knew she wouldn’t show her true form. [SORRY, ONCE I GOT GOING, I COULDN’T STOP WITH JUST THE DIALOGUE.]##
"You must remember what you are for yourself, Father. As I said, be patient it will come with time. It is the human blood that is holding your memories back. When your natural blood overcomes it, you will remember." Virtra turned to leave and the boy quickly wrapped his arm around her slender waist. He didn't care who it was, anything was better that this endless span of white boredom.
##Consider reworking the third sentence of dialogue. For example: It is the human blood, flowing through your veins, that is holding back your memories. This previous example is only my personal taste, what you have is also fine. I just think it works better. Consider adding ‘everything’ after ‘remember’. Consider integrating the last three sentences. For example: As Vitra turned to leave, the boy suddenly wrapped his arms around her slender waist; He didn’t care who she was, anything was better than being alone.##
"Don't leave, Vitra! I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just that I am so lonely here. Where are my other daughters? Can't the come and visit me?" The boy pleaded pressing his head against her stomach.
##Consider changing “my other daughters’ to ‘the others’. In the fifth sentence, ‘the’ should be ‘they’. I would also delete the ‘and’ leaving ‘Can’t they come visit me?’ I would also insert a comma after ‘pleaded’.##
Vitra gazed at him with loving eyes and hugged him tightly to her. "They are preparing the world for your arrival. I have to go, Father, but I will be close by." You will not be alone for long." With those words said, Vitra left the room and once again he was sealed within the white box.
##I would delete ‘to her’. Delete quotation marks between ‘by’ and ‘You’. Dialogue continues. I would change the last line to something like: With those words said, Vitra left the room. Once again, the boy was alone. Using too many words clouds the impact of your prose. Try using the least amount of words possible. You do not lose anything by eliminating ‘once again, he was sealed within the white box.’ If you keep this as is, insert a comma after ‘again’.##
There was no sense of time when he was alone in the room, only shadowy memories that haunted his every moment. He felt no hunger or the need for sleep like he knew humans did, all there was to do was sit and wait; for what, he did not know.
##Here I go again, rewriting the entire paragraph. I just can’t help myself. Time stood still when he was alone with cloudy memories haunting his every moment. He felt no hunger, felt no need for sleep. All he could do was sit and wait. For what...he did not know.
Overall opinion:
I think this was the beginning of a great story. However, I am a little confused as to the time in which it takes place. I know you mention an office, which leads me to believe it takes place in modern times, but the overall voice of the piece seems out of place in a modern setting. It would be more appropriate for something...I don’t know...maybe some mystical or medieval time. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. It’s just hard to explain for reason. Any ways, it was a great story. I would like to read more and see where it is going. I think the only real advice I can give you, is to tighten your prose. You seem to get a little wordy at some points. Use pay out your words as you would your money. Pay as little as you can for the same product. If you can use ten words to say the same thing you say with twenty, save the extra ten words, you may need them if your manuscript runs too long. If writing for publication, the best thing to remember is that every word, every letter costs money, and publishers want to spend as little as possible to reap greater profits. If writing for yourself and readers alone, using fewer words makes your writing crisper and more enjoyable to read. Well, that’s about all I have to say for now. I wish you lots of luck with this. Please remember that, other than where grammar is concerned, my comments and suggestions are my own personal opinion. Use what you like, and throw away the rest. It is your story.
Best of luck,
Robert.
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I will rate specific parts of your poem and then average them to come up with a final rating. Final ratings will be rounded up or down when necessary.
